My thoughts are zigzagging this week which is why I haven’t posted. I can’t get a clear theme in mind, so I’ma just dump it all out and see if you can make anything of it.  Good luck with that.

The holiday weekend (and the 2 days since) kicked my tail. I admit I went on a kind of Last Supper-type binge  that has lasted 3 days. You know that saying “you can’t eat junk food if you don’t bring it into your house”? Well conversely, you can’t eat healthy food if you don’t bring it into your house, either. It’s hard to pack a salad for lunch when you don’t have any salad greens. And it’s hard to eat an apple with peanut butter if you don’t have any apples. The point is, I need to get my arse to the grocery store and stock up. I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall trying to play the “what’s healthier” game – a ham sandwich on white bread or an ice cream sandwich? Is it any wonder my weight is back up to 187 today? Lesson Learned: go to the damn grocery store already!!

I’ve been following Kindle’s Ease into 5k program, which is great for treadmill running, but I’m getting into the longer continuous runs now and I don’t like it. I don’t want to run for 26 minutes straight without a walk break. It makes me dread the upcoming runs and makes me want to NOT do them at all. And since I’m such a slow runner, I never seem to get in more than 2 miles anyway during the allotted time and I want to know that I can run 3 miles without puking or dying. SO…I’m going to finish my training my own way: run 10 minutes, walk 2 minutes, repeat until 3.1 miles is completed. That’s my plan for the next 3 weeks until The Color Run. I’m getting really excited about running it, I think it’s going to be F-U-N fun!

Here’s the part where I zigzag: I find myself vacillating between committing to my weight loss goals once and for all or chucking the whole idea entirely and not worrying about it anymore. On the one hand, I’ve got a lot of really helpful tools I can use to help me get to my goal weight, but a bunch of shiny new tools are useless if you never open the stupid tool box and put them to use. Using these tools takes time and patience to form the habit of using them – a lot of mental energy and focus is needed to do this. I could do it, I just need to COMMIT to doing it. On the other hand, why am I trying to lose weight anyway? I’m running and going to Zumba again, my husband still loves me, I’ve got an excellent life…why again is losing weight so important to me? So I can look good in a pair of jeans? Is that really where I want my time and energy to go? To attaining the perfect butt? Sometimes in the grand scheme of things, this whole weight loss thing just seems so trivial (to me). But on the other hand, I realize that just because I don’t have health issues NOW doesn’t mean I won’t get them in the future if I don’t lose weight now. But on the other hand (yes I have four hands, it comes in handy (ha!) with 3 kids), I feel like if I am focused on weight loss, I’m not focusing on other more important things like volunteering for some worthy cause. Why can’t I do both? Have you met me? I do not multitask well. I have burned many dinners because I decided I needed to pay bills (or something else) whilst cooking. So what’s a perimenopausal girl to do? I don’t know. Seriously, I DON’T KNOW. Tell me, Oh Wise Readers, how I should live my life!  😉

Speaking of being perimenopausal (good gravy that is a long word to type out), I picked up a package of Estroven Plus Mood & Memory at the store the other day. It’s basically a mulitvitamin with some black cohosh and ginkgo biloba thrown in. I’ve been taking them for about 10 days now and I can definitely tell a difference. I’m 4 days away from my Lady Time and I have very few PMS symptoms right now. No tenderness in my ta-tas, no wildly swinging emotions, I haven’t felt the need to punch anyone in the throat…I just feel really EVEN. It’s a good feeling. Strange, but good.  Let’s hope this feeling lasts. Forever.

Okay, so that’s it for now. It’s almost my lunch hour and I’m going to head to the local grocery store and pick up a premade salad and some fruit for lunch. Then after work today, I’ll do a real grocery shop and get plenty of healthy stuff and you all won’t have to hear me bitch and whine about not having anything healthy to eat. Sounds good to me! 🙂