So yesterday I was getting ready to leave work –only 30 minutes left to go- when Mr. Brown, my very sweet neighbor, knocked on the door to my office holding a paper plate with foil covering. His wife had made a big batch of Mississippi Mud Brownies to take to a social gathering that got cancelled, so she made up a plate of brownies for me, and Mr. Brown volunteered to deliver them. We chatted for a few minutes, then he left and since I was genuinely hungry, I ate the brownies.
All 3 of them.
They were so sugary and sweet and yes, the first few bites tasted good, but after that, not so much. But I kept eating them because…I don’t know why. Mainly habit, I think? I honestly didn’t know what to do with 3 brownies. I knew that I would eat one. But then what would I do with the other two? After I ate one, I wanted another one and saw that there was one left. I didn’t want to throw it away, because who throws away a perfectly perfect brownie? So even though I knew I didn’t want it, I just wanted to get rid of it, down the hatch it went! When I licked the last of the chocolate off my fingers, I felt ill. Genuinely sick. Those brownies were so rich that they made me sick. I felt awful, and then I realized that it totally wasn’t worth it.
WAS NOT WORTH IT!
I went to Boot Camp and worked out hard, hoping to work off at least half of one brownie, but I still felt ill the whole time. Even when I got home and the hubs offered me the last of the tacos for dinner, I waved it off saying that I wasn’t hungry and had a bit of heartburn (totally the truth). Miserable! Is what I was. I didn’t eat dinner, but about 9 pm I was hungry again so I ate a couple of crackers, a small handful of pecans, and a half a glass of milk. That was all that sounded good at the time.
I really had to talk myself off the guilt-ledge. I had to tell myself that it was a learning experience and even though I knew better, it was just a mistake to learn from. I am not in my binge-fog anymore and eating stuff like that just doesn’t serve me well (not that it ever did). I gave myself lots of compassion and caring and finally had to just LET IT GO. I made a mistake – that’s what humans do, and I am 100% human.
I still wish I hadn’t eaten those brownies. Okay, well I wish I hadn’t eaten 2.5 of those brownies, because they were good! But next time I hope I’ll really take the time to remember how I felt yesterday – and maybe I won’t fall for that sweet temptation again. Sometimes I wonder if I am ever going to get it – will I always fall for the same trap again and again? I think the day that I can face down a plate of brownies and NOT feel the need to eat all of them will be the day I become a success. It won’t be the day I hit my goal weight, it won’t be the size 8 pants, it won’t even be the day I fully run a 5k without stopping. It will be the day I can say “gosh those brownies look good, but I really don’t want them, so I’ll pass for today.” THAT will be my gold star day.