Snowed In and Loved It

Man, I had a fantastic weekend. We were snowed in all weekend long and I loved every single minute of it! Usually my weekends are spent running errands and running kids around and running to the store and just running running running (and not the kind of running that requires good shoes and a Garmin) and weekends spent like that tend to go by pretty darn fast. But the last two days I had nowhere to go and it was FABULOUS.

I had time to clean things that desperately needed cleaning (fridge, oven, microwave) and tackle the laundry mountain and read magazines and take naps and make yummy dinners and get caught up on my DVR shows…it was the perfect balance of productivity and laziness. And the most surprising part is that I didn’t have the urge to sit around and eat all weekend as I am usually wont to do.  Typically snowy weekends are spent eating for 48 hours straight but this time I just didn’t have the desire to do that this time. Feels like a major victory to me!

Speaking of the DVR, Saturday afternoon during one of my well-earned breaks I was flipping around my DVR’d shows and found a nice surprise: sometime earlier in the week my husband came across a Duran Duran concert on AXS tv and he recorded it for me! This tiny little thing really touched me because he has no interest in Duran Duran whatsoever, but because he knows I have an affinity for this group from my teenage years, he knew I would enjoy watching this. It’s little things like this that keep the spark alive. ❤

I really hope the bad weather will move out soon – it’s actually supposed to be pretty nice this coming weekend – highs in the upper 50s, but I’m very appreciative that I got to be snowed in for a couple of days. I need to schedule in weekends like this more often, even if the weather doesn’t force it.

Gettin’ a little woo woo up in here

Warning: I’ma get a little deep for a minute or two, so if you aren’t the touch-feely type, click away! Won’t hurt my feelings if you don’t want to hear me talk about my feelings. 🙂

While searching for emotional eating resources, I stumbled upon the Inside Out Weight Loss podcast. Does everyone know about this and I’m just way late to the party?? I started listening to the podcast from the beginning ( I think it started way back in 2008 so I have a lot to catch up on!) and the latest podcast (that I listened to anyway) was about accepting ourselves as-is and why we might object to that. One of the questions posed was something along the lines of “What is the positive intent of objecting to accepting yourself as you are right now?” In laymen terms, why are you so freaking hard on yourself about accepting yourself???

I have had this question directed at me several times when talking with others about my weight loss. I’ve often heard the following from friends and coaches when I recount my perceived faults:

  • Don’t be so hard on yourself
  • You are being too hard on yourself
  • Give yourself some credit
  • Cut yourself some slack

It never really occurred to me that I was being hard on myself, until I heard this from several different people in different times of my life (but lately and especially about weight loss). Now, let me clarify here that I am NOT a Type A personality at all. I am as far from being an overachiever as a bowling ball is from being an apple. I am the Queen of Good Enough and it suits me just fine. So I needed to stop and think…am I too hard on myself when it comes to my weight loss? And if so, why?

The question asked in the podcast intrigued me enough that I spent a few minutes really thinking about it and this is what I came up with (I actually wrote this down in a notebook):

I know that good things can happen if I put forth a lot of effort. When I make a REAL, CONCENTRATED effort, great things happen for me. If things aren’t happening for me, then I must not be making enough of an effort, therefore I feel like I need to expect more of myself. Since I am still very overweight, I must not be putting forth enough effort, so only when I’m losing weight do I feel that I am meeting my own expectations. I think that in my mind being overweight = not trying hard enough. And I just can’t accept myself the way that I am because I haven’t put in the work…I don’t deserve to feel okay with the body I have now.

Of course, this was not really a conscious thought I had, but the more deeply I dug, this is what came up and it makes sense to me in a way. And so now I’m thinking…well, is this just a limiting belief I have about myself? Just because I’m thinking all of this, does that make it true (what’s that quote about “don’t always believe the things you think”?) What if I could be okay with my body without putting in any effort at all? Is that even possible? I don’t know.

I don’t like it that I put conditions on myself to be acceptable: ONLY when I’m thin will I be okay; ONLY when I’ve worked super duper hard, will I be worthy; ONLY will I be acceptable to myself and everyone around me when I lose this excess weight. Maybe it’s these very conditions that have been holding me back. Maybe carrying around these conditions is the reason I feel that losing weight is like running through mud.

Maybe if I could figure out how to get rid of these prerequisites to acceptance, my weight loss would pick up pace?

Maybe…

I don’t have any answers yet. I’m thinking through this as I type, but if I figure it out, I’ll let ya know.

Now let’s all join hands and sing Kumbaya, okay? 😉

Weekend Recap

Hey Kids! How was your weekend?

Typically by the time Friday rolls around, I am one exhausted mama and so Friday nights are filled with as little activity as possible. I usually pick up a pizza and the kids and I eat and veg in front of the TV (the hubs fishes in a weekly jackpot on Friday nights). Last Friday however, my youngest wanted to go to the park because the weather was absolutely beautiful. I hem hawed a little bit and finally decided that anything would be better than sitting around the house feeling miserable, so after a dinner of tacos (nobody wanted pizza AGAIN) off to the park we went . My youngest rode her scooter, while my oldest and I walked along behind her (my middle child was staying the night with a friend – why does life seem so much easier with one less child? And it doesn’t matter which child is gone, just having one less kid eases the choas considerably for some reason!)

It was a perfect evening if ever there was one. A perfect blue sky, very little wind, birds singing, families out enjoying their time together – it was such a great time. I got in an additional 5000 steps while we were there – we walked along the walking paths around the park for about an hour, and we enjoyed ourselves so much that we decided to try and do it again next Friday. If it isn’t raining, we’ll go again. 

Saturday was full of errands and laundry – I ate well Saturday, but felt tired a lot of the day. That evening, my husband and I cooked out on the grill – chicken and steak kabobs, fresh corn on the cob, and baked sweet potatoes. It was sort of supposed to be my Mother’s Day gift (more on that in a minute). Everything was going great until I went to heat up a can of Ranch Style beans (my husband’s favorite), walked away to go take care of something in the bedroom and completely forgot about the beans. About 20 minutes later I hear my husband in the kitchen, went in and realized I had let the beans burn in the pan. Apparently he was really looking forward to those beans because he got pissed off, and even after I apologized he was still pissed, so I got pissed off and we spent the rest of the evening and most of Sunday not talking to each other. Good times! 

And can I just get completely off topic here for a minute? I can’t remember sh*t anymore. The Ranch Style Beans Incident wasn’t the first thing I had forgotten last week. One day, I turned on the water hose to add some water to our koi pond, then completely forgot about it and left to go run some errands. The water ran for about 2 hours and our pond and flower bed were flooded. I also meant to put dinner in the crockpot one morning, but completely forgot about that too until I was already on my way to work. It’s just little things, but they seem to be happening a lot lately. I don’t know if it’s lack of sleep, perimenopause, or just too much to think about, but it’s getting super annoying.

Anyway.

Sunday, Mother’s Day, we got up early so we could go to eat breakfast and then go to church with my MIL. We met at Denny’s and I had the Fit Slam, which was really tasty and satisfying. After church we went straight to my mom’s house for lunch where we had lasagna and salad and garlic bread. I had a small piece of lasagna, 2 slices of french garlic bread, and a generous serving of salad. My mom made some weird pumpkin cake thing, which was really tasty but also really rich, so I only had a small portion of that. Then I spent the next two incredibly frustrating hours trying to get my mom’s wifi up and running, during which time I called my nephew who is a computer guy, and we worked on it until we finally got it going, but by that time I was a big ball of stress. My original plan had been to cut out of mom’s early and go to another walking trail with my family, but that didn’t happen. We just went straight home, and I went to my room to take a nap. 

So here’s my Mother’s Day rant: when does it get to be MY TURN? Every year, we have to split up the day or the weekend to be with my mom and/or his mom on Mother’s Day. Don’t get me wrong, I love our moms and I realize they won’t always be around for us to celebrate, but I feel like I get left out of the loop. I also feel very petty and shallow when I think about it this way.  But the fact is I would like a day to just hang out with my kids and feel appreciated ALL DAY LONG instead of running around all day trying to make sure everyone else is happy. So for me, Mother’s Day is usually kind of a let down and yesterday was no exception. Okay, whiny pity party over. End rant. 

So my weekend recap: Friday was great, Saturday kinda sucked, Sunday kinda sucked. I feel pretty good about my food choices overall, but I think I could stand to tighten things up on the weekends – weekdays are under control, but I still struggle with the weekends. My activity level was oh…kay, but it could have been better. 

I need to make some changes, redraw some boundaries, take back some holidays, take back some power. I’ve made a lot of healthy physical changes, but I need to keep working on some healthy mental changes as well. 

Well this was just delightful, wasn’t it?! Jill’s blog: come for the sass, stay for the whine!! Ugh. I’ll make sure my other posts this week are little more peppy and fun. 🙂 

I hope you all had a great weekend! 

 

High Interest

Hey Howdy Hey!!

So this No Scale Experiment is going really well! It’s been over 2 weeks since I weighed myself and I feel good. I’m still working out and eating well(ish) and things are humming along. I think I made exactly the right decision to ditch the scale.

One of the effects of not thinking about The Number all the freaking time now, is that I now have room for other thoughts, thoughts that have nothing to do with weight. Since obsessing about my weight was such all consuming hobby, I now have room for other interests. Yay!! Except guess what? I don’t have any other interests. 

I remember when I went to my 20th high school reunion a couple of years ago, I ran into my first crush. Of course me being who I am, I naturally started sweating and stammering to him about how he was my first crush (note to self: don’t do that anymore. It’s weird) and eventually we landed on the topic of “so what do you do now?”. He told me all about his job and his hobbies and then he asked me what I did. I told him about my job (note to self: get new, interesting job) and then he said “but what do you do when you aren’t working? What do you do for fun?” 

I had no answer. None. I lamely mentioned that I had kids and a husband and a house to care for, and he asked again, “but don’t you have a hobby?” and I apologetically said “well I used to knit” and he said…I kid you not…he laughed “Okay grandma! That sounds pretty exciting!” I melted right into a puddle on the floor. I feel that I should mention that guy was a total douche who hit on me that night (even though he has a wife and kid at home) but when I declined, he found another classmate who apparently was all too willing. 

ANYWAY. The point is, I need a hobby to fill up the space in my brain regularly occupied by my weight-angst so that next time I run into any douchey ex-boyfriends, I’ll have something SUPER INTERESTING to tell them. I’ve looked into guitar lessons, art lessons, yoga (which I plan to do in the fall) and other things, but I have to keep in mind that I have kids that have activities from now until December, so time is an issue. 

My BAWF (Best Adult Woman Friend – you’re welcome for that little gem) suggested creative writing. Not the blather I post here in this blog, but actual real writing that takes thought and good vocabulary and a sense of humor that doesn’t belong to a 12 year old boy. The thought of actually trying to write something creatively scares the heck out of me, which makes me think it’s exactly what I should do. I love words, I love the putting-together of phrases that capture exactly what’s happening in a moment, I love the emotional communication that happens when I read a passage that says exactly what I didn’t even know I was thinking…I love it all, but I don’t know how to even start to cultivate it into a genuine hobby. I actually have a very very short story already written, but it’s super rough at this point and not fit for human consumption. And no, you will never read it, so don’t even ask. 🙂

I think I revisit this problem of no-hobbies every fall when the kids start gearing up for their activities. It reminds me that, oh yeah, I want to have an activity too! So if you have been reading me for awhile and this seems somewhat familiar, I’m sure there’s a blog post somewhere in my archives that touches on this. I did try knitting for awhile, but it never really took off – I just don’t think I have the patience for it, unless it’s something I can knit in a few hours (I have more scarves than any human being needs). I like to knit, but not enough to do it regularly. I have a feeling this need to have interests is going to keep coming up in my life until I finally get one, so this time I’m going to actively pursue it. 

Help me out and tell me what you do for fun – what your hobbies, interests, and activities are that you do for fun. And no, obsessing about your weight doesn’t count. 

Interestingly,

Jill

 

Hey! How’s it going today?

Can you stand another work update? I think my boss is quitting. On Monday afternoon, he started cleaning out his office of his personal effects, and when I asked him about it he said he has something else lined up. He said it’s a 95% done deal, all he has to do is interview just for formalities and then he’ll be outta here. He won’t say where he’s going and he’s not sure when (he thinks within the next couple of weeks). It’s going to be very embarrassing for him if this deal falls through and he doesn’t get the job. I’m sure he’ll find something else, but if it were me, I would have waited to clear out my office until I was 100% certain I was going to leave. But that’s just me.

At first I was upset at all the turmoil at work, but the more I think about it, the more excited I get about the changes that will take place. I think most of my complaints about my job weren’t actually about the job itself, but about my boss. Truth be told, I’ve got a pretty sweet deal here and I would love it if I didn’t have to give it up. So my boss leaving feels like a very positive thing, but I wonder of course about who will replace him. The line from Heathers popped into my head just now:

Yes, dear diary, I’ve cut off Heather Chandler’s head, and Heather Duke’s head has sprouted back in its place like some mythological thing my eighth grade boyfriend would have known about.

(This happens to me a lot: a single line from a movie I haven’t seen in 20 years will suddenly appear in my head, appropriate to the situation at hand. The fact that these lines come from dark teenage comedies instead of acclaimed works of literature only bothers me a tiny bit.)

So yes, it  looks like the Boss is leaving, but will he be replaced by someone worse? I don’t know if they’ll promote someone here or if they will offer it to someone from another location. My joy is tempered with worry – hopefully unfounded worry. This is a strange state to be in: excited but cautious. Stay tuned to find out more on As The Job Turns (insert soap opera music here). 

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I’ve made a decision about my food plan – instead of eating 6 small meals a day, I’m going back to 3 squares a day. Eating six small meals has become six opportunities to overeat every day and my expanding waist line just can’t take it. I know the six meals a day works great for some people, unfortunately I am not some of those people, so it’s back to 3 meals a day with a snack if I need it in the afternoon. I’m trying to eat just a little bit more at each meal and add more veggies/fruit as well so I can stay fuller longer. So far it seems to be working – I’ve dropped a pound and a half in the last 4 days so I’m going to try this a little bit longer and see how it works out for me. On the flip side, if in 2 weeks, I don’t feel like I am making any real progress, I’m going to sign up for Weight Watchers. It’s been several years since I last tried WW and I remember those weekly face to face weigh ins were very motivating. I need some more accountability – I need the approval of the receptionist when I have a good weigh in, and as weird as it sounds I need to know that there is the potential for the disapproving sigh when I have a bad weigh in to keep me on track. Yes I realize it’s twisted, but hey, whatever works, right?!

I’ve discovered that I really love walking on my treadmill while watching comedians on Netflix. For a few days it was The Best of Will Ferrell on Saturday Night Live, and this week I’ve started watching Jim Gaffigan. The time on the treadmill flies by and I also get a great ab workout from all the giggling I do. My Kindle Fire might just revolutionize my workout routine! And by revolutionize, I mean, get one started. Oh, my foot is no longer hurting, and hey here’s a tip: don’t walk for 45 minutes on the treadmill while wearing house shoes, even if it is a slow walk. Downton Abbey wants you to wear supportive shoes while watching it! Downton Abbey doesn’t want you to get hurt like I did! I’m pretty sure this is how I strained my foot, so I just made sure to wear supportive shoes as much as possible for the next few days and the problem seems to have taken care of itself. I’ll know not to make that mistake again.

So anyway, that’s the latest. I have another therapy appointment on Friday and hopefully it won’t cost me a week’s worth of groceries since I’ve used up all my EAP freebie sessions. Oh well, my family doesn’t need to eat every week anyway, right? (That’s a joke. Please don’t call DHS on me.)

Later taters!!