Crying in the bathroom at midnight

So…last night at bedtime, I had a conversation with my husband and the gist of it was this: I’m either in a bad mood or complaining all the time lately and it’s starting to affect my family. The words “we don’t talk anymore” and “going through the motions” were uttered and can I just tell you that it nearly killed me to hear that? Because usually when you hear those words, the next words are “I’m having an affair” or ” I think we need some time apart” – and no, those weren’t the next words in the conversation, but I realize that it could happen. After a conversation like that who can sleep? Apparently my husband can because it wasn’t long before I heard him sawing logs ever so softly. I, on the other hand, stared at the ceiling for an hour before I finally got up and went into the only room in the house where I could turn on the lights and think: the bathroom.

I sat sideways on the toilet seat with my back leaning against the sink and my feet propped up on the bathtub (it’s a small bathroom, obviously) and picked up a paintbrush (I have kids, there are always strange things in the bathroom) and brushed out a pattern in the fleece of my robe. And then I cried. I cried because I can’t get a handle on this by myself. I cried because I feel like everything is my fault. I cried because I haven’t cried in a really long time and I needed it. After my cry, I washed my face and sat on my comfy crying spot for another hour and did some thinking.

I couldn’t decide if I needed to see my gynecologist or a therapist. I know a lot of my problems are hormonal, but I also believe that I need to talk some stuff out. So who would help me the most – gyno or therapist?

I decided both.

My company offers a counseling benefit, so I called and talked with someone this morning who is going to find a therapist in my town and do an assessment. I will get the first few sessions for free, then if it seems like I need more help, they’ll go through my insurance. I should get a call back this morning from the counselor I talked with on the phone and she will get me an appointment early next week.

I also called my gynecologists office and set up an appointment for Dec 5th to talk about my hormone issues.

I’ve been thinking for a long time that I can handle this by myself, but I am just tired of it. I can’t do it alone and I don’t want to anymore.  I need help and I’m getting it for myself.

I don’t have any naive ideas that this is going to be my cure-all, but it’s a very big thing for me to take this step. I come from a family whose unspoken motto was “God helps those who help themselves” so for me to reach out and get professional help is a big leap. I’m putting all this out here on the blog because I know there are other women out there who are in the same position I’m in and if I can make it okay to get help, maybe that will make it okay for someone else to get help too.

So that’s where I am right now.  I feel like this is the first small step to getting back to normal. I miss normal…instead of a home, normal feels like a vacation spot that I only get to visit once in a while. I’m ready to go home.


16 thoughts on “Crying in the bathroom at midnight

  1. I am excited for you. You know that ONE therapy appt. I had (also through work) was amazingly helpful! I still think about what I learned that day.

    And I’m happy you don’t have to wait too long to see the gyno.

    Pretend you’re on vacation and have a happy Thanksgiving Jill!

  2. I send you good luck and best wishes vibes. It’s a huge deal to take that first step and you should be proud of yourself for no only doing that, but posting about it here to help others.

  3. Big hugs, Jill. I’m glad you are reaching out for help – what a kind thing to do for yourself, and in turn, your family. I hope you’ll be feeling better very soon.

  4. I really feel for you. I went through a hard time last year at christmas. I researched a lot of articles on stress, that helped somewhat. Take care of yourself. I’ll be thinking of you.

  5. “After a conversation like that who can sleep? Apparently my husband can because it wasn’t long before I heard him sawing logs ever so softly. ” — Ouch. At least you got to hear him sleep. Danny and I got into an argument two days ago (over my COMPLAINING about going to church), and I slept in another room. (And now he’s gone on a 5 day trip).

    I’m proud of you for getting help. You (and your posts) have been my therapist. LOL

    I hope Thanksgiving is full of blessings for you!

  6. My therapist and I, just this morning, were talking about how far I have come since 2007 when I started with her. And honestly, my most important work has been in the last year and a half.

    The difference it has made for me is huge. The difference it has made for my family makes me feel overwhelmed with thankfulness on a regular basis.

    A word – I think if anyone is considering psych type meds, like for depression or balancing out, they should only be prescribed thru a psychiatrist. And my psychiatrist has always cautioned me not to let a gyn put me on any meds without going thru him.

  7. You are right…there are many people here that understanding how devastating these feelings are and how hard it can be to admit you need help (and seek it out). A big hug from all of us here and peace in the near future.

  8. (((hug))) Asking for & getting help is really hard for me, too. You are so brave! I hope everything goes well and that you are feeling better soon.

  9. So inspirational to read this! I feel like I was going through a similar situation with complaining all the time or just always being negative, after days, weeks or even months of putting up with these feelings, having a good, hard cry always seems to help. Really does release some of those negative feelings! Hope you are feeling better!! I love reading your posts!

  10. Thank you for sharing this, Jill. I can fully relate. Sometimes, I will go through those same seasons of overwhelming oceans of emotions. I think that’s so great that you are seeking help. I am actually making a visit to my gynecologist soon. Being a woman is difficult, and some of us need extra help, and that’s a wonderful thing. I’m thankful that there are blogs, information, and other means of support out there to encourage and inform women about normal emotional issues that we all deal with!

  11. How are you doing? (Every time I click over and see that title, I picture you still in the bathroom, still crying.) How did the holidays go? Did you schedule your therapy appt?

  12. This is a tough decision, but it’s good you made it. Sometimes one can’t handle everything on their own, and their is no shame in seeking help.

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