My rubber band snapped

I had a bit of a detour on my road to a new healthy lifestyle, which is why I haven’t posted in a couple of weeks. The last 6 weeks have been busy, busy, busy with end of school year activities and sports wrapping up, and typically I am just counting down the days until school lets out and we can all relax (as are most people with school-age children). But this year felt different…I could feel myself drowning, but my mind kept saying “No, no, everything’s fine! Haha! I’m fine, everything’s fine!” Except I wasn’t fine. It’s as if I had a rubber band in the middle of my chest and with each passing week that rubber band got stretched a bit more, and a bit more, and a bit more, until it finally snapped. I was like Stretch Armstrong over here, except I didn’t go back to my regular shape.

I have been feeling foggy, and irritable, and just so tired for awhile now. I thought I was sleeping really well at night but I never felt rested. A couple of weeks ago, I went into a drugstore to pick up some milk and in the 15 minutes I was there, I must have yawned a dozen times. I had zero motivation to do…well, anything really. I just wanted to sit on the couch and watch tv and not move and not think and not be bothered by the world. I was just so OVER IT.

I called my doctor and made an appointment to get my hormones checked because I just KNEW something wonky was happening inside me. At my appointment, I talked with the nurse who was so sympathetic because she had just recently gone through the same thing, so she suggested we deep-dive into my hormones and test everything, including my Vitamin D levels. After I talked with the nurse, my doctor (who I am very close to, who I’ve known my whole life, and who means the world to me) came into the room and with a sympathetic look said “Hi Sweetheart” and it was at that point that the dam burst and I cried myself into a puddle right there in his arms. He sat me down, took my hands in his, looked me right in the eye and said “Are you exhausted? Do you feel like you have no motivation? Do you feel maybe a little bit depressed?” to which I nodded yes on all counts, and he said “Don’t worry, we can take care of it”. I think just having someone look me in the eye and say “I hear you” is the most validating thing in the world.

I went back last week to get my results, and guess who is Normal Nelly on everything???? Seriously, everything was in the normal range: estrogen, testosterone, thyroid, ALL OF IT. The only thing in the “out of range” category was my cholesterol, which is 233, and which I already knew was a little high so no surprise there. My Vitamin D missed the inspection for some reason, so I had to redo that one and I should get those result this week. My doctor said that the only people who have normal Vit D levels are roofers and linemen – basically people who work outside all day every day.

My doctor’s prescription for me is to take a multivitamin, a Vit D supplement, and a low dose of antidepressant (temporarily). I balked at the antidepressant at first, but then I decided that I would at least try it for a little while to see if it really changed anything. Then he said we would work on fixing my neck/shoulder issue (I have a pinched nerve or something that has become a literal pain in my  neck), and then we can work on my weight. And I’m still working with Emily to find ways to keep me happy and sane.

I’m sharing this because I know there are others out there who are in denial about how they are feeling, like I was. I have a habit of trying to PollyAnna my way through things (“IT’S ALL FINE, REALLY!” *nervous laughter*), but the truth is, sometimes things aren’t fine, or they won’t be fine after xyz is finished, or when {insert sport} season is over, or when whatever situation has reached its end. I didn’t want to wait to feel better, I wanted to feel better now.

I’m so glad I talked to my doctor and Emily, because it feels good to get help, even if that help is just so that someone can say “I hear you and I will help you.”


*Amazon links are affiliate links. I get a small commission, but anything I link to is something that I personally recommend or am using myself or just really want.

Zig Zag is all I do these days.

Well, as is par for my course, after I wrote my last post about how I approach food I then went on to stuff my face at every meal for a week. I had a conversation with Emily about this and she asked, “so why the self-sabotage???” and I had to think for a few minutes before I finally came up with “because trusting my body feels foreign and weird and uncomfortable even though it also feels really good and exciting and right.” Even if change is good, change can still feel odd…like wearing your shoes on the wrong feet…until you do it often enough to feel normal. So I obviously have some more work to do on this, which is fine…I never expected it to be a linear thing. Zig Zag is more my style anyway.

This last weekend really did a trip on my mind & body. My youngest daughter, who just turned 12, had a birthday sleepover on Friday with 5 of her friends. Let me tell you, six middle school girls having a sleep over is a bad idea as it sounds, but let me also tell you why I thought we could pull this off: because individually, these girls are polite and well-behaved and I’ve seen them one on one with my daughter and they were great. However, I have since learned that when you get 6 of them together, all bets are off. There were tears and hurt feelings and arguments and even my daughter agreed that WE ARE NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN. I played it cool for the most part, but inside I was a nervous wreck. Then Saturday afternoon after the sleepover, we had to hustle to drop off the girls and make it to our friend’s high school graduation, then all of Sunday afternoon was spent at my middle daughter’s last club volleyball tournament of the season. It was a very busy weekend in which I don’t think I ate a decent meal at all – mostly it was just grazing and snacking and even though I tried to keep it as nutritious as possible, it was still really lacking. And I didn’t sleep well all weekend, which means that I still, on Tuesday, don’t feel like I have recovered. I took a long walk after work yesterday to help alleviate some of the stress I’m feeling,  but it just seemed to make me even more tired.

Actually I have felt really tired for the last 2 or 3 weeks and just don’t feel like my normal self, so I have made an appointment with my doctor to have some blood work done. It could be my hormones, it could be allergies, it could be stress, it could a combination of everything…I don’t know; I just know that I need some help because I don’t feel good right now. Hopefully my doctor can help me get some answers and maybe get a plan going to help me feel better.

April and May are ridiculously busy months, but things should be winding down considerably after this week. This is the last week of school for all 3 of my kids (my youngest gets out next Tuesday, but there aren’t any activities planned for next week – thank goodness), and I am so ready for a break! I would really love to go away for a long weekend somewhere, but unfortunately there just isn’t any money in the budget for that right now. Maybe soon though.

How I approach food these days

Let’s talk about food for a minute, shall we? After all, it is my favorite subject.


Not me, but I wish it were. 

Actually I don’t want to talk about certain kinds of foods, but how I approach eating as a general rule. In the last couple-ish years, I’ve been working A LOT on my relationship with food and I’m happy to say that I’m finally recognizing some great results. I no longer binge, and my emotional eating has been cut way, way back. Yeah sometimes I still eat for emotions, but guess what? EVERYONE DOES SOMETIMES. It’s only a problem if it becomes a habit you can’t control. But I digress…

So, Thursday night is a great example of how I decide what I’m going to eat. My daughter had a band concert that evening and afterwards we went to Braum’s because that’s what we always do after evening school activities. Braum’s is an ice cream/dairy store/hamburger place and if you don’t know Braum’s then I’m sorry that the Lord is not letting you live your best life because, man…you are missing out. Anyway, so we walk into Braum’s and immediately there is a big sign for a new Strawberry spinach chicken salad they are now offering and if you didn’t know, I am a huge fan of pairing strawberries with spinach and chicken. So I’m thinking I’m going to get that salad, but then I smell the hamburgers and here’s how my thought process went down:

  • The salad looks really good and fresh
  • but the hamburgers and fries smell delicious
  • but if I get the hamburger and fries, I’m probably going to feel really full and bloated
  • and it’s almost 8:30pm, do I really want to go to bed feeling that way?
  • I think I’d rather not feel so full because that wouldn’t make me feel very good so
  • Salad it is!

I had the salad because I knew that it was probably more nutritious than the burger, and also because I just didn’t want to feel sluggish and heavy, like I knew I would if I had the burger & fries.

And in case you think me super virtuous, after I ate my salad I was eyeing my daughter’s leftover fries and decided to have some but as I did, this was my thought process:

  • I wonder if those fries taste good?
  • I’m going to take a bite and as I eat this I’m going to focus on how they actually taste vs. how I WANT them to taste and whether or not they’re actually worth eating
  • Hmmm, it’s okay, nothing special really. I mean, they’re alright, but not worth making myself feel too full.

I ate a total of 3 fries and then I was done with them. Didn’t want them any longer. (I know, right?! Who’da thunk it?!)

Now, back in the day, I would have gotten the salad (because that’s what all dieters “should” do – ugh), but I would have been lusting after the burger and fries (and ice cream for dessert) and I would have walked away feeling deprived and probably a little ticked off, but since it was MY decision to eat based on what would make me feel the best in that moment, it was easy to not choose the burger, and it was easy to stop at three french fries and it was easy to say no to ice cream when my husband asked if I wanted any before we left.

This is the piece that was missing for all those years I spent trying to lose weight. It has to be my decision to eat what feels good for me and yes most of the time that’s going to be protein & vegetables, butonce in a while it might be ice cream. I’m taking away the judgment and focusing on what feels good for me in that moment. You can call it mindful eating, you can call it intuitive eating, but really I’m just paying attention to how I want to feel and what behaviors are going to get me there – that is what guides my food choices.

If this resonates with you, next time you have an eating opportunity I invite you to really think about what would feel good for you in that moment. Does your body need something soothing like soup? Does it need a big salad loaded with crunchy fresh vegetables? Do you really even need to eat all…maybe a big glass of water or hot tea is what you need? Maybe you do need that square of chocolate or that spoonful of peanut butter, who knows? Just try to pay attention to your body and ask it what it needs…see how that feels, and then notice how you feel after you eat as well because that matters too. 

It’s much more fun to approach eating with a curious mind – just try it and see!




Three Days in row. Where’s my gold star?

Had to peel myself out of bed this morning – 5:15 came way too early! But I got up and did this full body video, except for the jumping jacks. The video description said “low impact” but to me jumping jacks are not low impact, so I just did a side step, toe tap thing while the instructor did 5000 jumping jacks. Jumping jacks + 200 lbs on a 5’3″ frame = NO. Not only do I not like jumping jacks, I pretty much don’t like any kind of jumping in general because TOO MANY THINGS BOUNCE AROUND ON ME. And yes, I have an industrial strength sports bra (I found it! It was hidden in my pj drawer) that keeps everything in place but I still hate jumping, so I’m not gonna do it and you can’t make me. So there.

Something else she did that I wasn’t going to do was that she did knee push ups on a hard floor without a mat. Whaaaaat? I guess you can do that when you have young healthy knees, but for this old lady it just wasn’t gonna happen, so I did standing push ups against the counter at first, then later I just trotted over to the living room carpet when push ups came around again (same with the plank exercise too).

Some good things about this video are she included a warm up and a cool down and she even included water breaks. It was challenging but it didn’t feel impossible. One kinda weird thing is that there was no music, but that could be good because you could use your own music if you wanted to. Oh, and she’s foreign (but spoke English) but I didn’t really even need to hear what she said, I could just watch and follow along.

By the end I was fairly sweaty and I felt good, so that’s a winner for me. I’ll be keeping this video in my rotation.


That 5 minute stretch felt really good.

Got m’self up at 5:15 again this morning and I had planned on doing a full body workout but since I couldn’t find a sportsbra anywhere in my closet (seriously where did they all go???) I decided to do a Leslie Sansone walking workout instead because it’s low impact (and wouldn’t need a sportsbra for it). Is that TMI? Sorry!

I found a 30 minute video on The YouTubes and about 25 minutes in, I knew I was getting bored and I also knew that I wanted to stretch before I needed to go jump in the shower and get ready for work. Back in the day, I would have pushed myself to finish the whole video, would have skipped the stretching, and would have been slightly disappointed with the whole thing. Today, however, I let those last 5 minutes of the video go, and I found a quick 5 minute stretching video to do instead. I left my workout feeling great, knowing I had listened to what my body wanted instead of what my brain said I “should” do. And this is the thing that will keep me coming back for more – letting my body tell my brain what it wants to do, and letting myself trust my body to know what’s good for it. Not listening to my body hasn’t worked so well in the past, so let’s see what kind of magic happens when I *do* actually listen.

Admins Day Mystery

Yesterday was Administrative Professionals Day, and I got squat. I posted my lament on Facebook (because isn’t that what you’re supposed to do now when you want to whine about something?):


BUT THEN, this morning, these were delivered to me:


Aren’t they gorgeous??? The card read “Happy Administrative Professionals Day. We appreciate you.” Naturally I felt terrible for whining on The Facebook.

When my boss came in, I asked if he had sent them. He looked genuinely perplexed, so I call him a liar and accused him of sending them, but no…he honestly didn’t know who had them delivered. I asked if maybe it was our Regional Manager, who had just been here yesterday, but he didn’t think they were from him either. All he would say was “I think I might know who it is, but I don’t want to say yet. And you’ll understand later why I won’t tell you now.”


I’m afraid it means that someone (a higher up) is going to lay a whole lot of extra work in my lap and just wants to butter me up before doing so. But for right now, I don’t even care because MY FLOWERS ARE SO PREEEEETTY!!! And they smell heavenly, too.

So, to my Mystery Manager, thank you. They are beautiful and I will work extra hard today (right after I finish writing this post). 🙂20170427_095119_resized

PS. If/when I find out who sent them, I’ll update this post!

And so it begins…

These are my “beginning” pics. Posting these so I’ll have something to compare against later. For reference, I’m 46 years old, 5’3″, 203.4 pounds. Blood pressure is on the high end of normal, cholesterol is slightly high – but not alarmingly so, all other numbers fall in the normal range (as of last fall when I had blood work done). Yes, I listed my weight. So tired of being ashamed of that number, tired of trying to hide it, tired of feeling the literal and figurative weight of it.

My goal is to feel amazing, have energy to spare, bring all my blood work numbers into the normal range, and feel like I live an active life. And oh yeah, fit into smaller pants because these size 18s are not working for me.

Getting left behind

You may or may not know that after many, many years of dieting and trying to lose weight, I took a break. It’s been almost 2 years since I declared that I will never do another diet again and I’ve stuck to it. I’ve been fortunate that I’ve been able to maintain my weight – I’ve stayed within the same 4 pounds (+/- )the whole time. During these last 2ish years, I’ve been doing a lot of mental and emotional work and I have come a long way, baby. I’m sure I’ll always need to have access to some kind of counseling and I am totally fine with that, but I have put little to no effort into losing weight – I needed that mental break.

In the last couple of weeks, it has come to my attention that some people who have previously lived a sedentary life (much like myself) are now working on getting fit and losing weight. These are people that I am close to – some are family, some are neighbors, some are acquaintances – but they are people that I know personally and they are crushing it. Some are simply walking everyday, some are doing vigorous workouts at the gym. They are working out regularly, eating nutritious foods, and subsequently losing weight. Some are losing a little bit of weight and some are losing a lot of weight.

But what they are all doing is leaving me in the dust.


Don’t be jealous of my artistic skill. Some of us are just born gifted. 

When I realized how many people I personally knew who are actually making the effort to change their health, the first thought I had was “I don’t want to be left behind!”

It’s so different watching the progress of people I actually know versus watching the progress of a random stranger on Instagram. It also made me realize that as long as those people were overweight and sedentary, I felt like it was okay for me to be that way as well. Maybe not okay, but I felt like at least I wasn’t the only one. Now however, I feel like saying “Oh, wait. We’re doing this now? We’re getting healthy…is this a thing now? Oh, okay, hold on, just let me get my walking shoes on…” It’s like now that my friends and family are into it, it feels okay for me to be into it too.

And maybe that’s why it’s been so hard for me to do it in the past? I didn’t want to be the odd man out, the one who was going against the grain and doing things differently. Actually I don’t think that’s it…I think I just wanted my own personal tribe to do it with me. I wanted a real-life group that I could belong to. And now I see this group forming before my eyes and suddenly I realize that I want to join in on the fun. 

I don’t know exactly yet what this is going to look like for me – I still refuse to do a “diet” but I’m sure there is a way I can improve my health without it feeling like deprivation and torture. I know I need to start small, but I know myself well enough that I can’t start too small because I’ll get bored, but I can’t go gangbusters either because I will wear myself out and quit. I just need to find that middle path, that sweet spot that challenges me but is also sustainable.

What I also need is accountability. I may start posting here, but posting more Instagram-style and less wordy-y. More frequent, but shorter posts. Or heck, I may start a new Instagram account and post there…not sure yet, I’ll figure it out soon though. Any suggestions?

Okay, so. I’m doing this! I think. No, I am totally doing this. Now is the time. This is happening.







%d bloggers like this: