Out with the old

I’m feeling oddly curious about my some of my behaviors this week, not sure exactly what to make of them.  They are uncharacteristic of me and I am wondering if change is afoot.   The other night I had kind of a funky tummy (inside, not out) and wanted something comforting for dinner: chicken noodle soup.  Not Campbell’s, mine.  Paired with some mini-croissants from the grocery store, my soup tasted fantastic and just exactly what I needed.  Its warm noddle-y goodness wrapped around me like grandma’s quilt and I felt so much better.  But here’s the alarming thing, I stopped at one bowl.  Do you need to re-read that?  I stopped!  Because I was finished! I was satisfied with the soup, and I wanted to save room for the chocolate pie I bought at my son’s insistence (crazy insane insistence!).  Normally, I would eat cns to maximum capacity, but that night, I didn’t want more. I KNOW! Amazing right?!  So anyway, I get my smallish piece of pie and bite into it and OMGosh what the hell is in that?????  It was like no other pie I have ever eaten and I don’t mean that in a good way.  I took one more bite just to be sure (I’ve always been one to give second chances), and yep, still disgusting.  So you know what I did?  I THREW THE PIE IN THE TRASH.  Major major breakthrough for me.  And the really interesting thing was that I didn’t even really think about it at the time, I just kind of did it.  Maybe IE really is starting to become intuitive for me.   Strange occurrence numero 2:  I made an attempt at yoga last night, and surprisingly, I was not the bumbling buffoon I thought I would be.  I DVRed Namaste Yoga from FitTV and when I got home from work, I shooed the kids outside and started in.  It was relaxing and energizing at the same time.  I really like it and I felt good, except when my 7yo daughter came in with her friend so they could gawk at mom doing some “yogurt”.  I quickly told them to go back outside and mind their own business, and I continued.  Where’s the strange occurrence you may ask?  Well the fact that I did yoga or any other kind of exercise is strange for me.  Oh, I go in fits and starts, but I’ve never found anything that I wanted to stick with, mainly because the only things I have tried have been walking on the treadmill and a short stint at jogging.  So this is really different for me, but I think I may do it again and see how I like it.   And finally the strangest of all:  Someone brought donuts to work this morning.  Not a big deal, but in my dieting days it would have sent me into a panic because I would have really really wanted one, but denied myself, and then had three.  In my pre-dieting days, I would have probably 4 and then felt awful from the sugar rush and subsequent crash.  But today, I had already eaten a very tasty and filling fried egg sandwich (it’s a southern thing), and so I wasn’t hungry.  Pre IE that wouldn’t have stopped me from having one, but I thought about it and thought about it some more and I decided the donut could not taste better than my sandwich, so I DECLINED the donut.  Yep, I walked away.  It’s really a strange and uncomfortable feeling to do the opposite of what I have done for so long, but somehow strange and uncomfortable feel okay right now.   I know, nothing earth-shattering or anything, just small but very significant steps to freeing myself from so much…mind clutter.  That’s what dieting was to me – clutter. Something that was always in the way, but I never could do anything with it.  So, I’m giving myself a pat on the back and a “you rock” for my tiny steps forward – yay me!

Ulterior Motives

I ran across this while doing a web search for “body acceptance”.  I’m not sure how I feel about this article.  On the one hand, it promotes body acceptance and explains that loving our bodies unconditionally is beneficial to a happier existence.  But all of that is wrapped up with in the confines of losing weight.  It is written by Jorge Cruise, who has several diet and exercise books on the market, so of course I expect someone like him to write about weight loss.  But my problem with this article is why does it have to even mention weight loss?  Why can’t it just be about accepting ourselves, as we are, today? The article gives lots of good reasons and tips on doing things to help you take care of your body, but what really bugs me is that it also represents the exact thing I am fighting myself with lately:  I don’t want to lose weight under the guise of body acceptance.  I don’t want losing weight to be the reason for wanting to love my body.  I want to love my body and IF I happen to lose a few pounds along the way, fine, great, but if I don’t, am I suddenly going to turn against myself and start the hating all over again?  I know how well that has worked in the past (that was sarcasm there) and I’m sorry, but I don’t want to go there again.  I guess what I am really trying to say  is that if you are loving body in the hopes that it will lead to lost inches, that isn’t really loving your body, because you WANT it to change, because if you really loved and accepted your body for all the wonderful things it can do for you, you wouldn’t care one way or the other if you lost or gained weight, right?  It’s like someone telling you “don’t think of a tree”, then all you can think about it the tree!  If someone says, you must first love your body before you can lose weight, all I am going to think about is losing weight,  as in, “I haven’t lost any weight, therefore I must not love myself enough”.  Sounds a lot like, “if I just had more willpower I wouldn’t eat a chocolate chip cookie,” doesn’t it?  It starts leading me down a scary crazy road named Points Place.  Am I reading too much into it?  I don’t know, but I am going to be very careful in how I use IE and body acceptance from now on.  Hmm, I guess I do know how I feel about this article after all.

Flip Flop

I started this blog because in reading other blogs, I wanted to leave comments that were a page long, so I decided I need someplace to think out loud – and voila, Sassy Pear was born.  My intent was to make it a place where I could talk about intuitive eating and body acceptance, because I believe these are pathways to a happier existence for me.  I believe that diets do not work, that exercise for weight loss is torturous, and that a woman’s beauty is reflective of what is going on inside of her.  I really do believe all this – however, one day I suddenly panicked and decided I needed “A Plan” because I could not tolerate this fat any longer. I don’t know what set if off, but to be quite honest, I was scared and didn’t really believe that I was strong enough to live a life outside of the plan.  So I found a plan, and was excited and felt safe again within the guidelines of a plan (notice how I carefully avoid the word “diet”. Sniff Sniff, what’s that smell? Oh yeah, that’s DENIAL).  But then the old frustrations started to sneak up again – I don’t know how many calories this is, how am I going to track it?  I know this cookie is going to send me over my calorie limit. I didn’t do any cardio today, or yesterday… sigh… I’m such a loser.   Well, today the blogging forces are once again at work in my life, and I’m taking the hint.  Thank God for these women and their phenomenal resolve to get the truth out there and run with it.  I soak in the words of these messages and hope that I can actually live them.  I want to be steely in my stance and not be so cowardly and run at the first sign of struggle.  I am still not convinced that I am strong enough to do this, but when I think about it, I successfully tackle difficult tasks every day, so maybe there is something inside me that I can pull out to conquer this as well.   So I am issuing a challenge to myself:  for the rest of October, I am going to immerse myself in all the body acceptance blogs and resources I can find. I am going to find one thing that gets me in touch with the strength of my body (I’m thinking yoga, maybe?) and I am going to go shopping and buy nice clothes that fit me NOW, because I like shopping – it makes me happy.  And I am really going to make the decision to work hard at IE and not backtrack into Dietland.   I will learn to love this pear shape even if it kills me!

Friday!!!

 It’s Friday! It’s Friday! It’s Friday Friday Friday!! Here’s why I love Fridays:

  • It’s almost the weekend
  • I don’t have to set my alarm when I go to bed
  • Pizza night!
  • So many possibilities for the weekend
  • Movie night!
  • Everyone just seems to be in a better mood

In celebration of today I’m going to share with you a few of my favorite groaners.  Here we go:

Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur’s Round Table? 

        Sir Cumference

Did you hear about the guy who got his whole left side cut off?

        He’s all right now

Why are elephants big gray and wrinkly?

        Because if they were small round and white they’d be aspirin

What do you call a short fortune teller who escapes from prison?

        A small medium at large!!

HA!! I crack myself up.  Happy Friday everyone!

Snap Out Of It

 Gads, I am so sick of feeling sorry for myself.  I just now, right now decided to get the hell over myself and quit whining about food.  There is so much more out there to occupy my thoughts other than “how am I going to lose weight” and “should I count calories or not”.  UGH!!  I like to think I am a happy-go-lucky kinda gal, so wallowing in anything for any amount of time is uncharacteristic of me.  So I put in my Doors CD (I love you Jim Morrison!) and I am listening to Jimmy sing “Hello, I Love You” to me (I can pretend, can’t I?),  and I am forcing myself to get happy dammit!   And ya know what?  It’s working.  I really want to get up and dance right now, but I’m afraid one of the coworkers will walk in on me and then I’ll have to explain why this morning I was a total biotch and now I’m jumping around like a teenybopper at a Duran Duran concert (I love you John Taylor!!).  Gotta love those fluctuating hormones! Anyway, so yeah, here I am, working it out through a little “Light My Fire” therapy.  I highly recommend it. 

Intuitive Dieting?

 I am really struggling to find some balance in my life right now, especially in regards to food and weight.  I joined SparkPeople and I really like it, but after reviewing the meal plan and food list, I have decided not to follow their meal plan.  Mainly I don’t want to follow it because there are a lot of foods on there that I don’t like, such as asparagus, cucumbers, eggplant, and some of the meals are totally foreign to me.  Here is what I really want out of a plan – I want to eat what I like, just less of it.  Sounds like IE right?  However when I tried to do IE wholeheartedly, all I wanted to eat was crap that made me feel awful and I never could stop when I was full.  So that’s where the calorie counting came in.  Can I learn to eat less of what I like by counting calories? Is there such a thing as intuitive dieting?  I don’t know.  I just know that I can’t keep going the way I have been – something’s gotta give.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

So cranky today!!  I snapped at a coworker for asking me what kind of sandwich I brought to work today.  The thing is, he asks me EVERYDAY what I have brought for lunch.  He has to dissect and inspect what I am eating for lunch every single day and frankly today I just couldn’t take it anymore.  I literally opened up my sandwich and listed every single ingredient between those two pieces of bread, then I told him how many carrots I had with me, and I opened up my lunch sack and told him exactly what was inside there (yogurt and grapes), along with how many ounces of water I thought were left in my cup.  He was dumbstruck.  He said “sorry I didn’t mean to offend you” and hasn’t said another word to me all day long, which is fine.   I don’t care what he brought for lunch, and neither does anyone else, so why why why must he know the contents of my lunch box everyday????  I think I need a nap or some chocolate or a good stiff drink.  Or a nap.  I’m such a biotch when I’m tired.

Comfy

I’m such a nerd.  I still have 3 pairs of Hanes sweats in my drawer that I have owned for over 10 years now, ya know, the kind with the really tight elastic around the ankles and thick material.  They were pretty comfortable – 10 years ago.  So I decided I needed some modern comfort in my life and headed to Wally World in search of new work out wear.  I found a pair of cute track pants (navy blue with the stripes down the side) and to my shock and awe, there were several sizes to choose from.  Here comes the point of this post:  I chose the size that FIT, not the size I wish would fit.  Actually they are just a tad big, but they look good on me and they feel great.  I really really really wanted to wear them to work today, but I thought that might not be such a great idea.  I’m going back to get a couple more pair, different colors of course, but having something fit, even if it is just work out clothes, makes me feel good.  Yee-haw for comfort!!

Confession

 Okay, so lately I’ve been a bit of a whiner, as you may have noticed.  Lots of external stresses and too much cake have exacerbated the pity party, but I have been giving myself pep talks all weekend long and I think I have put the whiner baby to bed.  It’s hard making a change – just thinking about making a change is stressful.  I am trying to accept my body for what it is, but in reality, I need to lose some weight.  My body is at its breaking point and it is telling me it has had enough abuse.  My feet hurt from carrying around 40 extra pounds.  My back hurts from trying to keep “the girls” up where they belong.  My hips hurt at night and so do my arms from laying on them.  And I’m just tired…physically, mentally, emotionally. I’m tired of being tired all the time.   So even though I really admire all of you who are anti-diet, and total body acceptance oriented, I’m afraid I need some help.

 Some people are really good at the whole diet game.  They can eat minimal amounts of food or exercise like crazy and have motivation enough for a Mary Kay seminar.  They drop pounds fast and keep them off.  I am not one of those people.  I have never been accused of being too skinny, or not eating enough, even when I was 108 pounds in college I could scarf a burger, fries, and shake, and still eat a full meal at 10:00 at night.  But now I’m 176 pounds and for the last 10 years I have struggled to take the weight off.  So I need some help, and even though I am a little afraid to admit it, I need to do what I need to do FOR ME. 

I have joined the SparkPeople website. I like the approach they take, it’s not too rigid, and is just a way to be accountable to myself, and to others if I so choose.  I track the calories I eat and adjust my eating accordingly.  I am astounded at how much I eat in a day and I know I can live on a lot less.  I also really like their approach to exercise.  Start small, and gradually build up.  I know I have heard all of this before, but seeing it and being able to track it, makes a lot of difference for me.  Being able to do it on my terms and no one else’s is a huge help, and I love earning the points for trophies!  I like the acceptance and support of the message boards, and all the resources in the form of articles, quizzes, and emails.  So even though I feel like a traitor to the IE community, I really feel like this is the direction I want to take right now.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

 I was thinking the other day about why it is so easy for some people to lose weight and so hard for me.  Well, if I am going to be totally honest with myself, it is because while I really want to be healthy and slim, I don’t want to do the things that go along with it.  There. I said it.  I don’t want to change my habits.  I like eating sweets and watching movies on the couch for 2 or 3 hours.  I like reading a book all afternoon.  I like to eat casseroles and brownies.  I don’t like to sweat.  I don’t like spending and hour on the treadmill and I don’t want to have to drive 20 minutes to the nearest walking trail.  I live on a dead end street out in the country, and to walk up and down the road is about as boring as being on the treadmill.  I feel clumsy and awkward doing work out DVDs, so I avoid those like the plague.  I don’t want to take diet pills, or go to meetings, or cut out entire food groups.  Yeah, I know I sound like a spoiled brat, digging in my heels and being stubborn to the detriment of no one but myself.  But that’s how I feel. 

So having said that, I still really want to be happy in this body, and that means getting rid of some of this fat.  Actually, I do love this body, just not the fat that covers it.  So what do I do?  I’m not far enough along in my body acceptance journey to just be happy with what I’ve got, and honestly, I don’t think I ever will be as long as I am this out of shape.  How do I motivate myself to make changes that I don’t want to make?  How do I convince my brain that exercising is more fun than say, sitting at the computer and reading blogs for hours?    I’m just curious if there is anyone out there who started out this way, but overcame their own stubborn will and is now a healthy and happy person.  If you are out there, I would love to hear from you, so feel free to offer any advice you’ve got.  Thanks and have a great weekend!

Dear John, I Mean, Cake

 Dear Birthday Cake,

            When we agreed to meet last night, I looked forward to you with great anticipation and longing.  I have been thinking of you a lot since last week when we agreed to get together for offspring #2’s birthday party.  I even stood up that third slice of pizza, just so I would have extra room for you last night.  When I saw you, you were beautiful – pink and purple flowers, every color of the rainbow frosting, and those thickly scrolled edges, Oh, how I licked my lips like Pavlov’s dogs! 

            But when I took that first bite, I knew something was amiss.  You were a little… um, dry.  And that lovely frosting?  It was so sweet that I could almost feel the granules of sugar on my tongue.  Suddenly, Cake, you weren’t so appealing anymore.  Yes, I gave you a couple more chances to taste better, but each bite seemed to get worse and worse.  I sighed in disappointment, and that’s when I knew…you weren’t forbidden anymore, so you didn’t taste as heavenly as I thought you would.  Please don’t be offended; really, it’s me, not you that has changed.  I suddenly no longer need you and you have no hold over me anymore. 

            I should be a little sad that our relationship won’t be what it was, but really, I am somewhat glad.  Because this means that maybe I am finally growing up a little and realizing my taste buds are calling for something more adult than birthday cake. So I’m afraid it is goodbye for now Sweet Cake.  I’m sure we will see each other again, and I may have one or two bites just for old time’s sake, but that is all.  I’m off to find better, more satisfying things, things that will truly enhance my life, not just my waistline.

Sincerely,

Me

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