So I went to Homecoming. I went and I sucked it up and tried to forget that I am no longer 22 years old with a world of possibilities open to me. I tried to forget that I am now 42 and have obligations and responsibilities and lots of other things that demand my attention. I re-experienced things that I haven’t experienced for 20 years and what I learned was this:
Good gravy, I am out of shape.
I lived just a few blocks from the pizza place where I worked and thought that making that little trek from my old apartment to the restaurant would be no big deal.
Holy Aching Feet Batman, that walk was a lot shorter 20 years ago!!
I think I walked more on Friday and Saturday than I have walked all year! My Fitbit read over 8000 steps on Friday and over 12,000 on Saturday. That’s a lot of walking for me!! It was a lot of fun tripping down memory lane though.
So how did I do emotionally? Well, I put on my game-face and just tried to enjoy the people I was with, which I did, but honestly, I felt like a cow the whole time. We stayed with a friend of my husband’s and the friend’s girlfriend spent a lot of time with us. She is really sweet and funny and very nice – I really like her a lot. She’s also very thin and very beautiful and I felt like a troll next to her. So that was fun. And then my bff that I got to see, well she’s always been a bit of a fashionista. Her hair and makeup are usually flawless and her clothes are always cute and classic. Next to those two, I felt like that plastic bag that Katy Perry talks about in her Firework song. I felt disheveled and matronly and thanks to my overzealous use of conditioner, my hair was behaving in insane and ridiculous ways. I tried not to think about how…inadequate I felt, but it hovered near the surface all weekend. I didn’t let it ruin my good time, but I’ll admit it I had to work extra hard to keep the feelings under wrap.
So yes I’m glad that I went and got to spend time with old friends and new friends. I’m done with regret though – I refuse to have another opportunity like this where I don’t feel great about myself, and if that means I have to work hard on my brain as well as my body, then that’s what I’m going to do.
No more regret. I’m done.