So…last night at bedtime, I had a conversation with my husband and the gist of it was this: I’m either in a bad mood or complaining all the time lately and it’s starting to affect my family. The words “we don’t talk anymore” and “going through the motions” were uttered and can I just tell you that it nearly killed me to hear that? Because usually when you hear those words, the next words are “I’m having an affair” or ” I think we need some time apart” – and no, those weren’t the next words in the conversation, but I realize that it could happen. After a conversation like that who can sleep? Apparently my husband can because it wasn’t long before I heard him sawing logs ever so softly. I, on the other hand, stared at the ceiling for an hour before I finally got up and went into the only room in the house where I could turn on the lights and think: the bathroom.
I sat sideways on the toilet seat with my back leaning against the sink and my feet propped up on the bathtub (it’s a small bathroom, obviously) and picked up a paintbrush (I have kids, there are always strange things in the bathroom) and brushed out a pattern in the fleece of my robe. And then I cried. I cried because I can’t get a handle on this by myself. I cried because I feel like everything is my fault. I cried because I haven’t cried in a really long time and I needed it. After my cry, I washed my face and sat on my comfy crying spot for another hour and did some thinking.
I couldn’t decide if I needed to see my gynecologist or a therapist. I know a lot of my problems are hormonal, but I also believe that I need to talk some stuff out. So who would help me the most – gyno or therapist?
I decided both.
My company offers a counseling benefit, so I called and talked with someone this morning who is going to find a therapist in my town and do an assessment. I will get the first few sessions for free, then if it seems like I need more help, they’ll go through my insurance. I should get a call back this morning from the counselor I talked with on the phone and she will get me an appointment early next week.
I also called my gynecologists office and set up an appointment for Dec 5th to talk about my hormone issues.
I’ve been thinking for a long time that I can handle this by myself, but I am just tired of it. I can’t do it alone and I don’t want to anymore. I need help and I’m getting it for myself.
I don’t have any naive ideas that this is going to be my cure-all, but it’s a very big thing for me to take this step. I come from a family whose unspoken motto was “God helps those who help themselves” so for me to reach out and get professional help is a big leap. I’m putting all this out here on the blog because I know there are other women out there who are in the same position I’m in and if I can make it okay to get help, maybe that will make it okay for someone else to get help too.
So that’s where I am right now. I feel like this is the first small step to getting back to normal. I miss normal…instead of a home, normal feels like a vacation spot that I only get to visit once in a while. I’m ready to go home.