Sunday night on the patio

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One of my favorite things to do lately is to sit on the patio after dinner with my husband and talk and watch the fish swim around in the pond (yes I know this jet set life is going to kill me if I don’t slow down – shut up) and on Sunday night we did just that. We were talking about one of his close friends who is descending into a world of alcoholism and we were talking about how we could help him. Shawn was describing L’s (not his real name, obviously) behavior and the more he talked, the more I realized I can totally identify with some of them. I thought this would be a good time to enlighten my husband about my little problem with food and my weight, since I’ve never really opened up about it to him before (believe it or not, I don’t share IRL like I do here). So I told Shawn that I could understand the feelings  that L was going through, and that lead to us talking about my using food to cope and how I really want to lose all this excess weight. While we were discussing various ways of losing weight, he said “…it doesn’t bother me what you weigh…”

SCREEECH!!!

Wait, what?

I waited for a lull in the conversation and I got super brave and I said “So my weight really doesn’t bother you?”

He shrugged and said “no, not really. What bothers me is that it bothers YOU so much. I’m fine with your body.”

I was stunned. STUNNED, y’all.

He quickly added “I don’t want you gain a whole bunch more weight though, I don’t want you to weigh 250 pounds or anything, but your weight now isn’t a big deal to me.”  This made me laugh a little bit, like maybe he thought I would take it as permission to dive head first into a vat of apple pie and not come up for air until I could only waddle out! I assured him that what I weigh now is the pinnacle of my weight gain, that I surely don’t want to weigh anymore than I do now. I told him I wanted to lose about 40 pounds and that would be good for me. His eyes got wide and he said “FORTY POUNDS?!?”  I said, “yeah, that’s what I would like to lose” and he responded with “why would you want to get that skinny? Why do you want to try to get down to 120?”

Then it hit me. He thinks I only weigh around 160 pounds.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  Oh I had to laugh at that!!! I WISH I only weighed 160!!

Anyway, I told him I knew that I would never be a rail and that if I could get to 150, then I’d stop and reevaluate if I wanted to go further or not. He seemed satisfied with that and then we went on to talk about what kinds of exercises I could do and how we need to clean out the garage so we can get a weight machine in there to go with the treadmill. All in all it was a good discussion and I feel better since I let him take a peek into my weight loss world. And honestly? Even if he is lying about being okay with my weight (which I don’t think he is lying, it’s not his style), just his saying that my weight doesn’t bother him has put a spring in my step and taken some of the pressure off, ya know? Knowing he’s not embarrassed or repulsed by me is a huge confidence booster, which makes it easier to do the things I need to do to lose weight (ironic, no?).

So there ya have it. Apparently I didn’t give my husband enough credit for being the decent guy he is. I’ll try to not make that mistake again.

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15 thoughts on “Sunday night on the patio

  1. yeah, men have no clue how much women really weigh. Back in the winter when I was losing weight I weighed less than my husband for the first time in so long. Of course I have gained back almost 20 of the 30 I lost and he has lost 15, so now again there is a large gap. I hate to say it, but even though it doesn’t seem to really bother him, I keep remembering my ex-BF tell me when I weighed 157 that he liked bigger women but if I weighed 200 lbs he probably wouldn’t love me any more. His wife is quite large, but even 20 years later I keep remembering him telling me that and here I am at 200 (okay, 204) and it crushes me.

  2. My husband tells me things like that now, but back when I was obese (220+) I remember when he told me he loved me, but he wasn’t attracted to me. I’m not that now, but it’s hard to think he’s attracted to me not being as thin as I can get, especially knowing I need to lose about 30lbs myself. I understand that’s on me, not him, but at the same time I don’t know if I’ll ever get over what he told me (and this was 15 years ago, mind you.)

    • Kyra, my husband & I had a very similar conversation before we had kids, and I weighed around 185. We went to marriage counseling, and that helped a lot, but before counseling he had a lot of issues with marrying a 145 pound healthy girl and ending up with a fat wife 2 years later. I just got heavier after kids. He still had issues with my body, even though he didn’t say so, when I weighed 190-200. Now he is happy with my curves, even though I’ve still got a good 20-25 pounds to lose, but I’m not obese anymore. It hurts deeply when your husband isn’t attracted to you, even if he loves you.

  3. debby

    Wait. Didn’t you tell us a couple of years ago that Shawn thought you were a hot mama? But I think the most important thing was that you shared how you could relate to L–using food to cope. I think there are people who have no comprehension of that. My mom is always amazed/amused by my “foodiness.” And now that he knows that, it might be easier to make those little healthy changes that you are already making.

    Hey, I didn’t get my own personal blog announcement!

    • Yeah, I had to jump on the opportunity to tell him what I deal with. He doesn’t really understand addiction, let alone food addiction and this was a perfect time to have this talk. I think it really helped him understand how people can gain so much weight.

    • Actually, I have 2 ponds with fish. One is a little koi pond in the front yard and the other is actually a creek that runs through our neighborhood. The creek sits about 10 feet off our patio and is stocked with bass, catfish, perch, turtles, frogs,snakes, bugs, etc etc etc, so there’s usually some kind of entertainment to watch! 🙂

  4. Your ponds sound wonderful!

    It’s taken Danny a while to understand what addiction is and that emotional eating is truly a way for people, including me, to cope. He’s less judgmental now. You have a good man, there.

  5. I honestly don’t think guys care about weight too much, as long as the girl is still pretty. My husband explained to me (on one of his honesty attacks) that, first, women are sorted by deciding if they look girl-like or boy-like. I answered, “Are you serious? That’s insulting!” He replied, “Don’t worry, honey! You look like a girl.” See why we don’t really want to know what they are thinking? It’s okay if they don’t know our weight.

    🙂 Marion

  6. I’m so glad you were able to talk with him. It is hard to have that kind of “secret” and not share with your spouse. It sounds like you are making real progress, Jill. Proud of you!

  7. Those conversations can be incredibly reassuring. Our partners NEVER look at us and judge us with the same lenses we use ourselves. i know my husband adores how i look at any weight, but actually prefers me with a few extra pounds (granted, I’m 5’11” so I can gain/lose without it really showing up.) I always laugh at how, if there’s a scale, he hops right on it, suit/shoes and all, while I run shrieking from the room…

    I am right there with you re sitting outside and enjoying the view. I hate the summer is coming to an end…SO SAD 😦

  8. Wow, I find this fascinating! It’s pretty different with a female partner… we talk about everything, obsessively and exhaustively and repetitively. And then we take a breath and talk some more!

    I think its wonderful that he’s being so open and supportive, and that you’re trusting him to share your thoughts a bit. Sounds like it was a huge relief to get things out in the open.

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