Sometimes when I don’t blog for several days or a couple of weeks, it’s either because not much is going on and I don’t have anything to say, or it’s because I have lots of things that I want to tell you, but I just haven’t had the time or inclination to sit down and thoughtfully compose a post that explains it all beautifully (because it either has to be great or I can’t do it at all apparently). It’s the latter scenario that’s kept me away this time, but in an attempt to break out of my all-or-nothing thinking, I decided to just come here and start typing and whatever comes out will have to do.
Something is better than nothing, right? 😉
In keeping with my Therapy Thursday theme, I’ve been thinking a lot about transitions. I feel as if I’m transitioning as we speak. Each week in my sessions with the Fabulous Emily I can feel myself moving further and further away from that woman who felt so hollow and resentful and towards someone who I’m actually excited to be. I’m changing in 2 big ways:
- I no longer think I’m a frumpy dumpy mom who looks and feels ridiculous all the time. I can actually look at my body and NOT be disgusted. I don’t exactly love the way my body looks, but I no longer think I’m a hideous beast either. I’m feeling very neutral about it these days – my body isn’t good or bad…it just IS. This is my body and this is what it looks like right now and that’s okay. Sure I’d love to be less overweight, and someday I will be, but right now this is what I look like. And depending on the clothes I’m wearing, some days I’d say I look pretty darn good. I feel like I’m in the middle – I don’t hate and I don’t love my body…I’m feeling very Switzerland about it really and that feels pretty good.
- My relationship with food is changing as well. My goal for my relationship with food is that I want to feel about food (sweets, in particular) the same way I feel about alcohol: I can take it or leave it. I enjoy a nice glass of wine or a good margarita on occasion, but I don’t think about alcohol every day. There have been many times I’ve had to pour out a half bottle of wine after several weeks because I had forgotten it was in my fridge. Alcohol has no hold over me…and that’s how I want to feel around food. My sugar cravings are way less now than they used to be – thanks in part to several different factors. I take a daily probiotic, I take a progesterone serum daily, and I take an iron supplement – all of these are part of my self-care regimen. I also make sure to do something every day that gives me a little thrill – it might be having some fancy cheese on a couple of crackers when I get home from work (just a couple is enough to tide me over til dinner), or it might be reading a new book before bedtime that I got from the library that day. Doing small things every single day that make me even just a little bit happy helps me feel fulfilled. When I’m filled with other things, then I don’t need to fill myself up with food. While I still have a ways to go before I’m completely happy with the foods I eat (I could stand to eat more vegetables), I feel like food in general is no longer the center of my universe. I still think about it more than I would like, but at least now I’m much more mindful of what I’m eating and how it makes me feel.
I am absolutely in love with everything I’m learning and how I can see it all coming to fruition. I love realizing how far I’ve come and I know that I can keep going – I actually have skills that I use! And they work! Amazing, right?! 🙂