Deserving

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Hey Kids!! How’s it going? 

I haven’t blogged in a while because I’m going through a bit of weight loss schizophrenia lately and I’m not sure which direction I’m going or where I’ll end up. 

For the first part of the summer I did really well and felt like I had a handle on things. Work outs and nutrition were coming together nicely and all was well with the world. For the last 2-3 weeks however, I’ve felt off-keel and have been having trouble getting enough traction to move forward. In the middle of June, I weighed 189.8 and on Monday I weighed 191.4 – I have danced along the edge of these two decades for so long I’m pretty sure there are permanent footprints on the border. 

When I weighed in on Monday and saw that I was, once again, above 191, I had a meltdown. Thankfully my husband sensed my mood (after I bit his head off, because he’s intuitive like that) and we had a good talk that morning and then again later that night about what was bothering me. I told him that I was frustrated with how little wiggle room my body gives me – I have to fight so hard for even the smallest loss – and that it just seemed like the number on the scale wasn’t going in the direction I wanted it to. At one point in the  conversation I said “maybe I need to just quit worrying about  the number on the scale” and he said a hearty “YES! YOU DO!”. He said I worry too much about that number and it doesn’t help me at all. He knows that I want to get down to 140 or heck, even 150, but he very kindly said “you don’t have to weigh 140 to be sexy, honey”. He truly does not care what I weigh – he only cares that I’m taking care of myself and he wishes I would be kinder to myself and give myself a break. 

Oh how I wish those same things for myself!! 

In discussing all this with a friend yesterday, I realized that I put off a lot of things until Future Thin Me can enjoy them. Here’s part of what I emailed to Fabulous Friend yesterday:

I think that I tend to live for the future. I keep looking toward the future when I’m thin and thinking “okay when I’m thin, then I can xyz.” Xyz = get a massage, get a mani/pedi, go shopping, start running again, buy a cute nightgown, go to yoga again, etc etc etc. I’ve been putting off a lot of things that I would like to do because I think I’ll do those things when I’m thin, but dammit why am I waiting? It’s almost like I’m punishing myself by holding out on the things I really like to do until I deserve them again (i.e. lose weight). I don’t want to do that anymore, I want to do those things now and I need to learn and believe that I do deserve them EVEN AT THIS WEIGHT. 

So in order to help move myself in a forward direction with this, I’m going to limit my weigh ins to once a month. I need a break from the scale. I need to live as if I believe I am not flawed at this weight. My worth as a wife, a friend, a mom, a HUMAN BEING, is not tied to a number on the scale or a size on a tag. I’m trying to wrap my brain around this and really believe it, but I think it’s going to take time. 

I did however, decide yesterday to go shopping for things that FIT. I walked out with 4 new tops that came from (gasp!) the Plus Size department because even though I’m right between the edges of regular and plus sizes, the particular tops I tried on fit better in plus size. They are super cute, super comfortable and make me feel just a teensy bit sassy (I’d take pics and show you, but my stupid stupid stupid obsolete and ancient dumbphone’s camera is messing up – I really need to jump into 2009 and get a smartphone, I know). So that’s my way of dipping my toe into the waters of Self Acceptance. It’s a small step, but hey I’ll take it. 

So my focus for the rest of the summer will be to Accept That I Am Not Flawed At This Weight. That’s my late summer project. What’s weird is that I have plenty of people (okay, there’s actually 4 people, but still) telling me that I am fantastic, but for some reason I’ve chosen not to believe it. I’d like to believe it. I’m going to work on believing it because I don’t think these people would say it if they didn’t mean it, right? 

I’m pretty sure I’ve headed down this path before, but I don’t think I’ve ever been this honest or clear with myself. I mean, I’m slowly getting it – just how messed up my thinking is in relation to my weight, and I’m taking steps to counteract the effects of that. 

So can you see why I’m feeling a bit o’ schizo lately? I do well, then I don’t do well, then I do well-er (I made up a word!) and then I have a meltdown. Maybe one day when I’m a grown up, all of this will make sense. But I doubt it. 

 

 

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12 thoughts on “Deserving

  1. Jacquelyn

    I am doing exactly the same thing you are, I am on the 170 border for the last year and kept insisting on wearing the things that fit me at 160 and 155. Finally I bought some new work clothes and a pair of jeans in a larger size. I feel so much more comfy and not like a sasuage. I am still really trying hard to make the right choices during the day but I am trying to realize my weight doesn’t define me. I feel the same at 190 and 140, I am the same person. same fears same insecurities same joys…. I just want to be in better health and hopfully those choices will lead me to some weight loss.

    • Yeah, why is it so hard to grasp that our weight does not define us??? It sounds like the silliest thing in the world, but I know a lot of us suffer with it. Good on you for buying new clothes!! Don’t stop there, keep going!! 🙂

  2. Kyra

    I kinda had a conversation with my husband about this last night, and he said to me “Hey, that’s a good idea – maybe taking some things away will motivate you…” *sigh* I may need to move to the islands sooner than I thought.

    But you, my dear, are FabUUUUUlous! 🙂

  3. I really think you’re onto something here… When I was at my highest of 209, I tried really hard to remember that I was still the same nice, wonderful, funny person I was at a normal weight. I bought cute clothes that fit (even if they were size 20). I didn’t stay home, didn’t shy away from massages, get-togethers, etc. Actively pursuing things that made me happy made it much easier to make healthier eating choices. Somehow, I felt I was worth the effort because I was enjoying life and being myself… I am having a battle with the scale lately, and I, too, feel like I have very little wiggle room. I’ve had rough patches before, and I’m hoping this one passes soon. Until then, I’m still going to do what I want!

  4. debby

    “be kinder to myself and give myself a break. “–yes to that. And yes to buying clothes that fit. I pay no attention whatsoever to American sizing, I just buy things that look right to me and make me feel comfortable. Since I buy some stuff at the thrift stores, you can see that the sizes that they choose to label stuff with has changed throughout the years. In other words, I literally have clothes that I am currently wearing that are labeled small to extra large. Just try to be healthy. That’s the very best thing you can do for yourself and your family.

  5. When I finally decided to buy myself an entire wardrobe that fit – not just A pair of capris and a couple shirts, but everything, it was such a turnaround. I felt better about myself when I’d get dressed in the morning. I spent a year in those clothes before I finally decided to get serious about losing weight, and I wonder if just the fact that I felt better helped give me the inner strength to feel ready to diet? Any case, you are so right…you are not flawed, and you should not wait. Life moves on and who knows what is going to happen?

  6. I used to wonder about this clothes topic as it related to women on What Not To Wear. I wondered if the new hair style, well chosen clothes, attention then resulted in weight loss over the next few years. I can remember one woman (black tuxedo and I think she might have been a clogger) who did lose a great deal of weight after the show. She was back for a reunion show and the black tux was sliding off her, way too big.

    Honestly, I would have been the woman saying – you are going to spend $5000 on clothes for me? Give me a year to get the weight off and then I will be back for the new clothes.

    One thing to buy a few things. Another thing to spend $5000. I am not sure they ever had a show where someone said that.

  7. I love this as it was, for me, only when I became brutally honest with myself about the hard stuff that life shifted.
    is shifting? 🙂

  8. Great post. I think society has us constantly obsessing about our weight and subconsciously we define ourselves by a number on a scale. But no matter what it says, it should be about how you feel about yourself at the end of the day. At 120 lbs or 200 lbs, we are still the same person.

  9. We may still be the same person but that doesn’t mean we should stop going.You seem to be taking it in your stride Jill.I would advise not to obsess over it and just enjoy it every minute of the way-the not-so-promising attempts I mean.

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