She is OWNING that girlstache!
She is OWNING that girlstache!

 

So I’ve been reading Bye Bye Pie lately (thanks Juice) and she cracks me up. When I grow up, I want to be as funny as she is. She had a hilarious post a couple of weeks ago about getting her lip waxed – the oriental lip waxer-woman told her she needed it because she is “dark like man”. For the last few months, I have been staring at my upper lip in the mirror wondering if the shadow I saw was indeed, a girlstache. Then when I read June’s post I started wondering if I was dark like man too. After much obsessing, I finally decided to do something about it – I would just get rid of the stache and all would be well with the world again.

I went to the Walmarts and found the Nair for Dark Like Man Upper Lip Cream with Rebalancing Moisturizer. Rebalancing moisturizer? Would this cream make me out of balance (insert mental health joke of your choosing here)? So I brought the cream home and late Saturday night after everyone went to bed – because really, I don’t need the hubs or the kids making comments about the thick white cream on my face – I washed my face and applied the cream of death to my stache area.

OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOUDA THE BURNING!! MAKE THE BURNING STOP!!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS BEAUTIFUL AND HAIRLESS MAKE. IT. STOP!!!!!!

Had I known beforehand that I was applying nuclear sludge to my face, I might not have it applied it so thickly, but the directions said to apply a THICK line of cream, so I did. Did I wipe the sludge from my lip when the burning started? Hell no. I wanted the hair gone and if burning it away is what it took, then so be it. I left the cream on for 6 minutes, then I wiped it away with a damp cloth. The directions also said do not rub, but honestly how do you wipe it away without rubbing? I still haven’t figured that one out yet.

The Nair cream did indeed take away the fine hair from my upper lip as well as six layers of skin and some nerve endings. For the next twenty four hours, I no longer looked like Father Guido Sarducci, instead I looked like The Joker. Great. In addition to the glow of the nuclear fallout, I got one tiny blister that has crusted over just slightly. Nice. I’m all kinds of sexy right now.

I called my best-friend-forever-because-she-knows-too-much-about-me Dinah and she immediately chastised me for not letting a professional handle this. She prefers waxing, but one time in college we tried waxing our legs and let me tell you, it will be a cold day in hell before I let that happen again. That stuff hurts! I may just have to suck it up though and let Tanya, my hair stylist, take over all-things-beauty because I just can’t go through this torture again. I mean really, why does it have to hurt so bad to be a teensy bit beautiful?

So I am done with Nair. Next time I go get my hair cut, I will shyly and quietly ask Tonya to please also wax my upper lip. I just hope my screaming doesn’t alarm the other patrons. And I hope the people in hell have jackets.