Working through it

I’m not gonna lie, y’all. The last 10 days or so have been rough (in a suburban American white woman’s way).  I have not been able to get control of my eating and it is starting to wear me down, but I’ve learned a few things from the Overcoming Binge Eating ebook that has helped me work through it. One of the things suggested is to keep a journal – I’ve never kept a journal before (yeah I know this blog could be considered a journal, but mostly when I blog, it’s because I have something to tell YOU), and I’m finding that I really like it. It’s a great place to just let it all out, or to think through an idea, or whatever.  I wanted to share what I wrote in my journal this morning because it might help someone else out there.

May 3, 2012

I am having a really hard time right now. My appetite feels like it’s out of control – like I’m out of control. I hate what I’ve become. I keep asking myself if this plan is going to be any different than anything else I’ve tried. I’m starting to feel the familiar desperation that comes when I try to lose weight and it’s not going as well as I like – I hate that feeling because it fills me with anxiety. So let’s break this down – anxiety is based in fear – what do I fear? I fear that I won’t ever be able to lose this weight and I’ll just keep gaining and gaining. I don’t want to be fat for the rest of my life.

It’s at this point that I heard a little voice in my head saying “but what if this isn’t true?”

But if I counter my own argument – what if I do have what it takes to lose the weight? What if all it takes is a little time and effort – I can do that. I have that in me. I  have time – the effort does not come as easily, but then I guess it wouldn’t be called “effort” would it? I need to just relax and take it one meal at a time, one day at a time. I’ve had a rough few days, but I’m PMSing and that always makes things more difficult. I’m going to find something to help me deal with the PMS, then  I’m going to make a shopping list with good healthy foods on it (because it all begins in the shopping cart) and then I’m going to get back to training seriously for The Color Run. If I do all of these things, that will take care of the effort and the time will take care of itself.

I feel so much better and much less anxious since I was able to work through it in my journal. The quiet desperation is gone and is replaced with a quiet “I can do this” feeling. Honestly, if I hadn’t had my journal, I would still be mired in anxiety right now. I always balked at keeping a journal, but now that I see its benefits, I will continue using it.

Do any of you keep a journal outside of your blog? Does anyone else think with their pen like I do? (Seriously, I think my brain is connected to my writing hand – it doesn’t stay in there until I write it out, which is also why I can’t go to the store without a list and expect to come home with anything.)

6 thoughts on “Working through it

  1. Yeah, my brian thinks things through as I write or say them (the latter getting me in trouble frequently, so writing being a better option.) I’m glad you are feeling better. I’m with you, struggling as well. *hugs*

  2. Proud of you!! Loved reading this. It has helped me a lot today. I’ve had a ridiculously stressful month and my eating at night has sucked. I’ve felt awful about it. Your journal could have been written by me. Thank you for sharing! Hugs.

  3. It’s so great that you’re willing to do this kind of hard self-introspection. It can be super-rough!

    I went into therapy when I was binging/purging, and my counselor had me write everything I was eating, and I mean EVERYTHING, into a journal. I’m glad I didn’t have to post it for all to see, but when I combined it with my personal journaling, it really helped me understand what was causing me to lean on particular things emotionally and why. The journal (and the associated process of tracking what I was eating) ended up being less about the finished “product”–weight-loss and what not–and more about how I was internalizing and managing stress and anxiety. It didn’t fix everything right away, but it was a huge step in self-understanding.

  4. I always journal when I’m frustrated about something – work, relationships, and above all, trying to lose weight. It helps put everything in order and it’s a stress reliever. Thanks for posting, your blog also helps us feel better through the struggle!

  5. I know that you run and if you’re anything like me, you have an inner whiny voice saying can we stop now? My knees hurts, my chest hurts this is too far and what are we doing this for anyway? My advice is to treat the voice as one of the kids. Listen but ignore. You are in charge you are the adult and you make the decisions, not the whiny kid in the background xxxx

    1. Oh my gosh I love this so much. “treat the voice as one of your kids, listen but ignore” – I feel like I need this on a tshirt or something!! Thanks! 🙂

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