I think I have a personality disorder. There seems to be 2 distinct personalities trying to share rent space in my brain. Personality #1 can best be described as very confident and satisfied with her life, usually wears skirts and jewelry, and just generally doesn’t give a flying fig what anyone else thinks of her. I like to call this personality Sasha as she tends to sashay when she walks. Personality #2 is a bit different. She’s moody and obsessed about the size of her butt. She tends to wear jeans and ill-fitting shirts and putting on makeup feels like a huge chore to her. She wants more than anything in life to lose weight and feel comfortable in her skin. We’ll call her Wanda since she tends to wander through life, never feeling satisfied with anything. And then there’s me, stuck in the middle, so I guess you could say there are 3 personalities. Schizophrenia, anyone?

It’s a coin toss as to when either personality might show up. I don’t know who’s going to be the dominant personality from day to day, but my first inkling usually happens in the closet. If I feel like wearing a skirt and dressing appropriately for work, then that’s a pretty good sign that Sasha is gearing up for an appearance.  Sasha has thoughts like, “if only I had a different belt, this outfit would be complete!” or “which earrings would best complement these colors?”. She also can’t understand why Wanda still hangs on to her ratty sweatshirts and those stupid jeans that haven’t fit in 4 years. Sasha lives in the moment and wonders why I work so hard to lose weight when clearly, she and I have got it going on: we have a husband who loves us no matter what we weigh, we have great kids, we have a home, jobs, great friends…what more could a person want in life? Really, all this weight loss stuff is a waste of brain-power. Sasha is totally and completely okay with everything just as it is.

Oh but poor Wanda! Wanda stands in the closet and tries to hold back the tears as she searches for just one pair of pants that don’t accentuate her bulging thighs, her poochy tummy, her larger-than-life derriere…why even bother getting dressed at all? Her favorite outfit is a pair of yoga pants and a really big t shirt. Wanda knows she needs to do better on her diet and she really needs to start working out EVERY DAY, maybe even adding in some extra workouts on the weekends, if that’s what it takes. She declares war on her fat every time she looks in the mirror and if she thinks about it hard enough, she realizes that her whole entire life is a chaotic mess. Her house is always cluttered, her husband spends way too much time on his hobbies (obviously because she is so boring), and her kids don’t seem to realize that the milk will actually solidify if left in a cup on the coffee table for long periods of time. She hates her stupid job and she never has time for friends…she feels like she is failing at life. When Wanda gets frustrated with herself, she tends to snap at her husband and kids, which then makes her feel guilty, which then sends her to the fridge…*sigh*. Why does everything have to be so hard???

So you can see how difficult it is to be stuck in the middle of these two very different beings! It makes it hard to be consistent with eating right because Sasha embraces tasty foods of all varieties, and Wanda feels guilty if she eats anything with sugar.  Sasha loves to take on the challenge of running, but Wanda sees it as a means of punishment for dietary sins. Sasha’s life motto is “It’s all good” but Wanda’s tends to be “It’s never enough”.

There’s got to be a way we can all live in harmony together. Surely there’s a way to harness Sasha’s “life is good” with Wanda’s “we can do better” and turn it into “Let’s do this, with flair!”, I just haven’t figured out a way to make it work consistently from day to day. I may just have to manage them like I do my kids – embrace their strengths, overlook their weaknesses, and tell them “because I said so!” when it seems necessary. I guess I have to be a mom to myself too.

So I need a motto that will embrace all parts of me and that will allow me to be consistent and satisfied with my weight loss and body image. I need for Sasha and Wanda to get together and become one awesome individual so that Jill can reign supreme. That’s not too much to ask, is it? 🙂