Yesterday I saw a picture of the Zumbathon that I just did Saturday and I looked for myself in the background.

I found myself.


Guys, I was honestly shocked when I saw it. I mean, I know I’m overweight. I know I need to lose weight. What I did not know apparently, is that I. AM. F A T.

In the past, when the BMI charts listed me as obese according to my height and weight, I just sort of nodded and said “uh huh” and went on my merry way, not really giving it much thought. But seeing that unposed, unaware-of-the-camera picture allowed the scales to fall from my eyes and now I know what everyone else sees: I am OH BEEEEEESSSSSE.

And lest you think it was just a ‘bad’ picture (it wasn’t – the other folks in the picture looked normal), more proof was handed to me last night: Zumba was held in a different location – a dance studio. Do you know what dance studios have? They have MIRRORS.  A whole entire wall of mirrors, which we faced while we danced. Of course I nestled myself in the very back row, but I still had a clear shot of myself in the mirror. Now, in my head, when I go to Zumba, I’m like JLo bustin’ a move over there. I can work it, I really can (in my head, mind you). However, watching myself in that mirror was like watching someone’s grandma trying to do hip hop or something equally horrible and humiliating. And about halfway through the class, I came to the sad realization that I was most definitely the biggest girl in the room. There were a couple of women who came close, but I am certain I was the heaviest one there. Out of about 50 people, I was the big girl in the room. Not my best day.

Did this awareness inspire me and make me recommit to a new healthier way of life? Oh hell no. It sent me into a sadness and resignation the likes of which I have not seen in quite some time. I was sad, sad, sad for the rest of the night. Sad for all the years I’ve wasted being heavy. Sad for my husband who has the fat wife. Sad for my kids who have the fat mom. Just plain ole sad.

But I am grateful for this realization because now there is no more kidding myself. I can’t be in denial anymore. And here’s a handy tip – when you pray to God to show you how you REALLY look, he’ll answer that prayer. In a big way. Make sure you really want to know something before you ask God to tell you.

Like I said, I am thankful for this even in my sorrow. I don’t want to live my life avoiding the obvious anymore, but I’m not sure know where to go from here. I’m exercising 4-5 days a week now and I don’t feel like I’m eating too much, so I don’t know what else to do. I can’t overthink it right now. I’m still kind of reeling and more than anything, I just feel numb.

And no, I am not going to post that picture. You all know I’m pretty much an open book here at this blog, but I just can’t show you the picture. Not yet. Maybe some day after I’ve lost 60 pounds I’ll pull it out and show everyone, but for now, it stays hidden away.

I’m not crushed by this, just sad and disappointed that I let myself get this way and a little overwhelmed at how much work and how long it’s going to take to undo it all. I have such a long road ahead of me.