The Crazy: She’s back.

Oh it’s bad. So bad that I don’t even want to blog about it, but that’s why I have the blog right? To get it all out in the open and deal with it? Okay here goes.

*deep breath*

My head is so screwed up right now. The Crazy is taking over and she’s playing total games with me. I am sick of it. Sick. Of. It. The whole thing. The whole healthy-eating-working-out-weight-loss-thing. I cannot find the right balance and it’s driving me, well… crazy. I feel like I should be eating only healthy foods – nothing processed, nothing with HFCS, nothing with sugar, nothing nothing nothing fun and evil. I feel like I’m betraying everyone when I dig my hand into a bag of Cheetos, but you know what? I like the damn Cheetos!! I like brownies, I like ice cream, I like cookies. Yes, I also like carrots, red peppers, hummus, cottage cheese, and lots of other healthy good-for-you foods, but sometimes I just get so tired of trying. I get so tired of always trying to make the right decision. Sometimes I just want to take the easy way out and serve my family Hamburger Helper because planning planning and planning wears me the hell out.

For a long time I felt like I had a really good balance going, but lately that balance is totally out of whack. I spent all weekend long thinking about food – I hate thinking about food. That is one reason I did so well with the diet pills – I didn’t think about food except for when I was hungry.

I feel like I have SO MUCH to think about (husband, kids, job, laundry, housework, parents, etc etc etc) and I’m tired. I’m tired of …I don’t know …just tired. I know I don’t want to gain weight again, but I’m so sick of thinking about how NOT to gain weight that I find myself being driven right to the brownies and ice cream.

And here’s something else that drives me crazy: I’ll bet you a hundred thousand million bucks that in a few days, I’ll be totally fine. My head will clear and all will be well again. Until it isn’t, and I head right back down into the valley. Up and down, back and forth, side to side. When will I ever just go from Point A to Point B? I can’t deal with this roller coaster. It’s really starting to piss me off. And I don’t mean I stay at the top for weeks on end and then suddenly come crashing down, no…it’ll be a few days at the most, and then I’ll crash for a few days, and then decided I need to get my act together and climb back up to the top, only to have something else push me over the edge, whereupon I fall even deeper into the valley below. See? Pure Crazy.

I read Vickie’s blog every day, and she always talks about BEING EVEN. How important it is for her stay even – I have no earthly idea how to begin to get there. I feel like I’m almost to the point of needing professional help with this – not a nutritionist, a therapist. Someone who can help me deal with my head. I don’t know. I don’t know what I need.

I’m not looking for pity, I’m not looking for advice, I’m just hoping that by sending this out into the void I’ll get some of it out of my head.

7 thoughts on “The Crazy: She’s back.

  1. I feel your pain. My excuse for not going to the gym this weekend and sitting in my jammies, laying around watching tv, and not eating “right” was it snowed again. It was just to dangerous for me to be out on the roads.

  2. oh, my sweet darling!

    I know this world all so well… honestly I feel so mad at times, that it seems that even my counsellour is getting a little bit nuts (and relieved) after a session with me. But you know, even when I wake up having to deal with the mad me, I think being crazy it’s still better than not being at all … and guess what?! The more I crave sugar and not get any, the crazier I get. You are so right… I do love chocolate, and brownies, and icecream and sticky toffee pudding and tiramisu… and I think it’s completely wrong not to have them ever again! it drives me insane the thought of “living healthy” if that implies eating brussel sprouts for the rest of my life. So I think for me the ideal would be to allow myself to have a treat for time to time, enjoy it without any blame and keep living my life.

  3. Oh, I know all about the crazies.

    Sorry, I don’t have any advice other than hang in there and try to stay strong until it passes.

    I wish I could be one of those people who doesn’t stress over food, eats when she’s hungry, stops when she’s full and doesn’t lust after everything that has sugar or flour in it. I just want to have a normal relationship with it and not have to worry about the carbs calling me from the kitchen.

    One day we’ll figure out how to kick CRAZY to the curb or at least tape her fat mouth shut.

    Good luck!

  4. Well, Jillie, I have been thinking about you all day. I think you are having what Henry Blackaby calls in ‘Experiencing God’ a ‘crisis of belief.’ You just have to decide what you believe about food. Just…that is a loaded word, isn’t it?

    Do you believe that eating Cheetos will put you in an early grave? Well then, you still have to decide–early grave or cheetos. But maybe eating healthy 50 or 80 or 90% of the time is good enough, and eating cheetos is okay once in a while. There’s probably a 90 year old out there somewhere eating cheetos right now.

    Can I just say that I think cheetos is a funny thing to have a crisis of belief about? It must be related to the ‘yellow mystery powder’ you mentioned over on Juice’s blog the other day. I am still laughing about that one.

    Maybe, Jill, you are just doing too much. You really are tired. And you need a break. If I could, I would come and take you out for a piece of cake and some good coffee. Is that the second time today I have mentioned cake and us in the same sentence? Maybe it is a good thing we live a thousand miles apart.

  5. I up sick and somehow I stumbled across your blog. I can RELATE to everything you just said. Just yesterday I was thinking similar thoughts out loud to my hubby. Every time in a place where things are rolling along so “even” I start to worry b/c I know the valley will inevitably come regardless if the mountain appears in the moment to never end. My hope is with time the valleys will be fewer and not as deep.

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