Dear 25 Year Old Me,

Gosh you are so cute. You are slim and muscular and you have the most fabulous natural arch in your eyebrows. We had some good times with your cute self, didn’t we?

Well 25, here’s the deal. Since about 1997, I’ve been in a fruitless quest to get back to you. You were my IDEAL weight. I’ve dieted and exercised and worried and cried and fretted for 16 years just trying to get that 1996 body back. That’s a long time to want something. That’s a long time to look back.

I’m slowly realizing that I will never be you, ever again. Even if by the grace of God, I do lose 50 pounds and get back to the weight of my youth, I still won’t look like YOU. Even if we weigh the same – we will still look different. I won’t look like you ever again…and I’m trying to not be sad about that.

I’m going to be 41 in a couple of weeks and I’m tired of looking back. I’m tired of being afraid to face the present and the future – I’m afraid of feeling like they won’t be as good as the past once was. So my dear 25, I’m afraid I have to let go of the dream of you. I have to let go of the fact that I won’t ever, EVER, look like you again.

If I lose enough weight to resemble you, I still won’t BE you. No, I’ll be 41. And 41 – well she’s got a lot going on…she’s got big plans for this next year. 41 has a hot husband and great kids that she wants to focus on. 41 is spending more time with old friends and making new ones as well. 41 is smarter, more patient, and definitely funnier than you were. And 41 is working really hard to get her mental sh*t together so she can get rid of this extra weight.

So consider this a goodbye letter to the dreaming and wishful thinking that I will ever be you, 25. ย I can’t charge full on into my 41st year if I’m still holding hands with you. You were awesome 25, and I will always be thankful for you, but now it’s time get to know 41 and see what she’s capable of doing.