Oh it’s bad. So bad that I don’t even want to blog about it, but that’s why I have the blog right? To get it all out in the open and deal with it? Okay here goes.

*deep breath*

My head is so screwed up right now. The Crazy is taking over and she’s playing total games with me. I am sick of it. Sick. Of. It. The whole thing. The whole healthy-eating-working-out-weight-loss-thing. I cannot find the right balance and it’s driving me, well… crazy. I feel like I should be eating only healthy foods – nothing processed, nothing with HFCS, nothing with sugar, nothing nothing nothing fun and evil. I feel like I’m betraying everyone when I dig my hand into a bag of Cheetos, but you know what? I like the damn Cheetos!! I like brownies, I like ice cream, I like cookies. Yes, I also like carrots, red peppers, hummus, cottage cheese, and lots of other healthy good-for-you foods, but sometimes I just get so tired of trying. I get so tired of always trying to make the right decision. Sometimes I just want to take the easy way out and serve my family Hamburger Helper because planning planning and planning wears me the hell out.

For a long time I felt like I had a really good balance going, but lately that balance is totally out of whack. I spent all weekend long thinking about food – I hate thinking about food. That is one reason I did so well with the diet pills – I didn’t think about food except for when I was hungry.

I feel like I have SO MUCH to think about (husband, kids, job, laundry, housework, parents, etc etc etc) and I’m tired. I’m tired of …I don’t know …just tired. I know I don’t want to gain weight again, but I’m so sick of thinking about how NOT to gain weight that I find myself being driven right to the brownies and ice cream.

And here’s something else that drives me crazy: I’ll bet you a hundred thousand million bucks that in a few days, I’ll be totally fine. My head will clear and all will be well again. Until it isn’t, and I head right back down into the valley. Up and down, back and forth, side to side. When will I ever just go from Point A to Point B? I can’t deal with this roller coaster. It’s really starting to piss me off. And I don’t mean I stay at the top for weeks on end and then suddenly come crashing down, no…it’ll be a few days at the most, and then I’ll crash for a few days, and then decided I need to get my act together and climb back up to the top, only to have something else push me over the edge, whereupon I fall even deeper into the valley below. See? Pure Crazy.

I read Vickie’s blog every day, and she always talks about BEING EVEN. How important it is for her stay even – I have no earthly idea how to begin to get there. I feel like I’m almost to the point of needing professional help with this – not a nutritionist, a therapist. Someone who can help me deal with my head. I don’t know. I don’t know what I need.

I’m not looking for pity, I’m not looking for advice, I’m just hoping that by sending this out into the void I’ll get some of it out of my head.