Expert Advice *eyeroll*

Have you guys seen this yet? Because this is exactly how I feel about “diet experts” right now. I’m so done with the BS. Just so done.

Authored by James Heathers

Grains should be at the centre of your diet.

Grains are literally poisonous.

Butter is terrible. Butter is OK. Butter should be encouraged. Butter should be in your coffee!

Protein is bad for your kidneys. Protein is essential at every meal. Protein is overrated. You only need 0.8g per lb. Or 1g per lb. Or 2.5g/lb. Or 30% of your daily intake. Or it’ll kill you. It’ll eat your bones, and acidify your blood. Buy a scale. Buy two.

Milk isn’t natural. Milk isn’t wholesome. Milk is part of a balanced diet. Raw milk is part of a balanced diet. You need it when you’re pregnant. Just don’t let it near your children!

Salt is a vital nutrient. Salt will raise your blood pressure and hospitalise you.

Legumes are hard to digest, avoid them. Or eat a lot of them, they’re high in fibre and protein. Whole countries run on legumes! If only they knew about the lectins, poor fools…

Eat nothing but vegetables. Eat mostly plants. But don’t get too many carbs – only eat the low-carb non-starchy vegetables. Eat all the vegetables which aren’t potatoes. Eat only the cruciferous vegetables. And, uh, yams.

Sugar is addictive. Sugar is a harmless foodstuff. Sugar is fine in moderation. Fruit has sugar – good! Or is it bad? Watch out for pesticides.

Moderate drinkers outlive teetotallers. Alcohol will ruin your fat-loss goals. Everything except grape-based liquors aren’t paleo. Beer is the devil.

Gluten literally causes rising sea levels, bad network programming, and is partially responsible for the ongoing success and irritating longevity of Donald Trump.

(OK, that one is made up.)

And while we’re at it: being fat is desirable, being thin is unhealthy, did you know that studies prove skinny people die sooner, being fat is a moral failing, being fat is ugly, being fat is society’s mistake, thinness is a slippery slope to anorexia, people have no control over whether or not they’re fat, strong is the new sexy, it is both easier than you ever imagined and literally impossible to lose weight, obesity is largely the province of people living in bad environments, ‘nothing tastes as good at thin feels’, obesity is caused by the influence of major corporations in the food supply, restrictive diets are the only way, restrictive diets are behavioural training for eating disorders…

Oh, and the following things are poisonous: GMO foods, ‘toxins’, anything your grandmother couldn’t pronounce, non-biodynamic produce, feedlot-raised meat, farmed fish (nutrients!), wild fish (mercury!), ALL meat, ALL grain and grain-based products, ANYTHING that comes in a packet, ANYTHING made by a company, ANYTHING that is ‘processed’, and ANYTHING that is bad food, unclean, sinful, naughty, a guilty pleasure, “no-nos”, a wicked treat, or a ‘cheat’ meal.

Instead, eat clean, eat natural, eat real, eat 1, 2, 3, 4, 6 and 10 meals a day, buy organic, eat healthy, eat traditional, eat slow, embrace tradition, try new things, chew your foods, get liquid calories, prepare meals from whole foods only, shop at farmer’s markets, eat local, eat aware, eat in not out, and eat in moderation.

Try all this for 24 hours, 5 days, 2 weeks, 8 weeks, until summer, until June 21st, after January 1st, and all-year round. Be vigilant, be huge, be lean, be slim, be fabulous, be ‘Red Carpet’, be successful, be massive, be jacked, be ripped, be cut, be sliced, be back to your pre-baby weight, and AT NO POINT IN TIME SHOULD YOU FORGET TO BE CONFUSED AND AFRAID.

NOW, BUY OUR SHIT.

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “Expert Advice *eyeroll*

  1. I hear you! I think it is particularly confusing for anyone trying to quit what they’ve been doing and find something more helpful to do, what with these constant ads for this, that and the other thing popping up on their screens. Seriously, someone just hoping to get healthy better have a good deal of determination if they want to keep up with all the junk thrown at them as they research diet alternatives. Wish it were easier to find a sane solution, but its not. Ugh.

  2. “I belee belee belee that’s all folks!”

    Brilliant, Jill!

    My mom was just diagnosed with osteoporosis. When I researched it and what foods are most beneficial, there were several conflicting advice.

  3. I think this is funny. I found flexible dieting to work best for me. I watch calories and macros – carbs, protein and fat. This is a great balance health wise. Getting used to it was a challenge at first, but I really got a sense of what different foods contained and how they affected my macros. Calories has been most important. When I read about other trends, I take it into consideration, but I don’t let it drive me crazy. Some people prefer low to no carb and do really well, but I don’t do well with that because it makes my brain foggy. I think it’s knowing what works well for you and laughing at the changes in trends as we travel this journey.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s