I had sort of a tiny little epiphany yesterday. I was thinking about my current job and how unchallenging and unfulfilling it is and I asked myself why I stay. This is a decent paying job with great benefits and a boss who, even if he is somewhat of a dim-witted redneck, pretty much lets me run the show. If I need to take some time off, he is more than willing to let me do whatever I need to do. The people here are good to me and it is a very easy job. This job provides security and stability and braces for my kids teeth.

These are good, valid reasons to stay. Good, valid, joyless, soul crushing reasons. So why don’t I take the plunge and go find my bliss? I’ll tell you…

It’s FEAR. I’m afraid.

I’m afraid I might make the wrong decision. What if I find another, more challenging, job and I end up hating it? What if, instead of a dimwitted redneck, I end up with a know-it-all jerk of a boss who makes my life hell? What if I don’t find another job at all? What will my kids teeth look like if they had to take the braces off now?

Fear. Keeps me stuck in this job.

I have been thinking about my health and my weight and I know that the binge eating that I have relied on for the last year has served its purpose, but now it’s time to let it go. I’m ready to let go of this thirty pound gain – it’s been right at a year (give or take a few days) since the Awkward Coworker incident that started my downward spiral into Binge Hell. I finally feel ready to put my conscious self back in the driver’s seat and start losing this weight. But there is one thing that keeps me from actually starting…

Fear.

What if I can’t do this? Maybe I’m not ready to give up the comfort of cookies and mac n cheese? Staying where I am right now would be so easy – no effort to put forth, no planning, no saying “no” to the easy choices. The fear of actually making changes is hard to shake. But the desire to change is also hard to shake.

Right now today, the fear is equally balanced with the desire. If I stay perfectly still and make no moves whatsoever, nothing will change. I will feel noble because I have the desire, but I won’t have to challenge the fear. It seems like a win-win, right? Wrong. Because I know that eventually the fear will outweigh the desire and I will be stuck with this extra weight forever. And that is not acceptable to me.

Challenging fear is unfamiliar territory for me. I like the status quo. I like not rocking the boat. I am not a fan of drama, and turmoil. Geeze, I sound like a Stepford Wife with all my passivity (I think I’d rather be a Joan Jett – sassy rock stars who rock the boat are more fun, right?)

Anyway, I’m going to put my fingers in my mental ears and not listen to the fear when it whispers to me. I’m going to make some changes this week and see if I can get some momentum going. A trip to the grocery store, a trip to the park, and other assorted activities are all part of my plan this week to get out of the starting gate. We’ll see where it goes from there.

What is it they say about courage?

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. (Ambrose Redmoon)