Friday ramblings

The video from yesterday’s post got me all fired up (really, Jill? We couldn’t tell at all!) but I will admit that there are a few magazines that I do like to read. In fact, one of my favorite pastimes is huddling up on my bed spending a leisurely hour flipping through a magazine with a glass of wine by my bedside. And since I’m old and boring now, I tend to read magazines that cater to my middle-agedness, like Good Housekeeping, Oprah’s magazine, and Dr. Oz’s The Good Life (I actually really like his magazine – it has lots of good info and articles). Sometimes there are diet-y articles in these magazines, but I don’t even pay attention to those – I just flip the page and keep on moving. Oh and here’s the best part, I can download current issues of magazines FOR FREE through my local library using the Zinio for libraries app. I think it works better on a tablet than a phone, so keep that in mind if you decide to check it out.

In other news, my hair has decided to be curly again. The curl comes and goes and has done so my whole life. It was curly when I was a wee lass, then it went barely wavy, then in high school when I got a perm, it went from stick straight to CURLY ON STEROIDS and stayed that way for a few years. Then it chilled out and went barely wavy again until I had my last baby and then it decided to be curly again. Then my hormones leveled out and it went back to wavy. I guess I must be going through another hormonal change because for the last month or so I could not get my hair to behave no matter what I did – I blew it dry with a brush, I curled it, I straightened it…all to no avail. It just would not do anything resembling anything that I wanted to leave the house with. So one day last week when I just didn’t feel like fighting the battle that day, I half way dried it with my hairdryer while sort of scrunching it and lo and behold, it didn’t look half bad. I got several compliments that day on how good it looked – I had that whole beachy-wave thing going and I barely put any effort into it. So the next day I did some research on curly hair routines and came up with one of my own that totally works for me. And now I have curly hair again that I love!! My routine is simple and I end up spending far less time in the morning than I did before when I tried to beat my hair into submission. Letting it do its thing within the boundaries I set for it has allowed it to be what it wants to be. Also, I feel like there’s an analogy in there somewhere regarding body image and weight loss and trusting your body to be what it wants within the boundaries you set for it, but I haven’t  had enough caffeine to figure out exactly what it is yet. If you figure it out before I do, let me know.

Are you guys watching This Is Us on NBC on Tuesday nights? Oh gosh, this is my new favorite show. There’s only been 2 episodes so far, so you can still catch up if you haven’t watched it yet (I think you can watch it on or there’s an NBC app you can download too). Good characters, good plot lines, twists that make you want more. I hope they can stay on this path and keep this show feeling real. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a show that was “mine” and I want this to be it.

Volleyball is over now for my high schooler, so I’ll have lots of time in the evenings to chill or read or cook or do whatever. For the last two months, nearly every weeknight has been all about the VBall (except Wednesdays which are all about gymnastics for my middle-schooler). I won’t know what to do with myself and all my free time!! I’ve been reading when I can grab a few minutes but now I’ll have HOURS of free time. Okay, maybe not HOURS but a lot more time than I’ve had for awhile. I actually have some goals for October that I want to attend to: I’m working on putting together a book club for a few friends and myself, and I’m also working on hosting a neighborhood party for the women who live on my street. We’ve had several new folks move in and I think it would be good for all of us to get to know each other. Also, I really want to make exercise a consistent thing. I go at it in spurts – I work out for several days one week, then don’t work out again for 3 weeks, etc – and I’d really just like to figure out how to make it A REGULAR THING in my life. So those are my goals for the next month. Fun stuff, but it’ll take some effort.

I hope you have a good, relaxing weekend full of enjoyable things. Find something this weekend that makes you glad to be alive!





THIS. All of it.


If I could go back and talk to my 20-year-old self, the first thing I would tell her is to get rid of these bullshit magazines. Some of the most regrettable decisions I made were due to the articles in magazines like these. These magazines made it sound like sex was to be used as a weapon of empowerment and that one-night-stands were something to be proud of (I only had a couple of one-night-stands in my early 20s, and I definitely didn’t feel proud the next morning). I had no idea that following the advice of these articles would leave me with years of shame and regret. I was young and naive and I believed pretty much anything anyone told me – even stupid fashion magazines.

And don’t even get me started on the photoshopping and how damaging to body image these magazines are. The video explains that all well enough.

Guys, this is an entire industry built on making us believe we aren’t good enough. Why are these things still even in existence??? Aren’t we beyond this type of thinking by now? And if not, what is it going to take to make us all aware that no matter what we weigh or what the size tag says in our jeans, we are all PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE AS IS? Not happy with your weight? That’s fine. But don’t fall for the lie that you are somehow less-than because of it. Let’s stop believing that lie, OKAY?????? Enough already!!

I know it’s not that simple, but can we at least agree to start trying to believe that we are worthy and deserving of love and admiration and respect just because we are alive? You deserve it – all of it – all of the love, all of the respect, all of the magic in the universe, simply because you get up each day and do your thing.

So put down the shamezines and refuse to believe that your beauty is flawed. You are loved and lovely and worthy and deserving.



Giving credit where credit is due

Over the weekend, my husband and I loaded up the RV and traveled an hour to a state park and managed to get away for a couple of days WITHOUT KIDS.


I love my kids, but it has been about 4 years since the hubs and I have gone away together. It was so great to be able to just focus on each other and nothing else. We went hiking and then shopping, then later that night sat outside having some adult beverages (the weather was perfect for once!). It was a really great weekend.

One thing I thought about over the course of the weekend is that, my goodness, I do A LOT at home! Being able to step back and only have myself (and my husband, of course) to think about was eye opening. Between working and grocery shopping and cooking and cleaning and running kids around it’s a wonder I can find any pockets of time to myself at all! I also realized that I do not give myself NEAR enough credit for all the things I do. I should give myself a pat on the back every single night before I go to sleep for keeping all the plates spinning during the day.

And because I’m NOT a special snowflake, I imagine that you probably have your own plates that you keep spinning as well. So take a few minutes before you go to sleep tonight to mentally applaud yourself for keeping your life going. Being an adult is hard work, yo. Give yourself a high-five; you deserve it!!


This is me high fiving myself.

Not as evolved as I thought…OR AM I?

Hey, guess who can’t handle having a dish of Halloween candy on her desk?


I thought my coworkers might enjoy something other than the standard peppermints I usually keep on my desk, so I bought a couple of bags of Halloween candy to fill my dish.

Amount of candy coworkers have eaten: ZERO

Amount of candy Jill has eaten: ALL THE CANDIES ALL THE TIMES

The craziest part is that it’s not even candy that I particularly care for. I bought it specifically because I don’t really like it. If this candy were in my Trick or Treat bag, I’d gladly pass it on to someone else. IT’S NOT EVEN GOOD, YOU GUYS.

And yet, I find myself sneaking piece after piece throughout the day.


So, in a show of strength and solidarity to myself, I threw it out. All of it. Because it just isn’t serving me well.



Pics or it didn’t happen.


Yes, it is perfectly acceptable to throw out candy if it makes you feel bad about yourself or your choices or whatever. I didn’t like how it made me feel, so OUT it went. And THAT made me feel good. So there.

We now return to our regularly scheduled peppermints.


Oh Monday, you cheeky monkey, you.

Well today is definitely showing itself to be a MONDAY. After a fitful sleep due to some neck/shoulder pain and a snoring husband, I got up 15 minutes late this morning and had to battle the Hair That Refused To Be Tamed. It currently looks like a cross between Crazy Drunk and Nick Nolte Mug Shot. It’s lovely.

Then when I finally got to work, I discovered that we were out of my favorite coffee (Caramel Vanilla Cream for those who want to know). Fixed myself a cup of regular coffee then forgot about it for ten minutes so when I finally remembered to drink it, it was tepid. Nothing says “Your day is going to suck” like a cup of lukewarm coffee first thing in the morning. I had taken approximately 2 sips of coffee, then as I was reaching for a paperclip, my elbow hit my cup of coffee and it spilled all over my desk and the floor just as a coworker came in to ask me some questions. Nice.

THEN someone called our office to ask the phone number of another coworker and even though I’ve dialed this phone number literally hundreds of times, I could not for the life of me remember what it was. As I was fumbling through my Rolodex looking for this number, the Fed Ex man came in with a package that needed to be signed for. So Mr. Fed Ex is waiting on me, the guy on the phone is waiting on me, and I’m about as coordinated as a marionette trying to find the number and sign for the package ALL WHILE BE HIGHLY UNCAFFIENATED.

So I fixed myself aNOTHER cup of coffee, then pulled up Facebook to give myself a distraction and saw this:

You guys. I giggled like a fool at this. I don’t know why it struck me as so funny but I actually Laughed Out Loud. It was exactly the tiny mood boost I needed to turn things around. So now, here I sit with my HOT cuppa coffee and I’m ready to get on with my day.

My Monday wish for you is that there will seals playing saxophones for you today when/if you need them. It only takes a little giggle to turn a bad morning into a good afternoon.

Good luck and God Speed, my friends.


I want to follow you! In a non-creepy way, of course.

It occurred to me the other day that I haven’t made the effort to follow the blogs of some of my regular readers. I want to rectify that injustice! If you want me to follow your blog, or your page, or your whatever-it-is, leave me a comment below with your blog or page or whatever and I’ll add you to my Feedly, or you can email me at I want to know what you guys are thinking and feeling and doing (well that sounded creepy. Sorry!)

Anyway,  let me follow you!! Pleeeeaaaasssse????

So this happened yesterday


I completely forgot. Seems like the last few years I have forgotten my blogiversary. This little blog is always on my mind even if I don’t post as often, but I’m going to try to post more often – writing is very therapeutic for me – but I can’t promise anything pithy or deep. If you’ve been reading me for awhile, you know I tend towards the goofy side of life.  🙂

Back to the blogiversary, nine years is a long time to keep writing about how I’m not losing weight! Oh I’ve lost weight here and there, but honestly, this blog hasn’t been a weight loss blog for a long time. I’m totally okay with that. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care about being thin again, but that wish isn’t the center of my universe anymore. I guess the center of my universe now is trying to be mentally healthy as well as physically healthy. Also lately I’ve been thinking about what I need to do now so that when I’m 90 I can still live in my own home and lead a full life.

Sometimes I wonder why I even still bother with this blog. I mean, blogging is so 2009, right? And yet, I just can’t let it go. Maybe I don’t have the knack for knowing when to leave – in another 9 years, will I be the last one at the party? I doubt it. For some of us, our blogs have become a part of our identities and it’s hard to just walk away from that. So for now, I’ll keep it up.

So anyway, yeah. Nine years.




Sad & Crabby

This is a hard week. Life has been extra busy lately with the start of school and my daughter’s volleyball season in full swing plus the tragedy of my daughter’s friend – it’s been a bit much. This week at work we have corporate visitors doing internal audits, which is really not a big deal, but when you have extra people in your space (even if those people are very nice) it can be a little anxiety-producing.

With everything going on, it’s been very hard to find time for self-care. The best I’ve been able to do is a quick meditation or a couple minutes of deep breathing. If I’m at home and have a few minutes, I tend to reach for a book to read. I’m so thankful that this weekend is a long weekend (Monday is Labor Day here in the US – for all my non-US readers which, I think there are 3 of you) because I am going to need some well-deserved ME TIME.

I messed up last weekend and tried to do way too much. Both of my girls had friends sleep over and they had lots of activities they wanted to do, and as much as I was happy to drive them from place to place, I didn’t plan enough down time for myself. Then we rolled into the week with the visitors at work, and it’s only Wednesday and I’m feeling my edges getting frayed. I’ve done little-to-no exercise in the last 2 weeks which also is not helping my nerves. Even just doing a few minutes of exercise really seems to keep me in balance and I can tell that I’ve missed it. I’m going to have to figure out a way to do something somewhere somehow.

I’m taking a day off of work Friday for the memorial service for my daughter’s friend (it’s in the morning, but I know I won’t feel like going back to work after). Saturday I’m getting my hair done (I’m about a month overdue!) and then I have no plans for the rest of the weekend. Actually, I do have some things I’d like to do:  I’m going to take care of some household stuff that’s been bothering me, take long walks outside, do some more reading, and just say NO to anything I don’t feel like doing.

This post really has no point other than to say, don’t forget about yourself. Find a way to schedule some self-care into every day otherwise, you might find yourself in the middle of the week feeling sad & crabby! Lesson learned (the hard way, again. *sigh*).

Struggling this morning

I’m having a rough morning.

Late last week a friend of my daughter’s, a 15-year-old girl, shot herself in the head. She lived until Sunday morning. Apparently, this wasn’t her first attempt. I can’t imagine being so young and being so tormented by your own demons that you would try again and again to end your own life. She was well-liked and had lots of friends, came from a good home, and the community is rallying around her family. My daughter is okay, she’s upset of course, and I’m going to keep an eye on her, but sadly, this isn’t the first time someone she knows from school has committed suicide.

Hug your kiddoes and tell them you love them, no matter what.

In addition to that, it was just a very busy weekend with not very much downtime. Lots of chauffeuring kids around and working on the house and trying to get caught up on laundry. I woke up last night at 3:00a.m.  – the room was too cold, my PJs were twisted, I had a headache, I couldn’t get my pillow right, my  neck was hurting – and it took me forever to go back to sleep, so of course today I woke up with the disposition of a cranky bear. And now that I’m in my quiet, empty office I’m fighting hard not to get caught up in all the emotion. I’d like to crawl under my desk and have a good cry, but with my luck, my boss would walk in mid-wail. So here I sit, writing to you guys instead, hoping it will soothe some of the rawness I’m feeling right now.

I did 4 meditations from the app I told you about a couple of weeks ago and it did help clear my mind a bit, but I think what I really need is just more sleep. But I can’t get that right now, so instead I’ll just sip my coffee and do a little work and hope that the ibuprofen I took earlier will ward off this headache.

I try to stay upbeat and positive, but sometimes a girl’s just gotta feel the sadness for awhile, ya know?

Why I stopped dieting and what happened after I did.

I’ve been feeling the nudge to share this for some time now, but I just never took the time to do it. Since I have a lot of free time this afternoon, I figure now is as good a time as any.

I really thought I had told this story here before, but looking through my archives, I can’t seem to find the post about how/when/why I stopped dieting. This is shocking to me because it had such a profound effect on me and I’ve thought of it often over the last 18+ months; I can’t believe I never blogged about it.

In early 2014, I started working with a weight loss company who offered a personal coach (who was also a Registered Dietitian) to help me lose weight. Now let me say upfront, I loved my RD. She was a great help to me and I know she tried her hardest working within the parameters of the program. I still to this day hold nothing against her. And the program itself was pretty good, but there were certain aspects that I just could not wrap my brain around. So, I struggled from the beginning but with the help of my RD, I did okay. I lost ten pounds on that program, but it took me a solid year to do it, and I white-knuckled my way through that whole entire year. I learned a lot about nutrition, but I also learned that I was miserable.

Fast forward to SuperBowl Sunday 2015. We had planned a small party with our next door neighbors and we had all the usual Superbowl Food: hot wings, Lil Smokies in bbq sauce, Rotel dip and chips, etc, etc, etc. I had some healthy foods on hand like carrots & celery, whole wheat crackers, and some Buffalo Cauliflower (cauliflower dipped in buffalo sauce batter, then baked – very delicious). It’s the Buffalo Cauliflower I remember the most about that day. I had tried to load up on the healthier options, and have just a tiny portion of the less-than-healthy foods because I knew I would have to log my foods and my RD would be seeing my log. I knew that since the cauliflower was dipped in batter, it probably wasn’t the healthiest choice, but I knew it was better than some of the other foods we had there. I had a few pieces and I really liked the taste.

Guys…I couldn’t stop. I kept popping those cauliflower bites into my mouth one right after the other and I COULD. NOT. STOP. I ate what was left of them (and there were a lot because no one else really liked them but me) and then I said “Screw it!” and partook of a little more of everything else on the table. I was eating what I wanted to eat and I was in ECSTACY. I remember thinking to myself, “This is purely the result of restricting my eating. This is due solely to feeling deprived for all these months.” It was right then that I decided I was done with restricting what I ate and done with feeling deprived. I vowed right then and there never to go another diet ever again.

On Feb 3, I told my RD that I needed to walk away from the program because it was just becoming too hard to stay on it. Surprisingly, she agreed and we parted ways amicably.

My biggest fear was that since I had no “plan”, I would just gain and gain and gain until I had to be lifted by a crane from my house through a cut-out in the wall. Well, guess what? it’s been a little over 18 months and I’ve only gained the ten pounds I lost, and not surprisingly, I gained them fairly quick. For the last year though, I’ve maintained my weight. Let the significance of that sink in for a minute.

In the last year, eating whatever I want, whenever I want, I have not gained weight. I’ve maintained my weight within 2-3 pounds (up and down) for an entire year – without restricting. 

When I gained those ten pounds back, I was eating all the foods I had deprived myself of for so long, and I was eating them without guilt. Then things sort of leveled off and I realized that I didn’t want to eat junk food all the time because it really didn’t make me feel very good. So I started thinking about what foods would make me feel good and I started eating those foods more often.

The way I eat now… I really can’t put a label on it. It’s not Intuitive Eating because I don’t rate my hunger or consciously “stop when I’m satisfied”, or carry a food bag around with me. Maybe you could call it mindful eating, because I do stop and think before I eat about what it is exactly that I want – sometimes I want a huge salad with a lot going on in it, sometimes I want a meal like meatloaf and mashed potatoes, and sometimes I just want some ice cream dammit. It really just depends on the day.

What I really love about the way I eat now is that there is no angst. I don’t worry and fret about whether or not this particular food falls in line with my program, and I don’t spend hours and hours obsessing over food in general like I used to. There are no more “crazy food voices” anymore. I couldn’t imagine I ever would say this, but gaining those ten pounds was a fair exchange for the mental and emotional freedom I have now.

So for those of you who think you’ll just go crazy and eat the world if you aren’t on a diet or a food plan or a weight loss program, I am here to tell you, you won’t. You might go nuts for a couple of weeks, but then you’ll slow your roll and start eating like a person who hasn’t been trying to live on 1200 calories for years and years. You’ll be okay.

When you stop dieting and start focusing on YOU – what makes you tick, what makes you happy, what relaxes you – and start adding in those things on a regular basis…that’s when the magic starts to happen.

And as I always say, this is what works for me – your mileage may vary – but I do know that there are an awful lot of people just like me who need to hear this today. There are so many of you out there who are holding on so tightly to your dream of weight loss that you don’t even realize that there is so much more to life than the number on the scale (I was there, I get it).

If you have any questions about this or you just want to vent, you can always email me ( or share your thoughts in the comments. Just remember, you are not alone in this.




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