Don’t Forget the Fun

For the last few days I’ve been at war with my body image. Usually when this happens it’s because I feel like something is out of my control, and I direct that frustration towards my overly soft, chubby body, but this time I couldn’t really pinpoint what I felt I didn’t have control over. Our finances are fine (for the first time in a while), my kids are okay, marriage is intact…really I have no idea what brought on this onslaught of negativity towards my weight. The ONLY thing that’s annoying me right now is allergies – there’s so much pollen in the air and springtime in Oklahoma means the wind is blowing ridiculously all day every day (there’s a reason the line in the song is “where the wind comes sweeping down the plain” *sigh*). And when my allergies hit, there’s usually a little feeling of sadness that comes with it – so maybe that’s what was going on.

But as I drove to work this morning, I was scrolling through the Sirius XM channels and happened to stop on a new wave channel (read: 80s music). I heard some familiar tunes and then this song came on and for whatever reason, my sad little heart perked up and I sang my lungs out:

Sometimes God gives us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it.

I don’t know why this song did the trick – because of it’s bouncy rhythm? because it’s a fun memory from my early teenage years? because it’s just an excellent song for car-dancing???? I honestly felt a shiver go through my body and then I felt my mind shift into something more positive, and I realized that I have been missing a fundamental element of life in the last few weeks: FUN. I can’t think of anything I’ve done lately that was just pure fun, and after the last couple of rough weeks, I need a bit o’fun!

So I have to remember to build in some fun moments to every day – I need something to remind me that life is not just work and making dinner and beating my hair into submission…laughing and enjoying life are important too. And apparently, car dancing.

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Does this circus tent come without stripes?

Whew!  The week of chaos is over and I am alive.  Actually it wasn’t so bad – I tried to just take things day by day, and I lived to tell about it, so it’s all good.

My weight is holding steady at 186 which is a God-send because eating this week has been all over the place.  I feel grateful that I didn’t gain.

Okay are you ready for a sad story? Not sad as in someone little kid has a disease, but sad as in “woe is me, join me in  my pity party, won’t you?”

Yesterday I wore a dress to work. When my husband asked why I was wearing a dress (instead of my usual jeans) I said it was because I was tired of wearing jeans every day and wanted to wear something different. The truth is that when I pulled my jeans out of the dryer to put them on, they were too tight. I know jeans are always a little tight when you get them out of the dryer, but I haven’t had that problem with these jeans because they were always just a little bit big. Not anymore. I got some other pants out of my closet to wear, and they also were too tight,  as were the third and fourth pair I tried on.

Le Sigh.

I have no pants. Like a man without a country, I am a woman without a pair of pants.

Now, I have always been one to say “go buy clothes that FIT, don’t worry about the size”, but damn, y’all I just don’t know if I can go buy a size EIGHT-FRIGGIN-TEEN.  I think that might send me over the edge, even if they are the cutest jeans in the world.  Just the thought of pulling a pair of size EIGHT-GINORMOUS-TEEN pants off the rack and holding them up makes me sweat a little bit. And I realize, it’s not the actual size that bothers me so much as it is that I NEED that size; that I have let myself go to the point where I need to venture outside of my comfortable 14/16 size and must foray into these larger unfamiliar sizes.  I am heading in the opposite direction of where I intended to go.  I think my GPS is busted.

And in a related story, I have decided I just can’t pull off the capris look. My legs are so short and my calves are so big, that capris make my legs look like stubby little tree trunks. The only solution I can think of is go with the maxi dress for the rest of the spring/summer. And can we talk about the name “maxi dress”? I know it’s supposed to be the opposite of mini skirt, but couldn’t the fashion world have come up with a better name? It sounds like something you should wear during your special Lady Time every month, or something so big that a circus would consider renting it from you for their show.

Are you having a good time at my pity party? Would you like some more punch?

So what I’m saying is, that either I suck it up and by bigger pants or hide myself under a big dress for the next 6 months. Either way, I’m not happy about it. And even if by the grace of God I do lose some weight, it won’t be enough to make a difference this summer, so once again, I’m going to be spending every gathering and family get-together feeling self conscious. I hate that.

Okay, gag. Enough of that. Even I’m sick of my whining at this point.

I hope you all have a good weekend. Me and my enormous ass are going to go shopping for circus tents. Let’s hope we find one without stripes.

The whining continues…

I just found out yesterday that I am hosting a total of 14 people for Thanksgiving on Thursday. I immediately went into anxiety-mode and I can’t seem to shake it. And so begins the stress that doesn’t end until December 26th. I always get this way this time of year, even though every year is the same – I worry about how my house looks to everyone else, I worry if we’ll have enough money for Christmas, I worry about getting everything done in time. I worry, worry, worry.

Funny thing that “worry” was the subject of our Sunday school lesson this morning.  I know that I need not worry, but yet I feel the tension in my shoulders and I can’t get the nagging feeling out of my body that “oh crap, it’s that time again”. 

Most of the things I worry about are completely ridiculous. For one thing, I really wanted Thanksgiving to be relatively easy with a small menu. Well, it’s already turned into one big food orgy with 6 kinds of pie! Seriously, do 14 people need 6 kinds of pie????   Also we are having 3 different vegetables (and no, they won’t be healthy  – they’ll be drowning in butter and creamed soups), as well as mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, bread, and don’t forget the turkey and stuffing, and if that isn’t enough, we are also having ham.  The thought of all that food stresses me out! Because none of us needs that much! Oh! Oh! Oh! Did I mention that my SIL wants to bring a cocout cake? Who has coconut cake for Thanksgiving?????

The bulk of the work is going to be on me, even though my SIL will be bringing a lot of the food, but it’s my kitchen that is going to get wrecked, and even before that I have to make sure the house is cleaned and all the laundry is done, plus I have to work Mon, Tues, and Wednesday, so it’s not like I’ll have a ton of time to get it all done. Why can’t the holidays be easy? Why does it have to be so much trouble? I think one of the reasons I’m so stressed about this is because it’s my husband’s family that is coming. My parents might come, but it’s doubtful, so I think that kind of takes the fun factor out of it for me. Entertaining Shawn’s family is very different from entertaining my family.

I’m so sorry I’m complaining and whining. I just really needed to vent and get this out and off my chest.  I don’t want my bad attitude to taint the holidays, so unfortunately for those of you who chose to read my blog today, my bad attitude gets to taint you.  😦  I promise I’ll make it up with a funny post sometime soon!