I want to be the kind of woman who…

…can look at the perfectly formed mound of buttercream frosting sitting atop a spongy cupcake and not be deeply and emotionally affected by it. 

…wakes up at 5:00 a.m. with sleepy determination to kick out an intensely sweaty but fulfilling workout six days a week and looks forward to it as much as she looks forward to her morning coffee. 

…stocks her fridge with heaping mounds of produce and uses it all before it goes bad.

…is satisfied with eating simple meals over and over again.

…can’t help checking the size of her guns in the reflection of every window she passes by. 

…can go into a restaurant and order the healthiest thing on the menu so that she won’t be in a carb coma for the next 4 days.

…is tight and toned and healthy and relatively happy and somewhat stable in her moods. 

…someone who gets off and STAYS OFF this damned roller coaster known as “losing weight”. 

I’m tired of the fight y’all. I’m tired of trying to do things my way and wondering why I can’t lose weight. I’m tired of being my own worst enemy. I thought that Weight Watchers would help me set some boundaries with food, but I just wonder if I don’t need tighter boundaries. It’s something I’m trying to figure out and when I do, I’ll let you know. 



11 thoughts on “I want to be the kind of woman who…

  1. I am my own worst enemy, too. Was it Wednesday or Thursday… anyway, it was almost 12 when I realized I didn’t drink any water, yet. I thought, “Do I even bother texting Jill? I suck.” Water. Something that helps me so much slips my mind (unless, of course, it has ground coffee beans brewed through it).

  2. I agree with all your aspirations, except to be happy with the same simple meals over and over. Why is that a good thing? Healthy food doesn’t have to be boring! (Says someone who is still 20kg overweight so don’t listen to me.) Cover everything with herbs and spices. Especially chilli flakes.

    I tried WW too, and failed with it. I’ve been reading some other bloggers talk about being a moderator (someone who can just eat a couple of chips/fries and then stop) and an abstainer (someone who needs to give up something entirely). I’ve always tried to be a moderator, but I’ve actually found it much easier to say “I am not eating __ at the moment”. It takes away having to make that decision every single time.

  3. It is actually my own quote, but it was where my mind went as I read :
    “The hardest things we all have to do is get ourselves going and then get out of our own way. . .”

  4. I am feeling very similar to the way you are. on a whim, i bought a ticket to see Jillian Michaels on May 21. I am hoping this leads me to some type of a breakthrough or at least a renewed sense of hope.

    Know you aren’t alone in the battle…the mental battle is the hardest battle by far.

  5. Yep – some days it does all feel too hard. Life shouldn’t feel hard so it might be time to try something else? I’m also an abstainer (like Natalie) so I had to find a healthy way of managing my weight that fitted in with this particular aspect of my personality. It’s definitely easier for me now.

  6. I don’t know why but your post made me think of the Proverbs 31 woman. That woman? She’s perfect. She’s not real. She’s an ideal.

    I think the woman you describe is an ideal, too. Both the proverbs 31 woman and your ideal woman are something to STRIVE for. We’ll never be perfect, but we can strive to be the best we can be. You can do that. You don’t have to be perfect while working toward the ideal woman you want to be.

    “Shoot for the moon, and if you miss, you’ll still be among the stars.”


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