Going to homecoming

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Hi guys!

Thanks for the nice responses to my Dear Body Letter. I really waffled on whether or not to post it, but in the end I’m so glad I did. 🙂

So I’m trying to be nice to my body now and let me tell you, it’s a learning experience. For instance, I learned that my body does not tolerate Lucky Charms very well. For some odd reason last night, right before bedtime, I decided that a small bowl of Lucky Charms would be a good idea.

It was not a good idea. 

I never eat right before bed, and even my husband asked me what I was doing when I crawled into bed with my bowl, and I told him, “the marshmallows were calling to me”. He just shrugged and went back to watching the news. I ate my sugar bombs Lucky Charms, took my bowl back to the kitchen, and went to bed. (Weight problem? I don’t have any clue why I could possible have a weight problem! *sarcasm font*) This morning I woke up with a brick sitting in the middle of my stomach. Ugh. Not a good feeling. Lesson learned – kids cereal is not for 42 year old moms. Duly noted. 

But that charming story (pun totally and completely intended) is not why I called you all here today (actually I didn’t call any of you here, you just showed up, unless you get my post in your email, in which case, thanks for the follow!) because I need to work through something and I figure my blog is a good place to do it. 

So here’s the dealio: I’m going to my Alma mater’s homecoming this weekend and I am SUPREMELY excited…except that I’m also a little nervous. I’m excited that I’m going to see my old college roommate/bff and we’ll get to revisit some of our old stomping grounds (and believe me, we stomped a lot of ground back in the day), but I’m also feeling a lot of regret/shame/guilt that I’m going back there weighing almost 60 pounds more than the last time I lived there. I so wish that I could go back and feel great in my body and be proud of my figure, but I know there will be a shadow of remorse following me around all weekend.

On one hand, logically, I know that I’m not the only person to gain a bunch of weight in the last 20 years and there will be plenty of other folks packing some spare tires this weekend and that shouldn’t stop me from laughing out loud and having a good time and appreciating the people I’ll be with. But on the other hand, emotionally, I just want to hide my body and blend into the background and hope no one notices me. I’m terribly conflicted. 

I worked at a great little pizza place for 4 years in college and I salivate just thinking about the handmade pizza there, but part of me is screaming on the inside to “JUST STAY AWAY” for fear that I might run into some old college friends – who knew me at 130 pounds and would be mortified to see me at the almost 200 pounds I am today. But I really want to go back to this old place and stroll down memory lane and show my kids that yes, I actually had a life before they arrived. 

I keep telling myself that I can’t lose 60 pounds in 3 days and to just suck it up and deal with it and go and have a great time – spare tires, saddle bags, and wrinkles be damned! I mean, honestly, this is what is going to happen anyway, so I should just quit worrying about it, right? I’m really trying to pep-talk myself into just focusing on having fun and enjoying myself and not obsessing over what could have been (I could have been 130 pounds now if I hadn’t let myself go 16 years ago). 

Not going is not an option. We’ve paid for tickets, made arrangements, and like I said, I am SUPER EXCITED to go and see my friends. So I should probably just forget about all the shame and guilt and just realize that I am who I am and this is how I look and THAT’S OKAY.

Right? 

*sigh* Easier said than done. But I’m working on it. 

 

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6 thoughts on “Going to homecoming

  1. I have two responses to your post. First, my high school does an annual Picnic in the Park all class reunion each year. I looked at the pictures posted on FB afterward and the majority of my class (the ones who showed up, anyway) were very overweight. Unrecognizable to me until I saw the names linked to the faces. But they went, size be damned, and I bet they had a good time.

    My second response is more grim, but what if something happened and you couldn’t ever go back there…wouldn’t you regret missing out on the familiar sights and haunts? Don’t let your size stop you from enjoying life.

    I hope you have a wonderful, un-self-conscious time at the homecoming!

  2. Wow, Shelley’s got me beat in the wisdom dept! I think I usually had the thought that I looked younger or prettier than most of my peers. I don’t know if that’s the very best way to look at life, but it worked for me. And I know for sure that that is true for you too! Go eat great pizza and have a great time!!

  3. Wait, there is a cereal with marshmallows in it? I would say that isn’t for children, either.

    Have a great time at your reunion! I didn’t go to my 20 year reunion mainly because partner’s weren’t invited and my trophy husband is the only thing I’ve got going for me …

  4. Hanka from Poland

    You are who you are – maybe overweight, maybe there are more wrinkles on your face but you`re the Mother, Wife and a wondersful Woman so go ahead and enjoy! Others changed as well – just have fun and let us know how it went 🙂

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