The Sassy Pear

Finding my way through my forties

Hello Road — November 6, 2013

Hello Road

A few years ago I used to regularly read a blogger who totally had a handle on this weight loss thing. She was knowledgeable about exercise, nutrition, and even the emotional/mental side of weight loss. Her posts were informative and engaging. Many of her posts read like research papers – except instead of being dry and boring they were interesting and thought-provoking. This girl knew her sh*t. 

Except that, for all her knowledge, she wasn’t losing any weight.

She would read books, talk to doctors, post recipes…always searching for “the answer” but not really acting on anything, or acting on it only halfheartedly.  

I think at one point someone even called her on it, saying “how much more do you need to learn before you start putting it into practice?” 

I stopped reading this blogger eventually and after awhile I lost track of her. I have no idea if she’s still around these days. I hope she is and I hope she has found success in whatever she’s doing now. 

This morning I had some lab work done and although I don’t know the results yet of the bloodwork, I know my blood pressure and my weight and waist circumference. 

It ain’t pretty, y’all. 

Oh, did I mention my husband was in the room with me? He was having the same tests done and NO he did not get to see my numbers. No way in heck was I letting that happen. 

Anyway, after we were poked and prodded and then released to leave, I kept thinking “how much more do I need to learn before I start putting it into practice?” 

Here’s what I know so far:

  • I have pre-hypertension. For you non-medical folk, that means my blood pressure is creeping up to the HIGH range. Usually folks with pre-hypertension go on to develop hypertension if it is left unchecked. So if I continue to do nothing, I will develop high blood pressure and most likely have to take blood pressure regulating medicine.
  • I have plantars fasciitis. It is in my right heel and I am convinced it is because of my weight. That might not be the sole (ha!) cause, but I’m pretty sure it isn’t helping any. 
  • I am tired. Like all the time. There’s hardly ever a time when I’m NOT tired. 
  • I have heartburn. It’s weird. I feel like an old man with my antacids. 
  • Moving is getting more and more difficult. I had to bend down to tie my shoe and I was out of breath by the time I stood back up. That is so wrong on so many levels. TYING MY SHOE MADE ME OUT OF BREATH. *smh*
  • I’m sure I’ll have more to add to this list once I get my test results back. 

After we left the lab I looked at my husband and said “I have to get serious about losing weight” and he just gave a little laugh and said “Jill, you are ALWAYS serious about losing weight”, which may be true but that doesn’t mean I’m necessarily always WORKING on losing weight. I told him “Well then I guess I need to get SERIOUSER.”

It makes me laugh sometimes when I make lists for “most inspirational weight loss blogger” because have they read me? When is the last time I posted some serious losses on here? 2009? A long damn time ago, I know that. I can talk and talk about WANTING to lose weight, NEEDING to lose weight, YEARNING to lose weight, but until I ACTUALLY START LOSING, it’s all just lip service. 

So here’s what I’ma do: I’m going to shut up and take action.  I’m going to train for that 5k in March 3 days a week and get my zen on with some yoga 2 days a week. I’m going to cap my calories at 1500 per day and significantly cut out the junk. That’s it. It’s not a very sophisticated plan, but it’s a plan that I can do consistently and if I can be consistent, I can lose weight. 

Hello Road, my name is Rubber. Nice to meet ya. 

 

 

 

I went. I conquered. I’m exhausted. — October 21, 2013

I went. I conquered. I’m exhausted.

So I went to Homecoming. I went and I sucked it up and tried to forget that I am no longer 22 years old with a world of possibilities open to me. I tried to forget that I am now 42 and have obligations and responsibilities and lots of other things that demand my attention. I re-experienced things that I haven’t experienced for 20 years and what I learned was this: 

Good gravy, I am out of shape. 

I lived just a few blocks from the pizza place where I worked and thought that making that little trek from my old apartment to the restaurant would be no big deal. 

Holy Aching Feet Batman, that walk was a lot shorter 20 years ago!! 

I think I walked more on Friday and Saturday than I have walked all year! My Fitbit read over 8000 steps on Friday and over 12,000 on Saturday. That’s a lot of walking for me!! It was a lot of fun tripping down memory lane though. 

So how did I do emotionally? Well, I put on my game-face and just tried to enjoy the people I was with, which I did, but honestly, I felt like a cow the whole time. We stayed with a friend of my husband’s and the friend’s girlfriend spent a lot of time with us. She is really sweet and funny and very nice – I really like her a lot. She’s also very thin and very beautiful and I felt like a troll next to her. So that was fun. And then my bff that I got to see, well she’s always been a bit of a fashionista. Her hair and makeup are usually flawless and her clothes are always cute and classic. Next to those two, I felt like that plastic bag that Katy Perry talks about in her Firework song. I felt disheveled and matronly and thanks to my overzealous use of conditioner, my hair was behaving in insane and ridiculous ways. I tried not to think about how…inadequate I felt, but it hovered near the surface all weekend. I didn’t let it ruin my good time, but I’ll admit it I had to work extra hard to keep the feelings under wrap. 

So yes I’m glad that I went and got to spend time with old friends and new friends. I’m done with regret though – I refuse to have another opportunity like this where I don’t feel great about myself, and if that means I have to work hard on my brain as well as my body, then that’s what I’m going to do.

No more regret. I’m done. 

 

 

Going to homecoming — October 16, 2013

Going to homecoming

Hi guys!

Thanks for the nice responses to my Dear Body Letter. I really waffled on whether or not to post it, but in the end I’m so glad I did. 🙂

So I’m trying to be nice to my body now and let me tell you, it’s a learning experience. For instance, I learned that my body does not tolerate Lucky Charms very well. For some odd reason last night, right before bedtime, I decided that a small bowl of Lucky Charms would be a good idea.

It was not a good idea. 

I never eat right before bed, and even my husband asked me what I was doing when I crawled into bed with my bowl, and I told him, “the marshmallows were calling to me”. He just shrugged and went back to watching the news. I ate my sugar bombs Lucky Charms, took my bowl back to the kitchen, and went to bed. (Weight problem? I don’t have any clue why I could possible have a weight problem! *sarcasm font*) This morning I woke up with a brick sitting in the middle of my stomach. Ugh. Not a good feeling. Lesson learned – kids cereal is not for 42 year old moms. Duly noted. 

But that charming story (pun totally and completely intended) is not why I called you all here today (actually I didn’t call any of you here, you just showed up, unless you get my post in your email, in which case, thanks for the follow!) because I need to work through something and I figure my blog is a good place to do it. 

So here’s the dealio: I’m going to my Alma mater’s homecoming this weekend and I am SUPREMELY excited…except that I’m also a little nervous. I’m excited that I’m going to see my old college roommate/bff and we’ll get to revisit some of our old stomping grounds (and believe me, we stomped a lot of ground back in the day), but I’m also feeling a lot of regret/shame/guilt that I’m going back there weighing almost 60 pounds more than the last time I lived there. I so wish that I could go back and feel great in my body and be proud of my figure, but I know there will be a shadow of remorse following me around all weekend.

On one hand, logically, I know that I’m not the only person to gain a bunch of weight in the last 20 years and there will be plenty of other folks packing some spare tires this weekend and that shouldn’t stop me from laughing out loud and having a good time and appreciating the people I’ll be with. But on the other hand, emotionally, I just want to hide my body and blend into the background and hope no one notices me. I’m terribly conflicted. 

I worked at a great little pizza place for 4 years in college and I salivate just thinking about the handmade pizza there, but part of me is screaming on the inside to “JUST STAY AWAY” for fear that I might run into some old college friends – who knew me at 130 pounds and would be mortified to see me at the almost 200 pounds I am today. But I really want to go back to this old place and stroll down memory lane and show my kids that yes, I actually had a life before they arrived. 

I keep telling myself that I can’t lose 60 pounds in 3 days and to just suck it up and deal with it and go and have a great time – spare tires, saddle bags, and wrinkles be damned! I mean, honestly, this is what is going to happen anyway, so I should just quit worrying about it, right? I’m really trying to pep-talk myself into just focusing on having fun and enjoying myself and not obsessing over what could have been (I could have been 130 pounds now if I hadn’t let myself go 16 years ago). 

Not going is not an option. We’ve paid for tickets, made arrangements, and like I said, I am SUPER EXCITED to go and see my friends. So I should probably just forget about all the shame and guilt and just realize that I am who I am and this is how I look and THAT’S OKAY.

Right? 

*sigh* Easier said than done. But I’m working on it. 

 

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