Don’t Mess With Mama Bear

 Dear New Hire Employee,

            I realize it is your first day of work here, and you may be a little too anxious to present your knowledge of all things in the universe, however I find it terribly inappropriate for you to criticize the benefits given to you by this company and also extremely stupid of you to pick a fight with the admin assistant (me) IN FRONT OF THE BOSS.  Do you not realize that I can make your life a living hell here?  Don’t you know that if you want something done, I am the person to make it happen?  So even though I am extremely pissed off at you right now, ye of little social skills, I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt that in the future, you will be more careful about what you say and how you say it. 

Sincerely,

Take That Tone With Me Again And The Claws Will Come Out

I Feel Good, nanananananana, I knew that I would now…

Can’t think of anything awe-inspiring to write about today, so I’ll just post my little list of things that make me feel good… 

  • A nap
  • Exercise
  • Nice clothes
  • Pedicures
  • Visits with my friends
  • A good book
  • A good movie
  • Dates with my husband
  • Nice jewelry
  • Nice perfume
  • New shoes
  • Shopping at antique malls
  • Candles
  • Decorating my house
  • A good night’s sleep
  • A clean house
  • A creamy cup of coffee

Do you have a list? If not, I highly recommend making one.  Have a good weekend everyone!

Crystal Ball

 I asked myself a question last night.  “If I knew that I would never lose another pound, and I would be this same size for the rest of my life, what would I do? How would I live my life differently?”

  •  Well, for starters, I would go buy a killer wardrobe consisting of good quality clothes that fit my body well. And of course I would have to have some gorgeous shoes to go with that fabulous wardrobe!
  •  In addition to that fabulous wardrobe, I would buy some pretty lingerie and stop hiding myself in oversize Elvis t-shirts and big baggy pajama pants.
  •  I would slather myself in exotic scented lotions and pamper my feet with at home pedicures (and maybe the professional pedicure once in a while).
  •  I would be happy to see someone I know at the store, and not be so concerned about what they must think of me or how I look.
  •  I would go to my high school reunion and be excited to see my old school chums, and not be embarrassed that I don’t weigh 115 pounds like I did in high school, because I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who has put on weight in the last 20 years. 🙂
  •  I would tell other women – my friends, my family, and total strangers that they are beautiful no matter their weight, simply because they are women, because as far as I’m concerned, women are the most beautiful creatures on earth.

So, what would you do differently? 

GarlICKY

To My  Regional Manager,

If you are going to use my office after-hours, could you please refrain from eating, breathing, and sweating GARLIC??? I understand you love the stuff and so do I, however your overuse of the bulb has created an overpowering stench that I find  difficult to work in.  And fyi, Glade Apple Cinnamon air freshener does not cover up said garlic odor. 

Sincerely,

Passing Out From The Fumes

It Is What It Is

I’ve been trying to drown myself in good body-positive thoughts the last couple of days, and I find that I am happier for it.  I am slowly coming to terms with this body that I am living in right now.  Maybe it isn’t the disgusting, huge mountain of flesh I usually consider it to be.  Maybe it’s actually the beautiful vessel that carries around a hilarious, smart, sassy woman that has lots of friends and a great family.  There have been a few events and concepts that I have come across recently that have helped me move forward with my body acceptance: 

Whenever I look in the mirror and am tempted to bash my body for not being perfect, I have adopted this mantra: “It is what it is. This is my body today and there is nothing I do about the way it looks right now.”  So I had better just get over it and move on.  There are more important things to think about than the size of my thighs or the dimples in my behind.  So for today, I am choosing to ignore those nasty hateful thoughts that want to keep me down, and I am embracing those thoughts that tell me I am beautiful, just the way I am today. 

BRRRRRR

I am wearing long sleeves today and I couldn’t be happier about it!  When I left for work this morning it was a crisp 54 degrees, and it was dark.  I love love love that first cool day that lets us know that summer is over and fall is starting to fall into place.  What is it about a change in weather that can change our moods? My frame of mind has shifted this morning for no other reason than the change in weather.  I have visions of high school football games, hayrides, weenie roasts, and killer jackets and boots!!  Oooooo, I love autumn!  I love crunchy leaves, burgundy chrysanthemums, and the occasional Chai Latte.  Oh, I know there will be a couple of days when Summer tries to claw her way back in, but for today, she is gone.   I think I’ll take the kids to the park just to celebrate.

Hurts So Good

So, after my Chariots of Fire experience on the treadmill Saturday, on Sunday morning I noticed a dull ache in the area of my posterior.  More specifically, the area where my behind meets my thighs.  It was a strange sensation, and at first I didn’t know what it was. Then it dawned on me, OMG I HAVE MUSCLES DOWN THERE!!! You mean underneath all that flab, there are actual muscles????? Yes, it was the scream of muscles in rebellion to my strange new activity.  So in response to this crazy new feeling, I couldn’t wait to get back on the treadmill yesterday.  Why?  Because I like the pain. Because I liked that I could feel muscle underneath the cottage cheese.  Because it wasn’t pain in the sense of “Dang, I just poured lemon juice on my paper cut”, it was the kind of pain associated with working hard and accomplishing something – ya know, a good kind of pain.  My hubby is a landscaper and irrigation contractor and a very physical guy.  He basically digs ditches for a living, but he owns the company, so he is very proud of his work.  I asked him one time why he chose this as a profession and he said it is because he likes feeling his muscles working.  As I stated in an earlier post, I am built for comfort.  But lately I am realizing that it feels good to move and be productive.  Oh, I’ve worked out before and logged plenty of miles on the treadmill, but then, it was always in search of burned calories and shed pounds.  Now, however, I am trying to focus on getting stronger and healthier. Since I’ve really tried to embrace this shift in thinking, getting on the treadmill doesn’t feel like a prison sentence, it actually feels liberating.  And what’s funny is I can go a lot longer than I could before, when the prize was only a few calories burned.  So I am going to ride this high for as long as I can and see where it takes me.  And yes, my muscles are still rebelling against their perceived torture, but I told them to get used to it- this is going to be happening a lot from now on!

Let’s Get Physical

…And the clouds parted and was heard the sounds of thousands of angels singing….That’s how I felt this morning when I got off the treadmill. Yep, I did it. The couch potato moved. I told myself I would just do 5 minutes and if I wanted to stop after that, it was okay. So I did 5, then 10 and after each 5 minute increment, I asked myself, “how do you feel, can you go another 5 minutes?” And I did that for a total of 35 minutes. Yay me!!! I feel really good now. Maybe I’ll even do it again tomorrow. 🙂

Sta-Puft

Remember the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters (for those of you born before 1985)?  That’s how I feel today – big and cranky and destructive.  I ate a whole can of Chick Peas yesterday after work and I am paying the price for it today!  I feel like I have a big rock sitting in my stomach.  UGH!  Oh, and don’t for one minute think that’s all I ate after work, I also had 2 bowls of Honeycomb cereal…and a biscuit with butter and honey…I wonder why I feel so crappy today…hmmm.  However, after my food orgy, I didn’t eat dinner because I wasn’t hungry, so I guess I can count that as a small personal victory.  In my dieting days, after a binge like that I would have eaten dinner AND dessert too. 

I have been reading a lot about self acceptance and such, and I am all for it.  But here’s the deal – if I were big, and I took care of myself and exercised and all that, I think I could accept myself.  However, I am big, I don’t take care of myself and I don’t exercise, so I am having a really hard time accepting my body the way it is, because frankly, I have treated my body horribly for the last 10 years.  All this fat is my own doing, eating too much, eating for boredom, eating for happiness, eating, eating, and eating. And exercise?  Well, let’s just say my people were built for comfort.  I come from a long line of lounge lizards.  Not necessarily lazy, but we do like our downtime!  I can not think of one single athlete in my family.  Not one.  So who am I to become that one?  That’s what I am struggling with right now.  Here is a quote from the Shrink Yourself program I read today, “For most people, failure is familiar. It’s the change and successes that are frightening”.  Brilliant, huh?  It also reminds me of a quote my Marianne Williamson, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”  I love this!  It rings so true for me.  So if I decide to become that athlete, or some semblance of one, who does that make me?  What would I talk about with my mom and my sister?  Moving out my comfort zone is scary, and my treadmill is waaay out of my comfort zone.  But I guess I need to just suck it up and do it if I want to feel good about myself.  Because right now what I am doing just isn’t going to cut it.  

Call it what you will

 

Non-dieting, demand feeding, intuitive eating, normal eating, conscious eating. Different names, same definition. Eat when you are hungry, stop when you are full. The holy grail of eating disordered folks everywhere. It sounds simple enough, but truth be told, it is much harder than dieting. When you diet, you don’t have to think. You just do what you are told to do, eat what you are told to eat, and heaven forbid you should stray one inch. This however, makes you think. You have to think about why you are eating and, if you aren’t hungry why don’t you just stop? Oh, there are rules. Well, more like guidelines than rules. Eat when you are hungry, stop when satisfied. But what if you don’t know you are hungry? What if you don’t remember what it feels like to be truly hungry? Or worse, (for me anyway) how do you stop when you are satisfied? How do you stop a freight train when it is going through the kitchen 150 miles an hour? How do you stop eating ice cream when it tastes oh so good? This is my struggle. I can wait for hunger, no problem. It’s when I start eating, I don’t want to stop, that is the problem.
I have to admit, I am somewhat new to the whole idea of intuitive eating. Well, actually I was introduced to it almost 10 years ago through the Weigh Down Workshop. I know, I know. Scary zealot telling me God will be mad at me if I don’t lose 5 pounds. So after 12 weeks of that, I tossed normal eating out the window and began a heart wrenching journey of dieting that has taken its toll. When I did WDW, I was 150 pounds. Now 10 years and countless diets later, I am at a whopping 175 pounds (for me at 5’4″ it is whopping). How did this happen? I began dieting. I have been on the diet bandwagon and have fallen off numerous times. Some diets lasted several months, some lasted less than a day. My diets have included WDW, Body for Life, Weight Watchers (4 times), Denise Austin’s Jump Start, and some of my own inventions that never lasted very long. The breaking point came when I was on round number 4 of WW, following the Core Plan. The foods were very healthy and tasted great and you were allowed to eat as much of the core foods you needed to feel satisfied. I thought, “This is great! This is just what I need!” But I soon began to realize, I couldn’t stop when I was satisfied. I couldn’t even stop when I was full! And then came the snack list (as I remember it). The Core Plan snack list included fruit, vegetables, 94% ff plain or butter-flavored popcorn, and ff milk. And nothing else. Nothing!!! You mean I can’t eat yogurt as a snack? Nope. I can’t have 94% FF Kettle Corn? Nope, it’s a high risk food – you can’t be trusted with a high risk food. So basically what WW is telling me is that I am a moron who cannot make my own snack choices because I might just go berserk and eat an entire carton of yogurt. Thanks WW, you rock!
So, I began my quest for normal eating. Instinctively I knew that what WDW was telling me was the most logical way to weight loss, but I just couldn’t stand Gwen Shamblin looking down her nose at me telling me that I’m not good enough for God if I eat one bite past satisfied. I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure God loves me know matter what I eat. I sincerely hope my salvation doesn’t hang on whether or not I eat 2 Fritos or 222. I Googled “intuitive eating” and lo and behold, a whole list of sites popped up devoted to the idea of eating like a normal person. I ordered Linda Moran’s How to Survive Your Diet, and I liked it. Then I discovered an online program called Shrink Yourself. I am on week 9 of the 12 week program, and I have learned a lot about why I eat, and why I binge, and why I can’t stop eating. I am also learning that this journey is doing to take far longer than 12 weeks to complete. I am going to explore some more non-dieting resources, and just keep plugging along until this thing clicks,
because I know, I know that this is the only way I am going to get my eating under control. What outcome am I hoping for? I am anticipating the day when food is not the focus of my day. When a plate of chocolate chip cookies doesn’t send me into a panic attack. When eating a salad is good and not the evil diet food as I have come to view it. When I can be so wrapped up in a hobby that I forget to eat. When I can be at peace with my body and my food issues. Oh what a glorious day that will be! And I know it is out there somewhere, just waiting for me to take hold of it and LIVE. 
 

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