100% human

So yesterday I was getting ready to leave work –only 30 minutes left to go- when Mr. Brown, my very sweet neighbor, knocked on the door to my office holding a paper plate with foil covering. His wife had made a big batch of Mississippi Mud Brownies to take to a social gathering that got cancelled, so she made up a plate of brownies for me, and Mr. Brown volunteered to deliver them. We chatted for a few minutes, then he left and since I was genuinely hungry, I ate the brownies.

All 3 of them.

They were so sugary and sweet and yes, the first few bites tasted good, but after that, not so much. But I kept eating them because…I don’t know why. Mainly habit, I think? I honestly didn’t know what to do with 3 brownies. I knew that I would eat one. But then what would I do with the other two? After I ate one, I wanted another one and saw that there was one left. I didn’t want to throw it away, because who throws away a perfectly perfect brownie? So even though I knew I didn’t want it, I just wanted to get rid of it, down the hatch it went! When I licked the last of the chocolate off my fingers, I felt ill. Genuinely sick. Those brownies were so rich that they made me sick. I felt awful, and then I realized that it totally wasn’t worth it.

WAS NOT WORTH IT!

I went to Boot Camp and worked out hard, hoping to work off at least half of one brownie, but I still felt ill the whole time. Even when I got home and the hubs offered me the last of the tacos for dinner, I waved it off saying that I wasn’t hungry and had a bit of heartburn (totally the truth). Miserable! Is what I was. I didn’t eat dinner, but about 9 pm I was hungry again so I ate a couple of crackers, a small handful of pecans, and a half a glass of milk. That was all that sounded good at the time.

I really had to talk myself off the guilt-ledge. I had to tell myself that it was a learning experience and even though I knew better, it was just a mistake to learn from. I am not in my binge-fog anymore and eating stuff like that just doesn’t serve me well (not that it ever did). I gave myself lots of compassion and caring and finally had to just LET IT GO. I made a mistake – that’s what humans do, and I am 100% human.

I still wish I hadn’t eaten those brownies. Okay, well I wish I hadn’t eaten 2.5 of those brownies, because they were good! But next time I hope I’ll really take the time to remember how I felt yesterday – and maybe I won’t fall for that sweet temptation again. Sometimes I wonder if I am ever going to get it – will I always fall for the same trap again and again? I think the day that I can face down a plate of brownies and NOT feel the need to eat all of them will be the day I become a success. It won’t be the day I hit my goal weight, it won’t be the size 8 pants, it won’t even be the day I fully run a 5k without stopping. It will be the day I can say “gosh those brownies look good, but I really don’t want them, so I’ll pass for today.”   THAT will be my gold star day.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “100% human

  1. I love, love, LOVE brownies! That’s what I chose to be my birthday “cake” when I was growing up – almost every year.

    We (EFYS) talked about this at a meeting how the first few bites are divine and to use that “Hm! Not as divine anymore” as a stop signal. I’m still learning.

    ” So even though I knew I didn’t want it, I just wanted to get rid of it,” — that is so me. If it’s gone, then I don’t have to deal with it (although, it’s not really gone).

    Anyway, I haven’t posted this step, yet, Jill, but it was one of the most freeing steps ever. It was learning to believe that I can have whatever I wanted. After many, many years (at least 2.5 decades – probably more) of thinking I can’t have this or that, or this is off-limits, I’m bad for having that, I can finally say, “I can have that.” It has taken away the power from food items.

    Speaking of posting about EFYS — Jarah has a possible book deal with a publisher, however, she’s not ready to hand over her rights of the book to them (they can make whatever changes to it they want). Another option is to self-publish a workbook. What I’m getting at is, for now, I’m not going to be writing as much about the steps on my blog until she has everything in order. I still write for myself, so if you want me to send more info through email, I can. Otherwise, I’m just going to post about how the EFYS steps affect me and my journey, etc. gcrivello99 gmail com

    It’s wonderful how you forgive yourself and accept that you are human. It’s a good reminder for me.

  2. IM not a chocolate lover, but I do have my weak moments. I totally hate it when you break down and eat something and then feel like it wasnt worth the calories.

    SOrry : (

  3. Oh dear. Misssissippi mud. Not just your average brownie. I so wish I could have been there to rescue you from those 2.5 brownies. LOL.

    I felt a little sick yesterday, and I don’t think it was from the food in Africa. I think it was from all the junk food I ate on the long trip home. that was a lot of junk food in about a 48 hour time span. But I’m right there with you, trying not to do the guilt thing any more. I think maybe that is why I was able to get right back on track with my favorite good foods yesterday and today. But if Mrs. Brown knocked on my door with Mississippi Mud….

  4. Oh goodness, I think we have all been here! Several months ago I had a similar experience, only with Dunkin Donuts Munchkins, you know, those little donut holes that are so addicting you can’t eat just one? Yeah, a well meaning co-worker had purchased a box of 35, but only wanted 5 of them. She gave me the box and told me to take them home to my children. Mind you, this was at 4 o’clock in the afternoon. My afternoon snack had been consumed around 2pm, I was feeling hungry, had that sweet tooth craving to boot and well, I’m a food addict.

    I proceeded to consume all 30 of the remaining donut holes. They were SO NOT WORTH IT and I instantly felt that remorse. I’m happy to say I have not binged on donut holes since. 🙂

    Good job on picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, recognizing the behavior and then moving forward.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s