Hey Kids!! How’s it going?
I haven’t blogged in a while because I’m going through a bit of weight loss schizophrenia lately and I’m not sure which direction I’m going or where I’ll end up.
For the first part of the summer I did really well and felt like I had a handle on things. Work outs and nutrition were coming together nicely and all was well with the world. For the last 2-3 weeks however, I’ve felt off-keel and have been having trouble getting enough traction to move forward. In the middle of June, I weighed 189.8 and on Monday I weighed 191.4 – I have danced along the edge of these two decades for so long I’m pretty sure there are permanent footprints on the border.
When I weighed in on Monday and saw that I was, once again, above 191, I had a meltdown. Thankfully my husband sensed my mood (after I bit his head off, because he’s intuitive like that) and we had a good talk that morning and then again later that night about what was bothering me. I told him that I was frustrated with how little wiggle room my body gives me – I have to fight so hard for even the smallest loss – and that it just seemed like the number on the scale wasn’t going in the direction I wanted it to. At one point in the conversation I said “maybe I need to just quit worrying about the number on the scale” and he said a hearty “YES! YOU DO!”. He said I worry too much about that number and it doesn’t help me at all. He knows that I want to get down to 140 or heck, even 150, but he very kindly said “you don’t have to weigh 140 to be sexy, honey”. He truly does not care what I weigh – he only cares that I’m taking care of myself and he wishes I would be kinder to myself and give myself a break.
Oh how I wish those same things for myself!!
In discussing all this with a friend yesterday, I realized that I put off a lot of things until Future Thin Me can enjoy them. Here’s part of what I emailed to Fabulous Friend yesterday:
I think that I tend to live for the future. I keep looking toward the future when I’m thin and thinking “okay when I’m thin, then I can xyz.” Xyz = get a massage, get a mani/pedi, go shopping, start running again, buy a cute nightgown, go to yoga again, etc etc etc. I’ve been putting off a lot of things that I would like to do because I think I’ll do those things when I’m thin, but dammit why am I waiting? It’s almost like I’m punishing myself by holding out on the things I really like to do until I deserve them again (i.e. lose weight). I don’t want to do that anymore, I want to do those things now and I need to learn and believe that I do deserve them EVEN AT THIS WEIGHT.
So in order to help move myself in a forward direction with this, I’m going to limit my weigh ins to once a month. I need a break from the scale. I need to live as if I believe I am not flawed at this weight. My worth as a wife, a friend, a mom, a HUMAN BEING, is not tied to a number on the scale or a size on a tag. I’m trying to wrap my brain around this and really believe it, but I think it’s going to take time.
I did however, decide yesterday to go shopping for things that FIT. I walked out with 4 new tops that came from (gasp!) the Plus Size department because even though I’m right between the edges of regular and plus sizes, the particular tops I tried on fit better in plus size. They are super cute, super comfortable and make me feel just a teensy bit sassy (I’d take pics and show you, but my stupid stupid stupid obsolete and ancient dumbphone’s camera is messing up – I really need to jump into 2009 and get a smartphone, I know). So that’s my way of dipping my toe into the waters of Self Acceptance. It’s a small step, but hey I’ll take it.
So my focus for the rest of the summer will be to Accept That I Am Not Flawed At This Weight. That’s my late summer project. What’s weird is that I have plenty of people (okay, there’s actually 4 people, but still) telling me that I am fantastic, but for some reason I’ve chosen not to believe it. I’d like to believe it. I’m going to work on believing it because I don’t think these people would say it if they didn’t mean it, right?
I’m pretty sure I’ve headed down this path before, but I don’t think I’ve ever been this honest or clear with myself. I mean, I’m slowly getting it – just how messed up my thinking is in relation to my weight, and I’m taking steps to counteract the effects of that.
So can you see why I’m feeling a bit o’ schizo lately? I do well, then I don’t do well, then I do well-er (I made up a word!) and then I have a meltdown. Maybe one day when I’m a grown up, all of this will make sense. But I doubt it.