Hey remember yesterday when I said I was cutting out sugar? Let’s all have a good laugh at that one. Ready?
(deep breath in)
Oh, wow. I don’t think the Hindenburg crashed as fast as I did yesterday. I got 13 hours into my sugar free path and then I caved to the call of The Chocolate Eggs. And the Key Lime Pie. And a brownie. I seriously white-knuckled it for a few hours and then I just gave it up. So obviously I’m not ready to give up the sweets entirely, which is fine with me, really. I don’t think a couple of pieces of dark chocolate every day are going to kill me (think of all the antioxidants I’ll be getting!) so I’ll just stick with that as my treat for now.
I was thinking last night about my whole issue with counting calories, and I had a thought that kind of startled me. I was pondering why I have such a hard time with it and why I get so frustrated when I’m doing it. I think that when I’m counting calories I get really frustrated because I always seem to go over, and I feel like I can’t stay within my allotted calorie range (that word allotted makes me uncomfortable too – we’ll discuss that in a sec) and that makes me feel like a failure. Usually when I go over, it’s due to poor food choices (Key Lime Pie would be a good example here) and it makes me angry that I choose to eat these things when I KNOW it’s not going to help me get any closer to my goal weight. Seeing my bad choices on paper is like LOOKING IN THE MIRROR AND NOT LIKING WHAT I SEE. I have worked hard to get over my body image issues, so when I see my poor food choices on paper, it’s like going back and beating myself up for having large thighs. I think that’s a completely useless and unnecessary feeling. I also think that knowledge is power, so knowing how many calories I’m consuming in a day could be a really helpful tool, but how do I get over this calorie-image issue? Not sure how to conquer this one.
On a related note, having an “allotted” calorie range makes me feel confined – sort of along the lines of “you’re not the boss of me”. It’s my inner brat, I know, but again, I’m not sure how to shut her up. I imagine it’s how a wild mustang feels being penned up in a corral (yes I just compared myself to a wild mustang – hee!). There’s a stubborn streak in there that needs to be broken because it is, I believe, the reason I sabotage myself over and over again. Geez, you would think that being almost 40 years old, I’d be over all this “I’m acting like a 2 year old” stuff, but I guess I’m not. Gotta love human nature!
We are moving our offices at work later this week, so I might be absent for a few days. I think this move is going to be good for me. We are moving out of the plant into a nice little office building, so this means I will no longer have to dress like a construction worker (I wear jeans and boots/tennis shoes every day) and I’ll be able to wear skirts and flip flops if I want! I’m so excited – SQUEEEEE!!!!
Today after work I’m going to do W2D2 of C25k. I think I’m going to go the gym and run on the indoor track because it is super windy out there today and I just don’t have the energy to fight it. I didn’t make time to get all my stuff together last night, so I’ll have to go home and change first, which could be very detrimental to my run. But if I don’t do the run tonight, it will screw up my whole training schedule, so I have to do it. Maybe I’ll send myself a reminder through my phone to GET IT DONE.
Have a good Tuesday everyone! 🙂