The Decision

Okay, so for the last couple of weeks I have felt like it’s do-or-die time in regards to my weight. I have waffled back and forth on whether or not I should go back on my doctor’s weight management plan (ie diet pills) or if I should just suck it up and do it on my own. Last weekend was kind of a tough one and I had decided that I had enough and I was just going to do the damn diet pills and lose the weight and get it over with. Yesterday’s post was all the reasons I was using to convince myself that I should take the diet pills (that’s what that last sentence meant, Amy!).

I wasn’t very comfortable with that decision though. I felt like taking the diet pills was cheating and wondered if I wouldn’t be right back in this same leaky boat this time next year. I felt sort of guilty taking the “easy” route. I even had my blog post about the diet pills written in my head and the title was going to be Don’t You Judge Me Because I’m Judging Myself Enough For All Of Us. Feeling guilty much, Jill?

I was making plans to go visit my doctor yesterday afternoon to get the results of my physical and start the diet pill program, when I got this email. It’s a daily devotional that I have emailed to me every day. And then I read this one too – same devotional, different day. Both of them made me think that maybe I need to NOT do what I’ve done in the past and maybe taking the easy way out isn’t the way to go after all. And then I got this email from my insurance company at work:

If you are looking to lose weight, Blue Cross and Blue Shield of Illinois (BCBSIL) can help. With our Blue Care Connection telephonic Weight Management program, you’ll have guidance and support through personal motivational coaching – at no additional charge to you.

Once you are enrolled, you will be assigned to your own Wellness Coach who will:

Review your symptoms and problems.

Provide you with personal assistance for goal setting, resource education and tips.

Work with you to establish a follow-up call schedule.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions and share your feelings with your coach. This valuable relationship can help keep you motivated.

Very cool, right? So I called and enrolled, and I talked to Richard who was, shall we say, reserved at best. He was somewhat cool (not in a good way) and asked me a bunch of questions and basically told me lots of stuff I already knew. Then he said he would call me in a couple of weeks to check my progress. Not exactly the warm hug, hand holding experience I was looking for, but it’s a start, right?  
So I’m going to just try and bust my arse and lose this weight the old fashioned way. I mean lots of other bloggers have done it, so why can’t I? I might take me a loooooong time, but as long as I’m making progress, I’m okay with that.
I don’t really have a solid plan as to how I’m going to do it, I’m just going to focus on DOING WHAT I ALREADY KNOW I SHOULD BE DOING. Eating small portions of good-for-me foods and moving my extra large arse every day in some form  or fashion. I told Debby that if I was really being honest, when I did the diet pills in 2008, I was also eating like Atkins and walking EVERY DAY and I always said that THAT is why I lost the weight, so why can’t I just do that again? The eating well and walking part, not so much the Atkins part. But I had it in me before to do those things, I know I’ve got it in me to do it again.  The hubs and I bought a new treadmill last weekend, so I think I’m going to give C25k another go. I don’t plan on running any races, but I think I need to have a fitness goal that I can achieve. I need to be able to finish SOMETHING because I’m not so good with the follow-through once I start something.  Being able to complete the C25k would give me a boost I think, plus it’s a simple plan to follow.
Oh! I had my doctor fax the results of my physical to me and honestly, I don’t understand how someone who is 50 pounds overweight can be so darn healthy. Seriously, all my numbers were great.  My blood is as healthy as a freaking horse. I’m really surprised because I expected everything to be a mess, but I am in good health, so score one for Team Jill!!  Woohoo!!
This is a long weekend (thank goodness!!) and I have NO PLANS. Just a blissfully long weekend hanging out with the fam.  I’m so looking forward to it like you cannot believe!!  I hope you all have a great weekend – bring on the Summer time!!!  🙂
In the meantime I’m going to leave you with this song – it brought me to tears this morning because I really needed to hear it (this is the clean version):


because I’m starting to waddle when I walk

because my fat jeans are now my so-tight-they-are-inappropriate jeans

because when I jump on the trampoline, I’m afraid I’m going to rip it

because I don’t recognize myself in the mirror

because getting up off the floor is becoming harder and harder

because the older I get the harder it’s going to be

because I want people to say “she has pretty hair” and not “wow she’s gotten big”

because turning over in bed is an exercise in itself

because the elastic in my underwear is shot

because I don’t want my kids to be embarrassed

because 14 years is long enough

because I just don’t feel like I can do it on my own

That’s why.

HR Puff n Jill

Hello Friday! Good gravy I thought you’d never get here!!

So I went to my Google Reader this morning, as I always do when I get to work, and I was disappointed to find only 6 blogs had posted. SIX. What is wrong with you people? Don’t you realize it’s Friday and I have lots of work to avoid?!?  It took me all of 15 minutes to read those blogs and now I have nothing to do except…work. Sheesh. I expect more out of you all than that. I don’t think you are living up to your potential is all I’m saying. So let’s get out there and POST. SOME. BLOGS!!!   🙂

Is it sad that I’m always a little bit sad when I realize I just read the last blog in my reader?  It’s like getting to the last bite of ice cream plain, nonfat yogurt and wishing you had another scoop.

So this has been a weird week. Tuesday evening I did a good sweaty workout on the elliptical (I know!) and when I finished, my face was hot. Not hot, like “wow that was a really good workout”, but hot like “CHEMICAL BURN ON MY FACE!! PUT IT OUT PUT IT OUT!!!!” So I grabbed a wet washcloth and wiped my face down and looked in the mirror and I noticed my face was kind of puffy and very red. After a while the redness went away and I went to bed.

The next morning I woke up to the puffiest, swollenest*, reddest bags under my eyes the world has ever seen.  I looked like this guy:


It was not pretty and I was panicked. So I called the boss and took a sick day, then I took some Benadryl and waited to see what would happen. As I waited I decided to have some breakfast – that was at 9:00 and for the next 4 hours all I did was eat. I ate all day and the whole time I knew I wouldn’t be satisfied with anything I was eating. I wasn’t hungry but I needed soothing and comfort and I always fall back on familiar patterns. I tried to take a nap about 1:00 just so I would stop eating, but between the ringing phone and my MIL coming over to use the bathroom (don’t ask), I never did get a good nap. So from 2-3:00 I ate some more. Then I knew I needed something to break the evil eating spell, so I did about a half hour of yoga, which felt really good and I wished I had time to do more.  All day long the swelling stayed and I felt generally crappy. Oh, did I mention that I had a sinus infection too during all of this? Yeah, nice. So when I got on the scale yesterday THE SCARY NUMBER popped up and let me tell you I was depressed. DE-PRESSED! all day yesterday. Then I talked to my niece (Hi Krysten!) and I talked to Laura and I talked to my husband and long story short, I’m getting a physical next week and then I’m going to make some drastic changes, because folks, NOT making drastic changes is not working for me. Honestly I haven’t decided what I’m going to do yet, but I have some ideas in the works. I think Wednesday was my rock bottom and at this point I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get this crazy eating under control.

I went to the doctor yesterday afternoon and he said I have allergies, so he gave me an allergy shot and some antibiotics. The eye and face swelling has gone down, but now every place that was red and swollen is now extremely rough and dry. I look pretty hideous even with makeup on, so I’m exfoliating and super-moisturizing like crazy. I hope to be back to normal soon.

Tonight is the son’s Band Banquet and then tomorrow is the 6 year old’s birthday party, then on Sunday I’m going to hang out with one of my friends that I haven’t seen in a couple of months so I’m really looking forward to that.  The school year is almost done and hopefully things will simmer down then and we can get into the lazy-hazy-crazy days of summer!

Well dangit, I guess I’ve wasted enough time this morning, so I should get to it. Have a good weekend y’all!  🙂

*yes it is so a word!! Okay it’s really not, but I needed to stay with the -est thing I had going on in that sentence. Come get me Grammar Nazis! I’ll beat you with my superior and correct use of they’re/there/their!! Ha! 

Does this circus tent come without stripes?

Whew!  The week of chaos is over and I am alive.  Actually it wasn’t so bad – I tried to just take things day by day, and I lived to tell about it, so it’s all good.

My weight is holding steady at 186 which is a God-send because eating this week has been all over the place.  I feel grateful that I didn’t gain.

Okay are you ready for a sad story? Not sad as in someone little kid has a disease, but sad as in “woe is me, join me in  my pity party, won’t you?”

Yesterday I wore a dress to work. When my husband asked why I was wearing a dress (instead of my usual jeans) I said it was because I was tired of wearing jeans every day and wanted to wear something different. The truth is that when I pulled my jeans out of the dryer to put them on, they were too tight. I know jeans are always a little tight when you get them out of the dryer, but I haven’t had that problem with these jeans because they were always just a little bit big. Not anymore. I got some other pants out of my closet to wear, and they also were too tight,  as were the third and fourth pair I tried on.

Le Sigh.

I have no pants. Like a man without a country, I am a woman without a pair of pants.

Now, I have always been one to say “go buy clothes that FIT, don’t worry about the size”, but damn, y’all I just don’t know if I can go buy a size EIGHT-FRIGGIN-TEEN.  I think that might send me over the edge, even if they are the cutest jeans in the world.  Just the thought of pulling a pair of size EIGHT-GINORMOUS-TEEN pants off the rack and holding them up makes me sweat a little bit. And I realize, it’s not the actual size that bothers me so much as it is that I NEED that size; that I have let myself go to the point where I need to venture outside of my comfortable 14/16 size and must foray into these larger unfamiliar sizes.  I am heading in the opposite direction of where I intended to go.  I think my GPS is busted.

And in a related story, I have decided I just can’t pull off the capris look. My legs are so short and my calves are so big, that capris make my legs look like stubby little tree trunks. The only solution I can think of is go with the maxi dress for the rest of the spring/summer. And can we talk about the name “maxi dress”? I know it’s supposed to be the opposite of mini skirt, but couldn’t the fashion world have come up with a better name? It sounds like something you should wear during your special Lady Time every month, or something so big that a circus would consider renting it from you for their show.

Are you having a good time at my pity party? Would you like some more punch?

So what I’m saying is, that either I suck it up and by bigger pants or hide myself under a big dress for the next 6 months. Either way, I’m not happy about it. And even if by the grace of God I do lose some weight, it won’t be enough to make a difference this summer, so once again, I’m going to be spending every gathering and family get-together feeling self conscious. I hate that.

Okay, gag. Enough of that. Even I’m sick of my whining at this point.

I hope you all have a good weekend. Me and my enormous ass are going to go shopping for circus tents. Let’s hope we find one without stripes.

Stream of consciousness


I was really tired last night so I went to bed right at 10:00 and fell asleep about 10 seconds later. I slept hard, but had weird, sad dreams and I had the hardest time getting out of bed this morning. I’m still tired today. Also I feel like I have allergies or a cold or something just starting, maybe that’s why I’m so tired. I have a lot to do at work today but just can’t seem to organize my thoughts well enough to get anything done. Have to leave early to pick up kids from school and zoom them over to the dentist’s office where we will get xrayed and polished, then rush home to cook dinner and get myself to Zumba. The thought of going to Zumba tonight wears me out, but I think I should go. If I don’t go, I have plenty of laundry to keep me busy, so it’s not like I’m going to sit around and do nothing if I don’t go. Well, I’ll decide that later. I wish I had another one of those Sweet & Salty granola bars. Those things are like cake! Very filling, but if I let myself zombie out for awhile I could eat a whole box of them. What I really need is a nap. A nap at home in my cool bed with the curtains drawn and the lights off. Ah, that sounds like a dream. Instead, I’m here at work under these artificial lights while the computers keys click-click-click away, keeping me awake.  Don’t know why I feel the need to write all this down, but getting it out sort of helps me to focus – getting all the random stuff out of my head so I can concentrate on work for the next 2.5 hours, maybe? I don’t know. This post is not for anyone but me, so if it makes no sense at all, that’s okay. It’s a weird day.