One of my favorite things to do lately is to sit on the patio after dinner with my husband and talk and watch the fish swim around in the pond (yes I know this jet set life is going to kill me if I don’t slow down – shut up) and on Sunday night we did just that. We were talking about one of his close friends who is descending into a world of alcoholism and we were talking about how we could help him. Shawn was describing L’s (not his real name, obviously) behavior and the more he talked, the more I realized I can totally identify with some of them. I thought this would be a good time to enlighten my husband about my little problem with food and my weight, since I’ve never really opened up about it to him before (believe it or not, I don’t share IRL like I do here). So I told Shawn that I could understand the feelings that L was going through, and that lead to us talking about my using food to cope and how I really want to lose all this excess weight. While we were discussing various ways of losing weight, he said “…it doesn’t bother me what you weigh…”
I waited for a lull in the conversation and I got super brave and I said “So my weight really doesn’t bother you?”
He shrugged and said “no, not really. What bothers me is that it bothers YOU so much. I’m fine with your body.”
I was stunned. STUNNED, y’all.
He quickly added “I don’t want you gain a whole bunch more weight though, I don’t want you to weigh 250 pounds or anything, but your weight now isn’t a big deal to me.” This made me laugh a little bit, like maybe he thought I would take it as permission to dive head first into a vat of apple pie and not come up for air until I could only waddle out! I assured him that what I weigh now is the pinnacle of my weight gain, that I surely don’t want to weigh anymore than I do now. I told him I wanted to lose about 40 pounds and that would be good for me. His eyes got wide and he said “FORTY POUNDS?!?” I said, “yeah, that’s what I would like to lose” and he responded with “why would you want to get that skinny? Why do you want to try to get down to 120?”
Then it hit me. He thinks I only weigh around 160 pounds.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh I had to laugh at that!!! I WISH I only weighed 160!!
Anyway, I told him I knew that I would never be a rail and that if I could get to 150, then I’d stop and reevaluate if I wanted to go further or not. He seemed satisfied with that and then we went on to talk about what kinds of exercises I could do and how we need to clean out the garage so we can get a weight machine in there to go with the treadmill. All in all it was a good discussion and I feel better since I let him take a peek into my weight loss world. And honestly? Even if he is lying about being okay with my weight (which I don’t think he is lying, it’s not his style), just his saying that my weight doesn’t bother him has put a spring in my step and taken some of the pressure off, ya know? Knowing he’s not embarrassed or repulsed by me is a huge confidence booster, which makes it easier to do the things I need to do to lose weight (ironic, no?).
So there ya have it. Apparently I didn’t give my husband enough credit for being the decent guy he is. I’ll try to not make that mistake again.