So I just got off the phone with a counselor because I think I’m going crazy. No, really. I feel off these days and I’m not sure why, so this post is me trying to figure it all out.
A few years ago when I did Weight Watchers, something was turned on in my brain that made me become obsessive about food. I thought about food and losing weight ALL. THE. TIME. All I could think about was losing weight: what to eat, what not to eat, how to exercise, how much to exercise, etc. It got to the point that I really felt out of control with it.
Then I started taking the appetite suppressants from my doctor and POOF! The crazy obsessive food thoughts were gone. I didn’t think about food or losing weight anymore. It was such a great feeling to be able to think about something besides losing weight! For the next year and a half, my brain and I coexisted peacefully.
Then in January I joined iChange and started doing the “diet” thing again and slowly but surely, those crazy thoughts, and anxious feelings started to creep up again. I’m thinking about losing weight all the time, and how I’m so bad at it. I keep thinking that if I could just get a handle on these food issues, I’ll be okay, but I can’t get a handle on them. I’ve binged more in the last month than I have in the last 2 years, and I don’t know why, but it seems to be getting worse. I feel tense and on edge. Just thinking about iChange and counting calories makes me feel like I want to run the other direction. And I know that some of my iChange friends read my blog, so for those of you who do – please know that I miss you terribly, but I just can’t be a part of it for right now. I’ve got STUFF I need to deal with first.
I haven’t decided if I will go for counseling or not – real honest to goodness face to face counseling. What would be my reason for going? What would I tell my husband (he doesn’t know any of this is going on – I’m very good at hiding it)?
I think the first thing I need to do is to stop trying to lose weight. I need to step away from the WHOLE weight-losing world for awhile and just focus on figuring out these crazy emotions. I’m not sure what that means for this blog – I might be absent here for awhile, I might start a whole new blog that is diet-free, or I might have two blogs and write simultaneously. I don’t know yet.
I’m trying to think of events or things that have happened that might have led to this “breakdown”. I’m going to brainstorm for a few minutes, so bear with me.
- Kids are out of school and my oldest is babysitting. He’s done a very good job so far, but I think I do feel a bit of anxiety about the whole situation. He’s babysitting because we cannot afford to pay my neighbor what we were paying her last summer, which brings me to my next “issue”:
- Finances are scary right now. Shawn’s business hasn’t picked up this year like it usually does, so things are tight. The oldest just got braces and the first payment is due this month, I’m getting a crown on my tooth that costs a fortune, I have got the shopping bug really bad, but I know that we can’t afford to spend much money right now. This causes a lot of stress that sits just under the surface.
- The incident with my parents that happened over the weekend. It still bothers me. I feel like this is bothering me more than it should – like the way things bother you when you are pms-ing.
- New office space – my boss sits behind me and can look directly over my shoulder whenever he wants. It’s a big change for me in that I no longer have the privacy/time to peruse the internet like I used to. I used to spend large amounts of time reading blogs, and being active at iChange, but now I can’t do that with him right behind me. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, because I am caught up at work and my productivity has increased about 800%, but I’m wondering if I’m going through some sort of withdrawal or grief. It sounds crazy, I know, but that’s what this whole post is about – my Crazy.
- I ran my first 5k a couple of weeks ago. That was a pretty huge deal for me. Maybe I’m coming down off of the high of training and running. Have I mentioned that I have another race next weekend and have not run one single step since the last one? I’m setting myself up for major disappointment if I don’t get my butt in gear.
- I wonder if I’m going through some sort of midlife crisis. The way my life has turned out is not at all what I expected it to be, but isn’t it the same with most people? We all have grand ideas of what we want our lives to be like when we are young and when those dreams die in a pile of unfolded laundry, do we just accept it and go with the flow? That’s what I have done.
- I feel like I need to insert right here that I am mostly pleased with my life – I have a great husband, really awesome kids, I can walk outside and sit by the pond and watch the fish swim right now if I want to. I have a lot to be thankful for and I KNOW that I am so blessed…which is why I need to figure out what the heck is wrong with me.
I can’t think of anything else right now. I think I’m going to go get some aggression out on my elliptical. Maybe I can reverse a little bit of my latest binge. If you stuck around this long, thanks for hanging in with me while I try and figure this out. I welcome any and all comments/suggestions/advice you might want to provide.