A few weeks ago I made a goal for myself that I would be out of the 190s by the end of April. Early last week I weighed in at 191.3 – I was giddy thinking “I can do this!!” Well this morning I find myself still firmly entrenched in the 190s – 193.5 to be exact. I believe my exact words were “WHAT THE HELL?!” when I saw that number come up on the scale. I was sure I would see a loss today. 

We went out to dinner last night for my daughter’s birthday and I had a house salad with balsamic vinaigrette, then grilled shrimp and steamed broccoli for my entree. I did have one small yeast roll towards the end of my meal – hey, I’m proud that I held off for that long. I’m sure that the weekend’s activities and last night’s restaurant fare are partly to blame for the gain, but I am still frustrated. 

I’m frustrated because my body gives me no wiggle room when it comes to losing weight. I feel like I have to be 100% spot-on perfect in my diet and exercise in order to show a loss. That’s why it takes me so long to lose weight, because I cannot be that perfect every day. I can do it for a few days, but then something happens that causes me to go off course I choose, for whatever reason, to go off course. Sometimes it’s the “I deserve it” effect: I’ve been good for 4 days so I deserve a little bit of dessert. Most of the time though it’s not so much that I think I deserve it, but I think to myself things like “it’s okay if I eat ABC because I ran 3 miles this morning” or “It’s okay if I eat XYZ because I had a salad for lunch” or “I lost 1.5 pounds this week and obviously I’m on a losing streak, so it’s okay if I eat LMNOP and a little bit of QRSTUV as well.” It’s not so much I deserve this as it is I can get away with this.

*sigh* 

Sometimes I feel like losing weight isn’t really about losing pounds of fat, it’s about looking inside yourself and realizing what a nut job you really are. 

I know logically the number on the scale is only one small teeny part of the big picture, and I know I’ve made leaps and bounds in my progress in other areas. I know this. I do. And I know also that I just need to keep plugging away and staying connected to my plan because it IS working, my body just enjoys taking the slow and steady route and I need to make peace with that. 

Please understand I’m just venting here. I think the weekend was a little too much for me and I’m still tired. I am pleased with the weight that I’ve lost so far and I know I’ll continue to lose. I also know that my weight pattern tends to go in a crazy zigzag and that my weight is usually up after the weekend, and I’ll buckle down and be perfect for a few days and the number will drop even lower. Two steps forward, one step back is still forward progress.

I just wish this cha-cha I’m doing would move a little bit faster. :/