The adventures of Girlstache

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She is OWNING that girlstache!

She is OWNING that girlstache!

 

So I’ve been reading Bye Bye Pie lately (thanks Juice) and she cracks me up. When I grow up, I want to be as funny as she is. She had a hilarious post a couple of weeks ago about getting her lip waxed – the oriental lip waxer-woman told her she needed it because she is “dark like man”. For the last few months, I have been staring at my upper lip in the mirror wondering if the shadow I saw was indeed, a girlstache. Then when I read June’s post I started wondering if I was dark like man too. After much obsessing, I finally decided to do something about it – I would just get rid of the stache and all would be well with the world again.

I went to the Walmarts and found the Nair for Dark Like Man Upper Lip Cream with Rebalancing Moisturizer. Rebalancing moisturizer? Would this cream make me out of balance (insert mental health joke of your choosing here)? So I brought the cream home and late Saturday night after everyone went to bed – because really, I don’t need the hubs or the kids making comments about the thick white cream on my face – I washed my face and applied the cream of death to my stache area.

OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOUDA THE BURNING!! MAKE THE BURNING STOP!!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS BEAUTIFUL AND HAIRLESS MAKE. IT. STOP!!!!!!

Had I known beforehand that I was applying nuclear sludge to my face, I might not have it applied it so thickly, but the directions said to apply a THICK line of cream, so I did. Did I wipe the sludge from my lip when the burning started? Hell no. I wanted the hair gone and if burning it away is what it took, then so be it. I left the cream on for 6 minutes, then I wiped it away with a damp cloth. The directions also said do not rub, but honestly how do you wipe it away without rubbing? I still haven’t figured that one out yet.

The Nair cream did indeed take away the fine hair from my upper lip as well as six layers of skin and some nerve endings. For the next twenty four hours, I no longer looked like Father Guido Sarducci, instead I looked like The Joker. Great. In addition to the glow of the nuclear fallout, I got one tiny blister that has crusted over just slightly. Nice. I’m all kinds of sexy right now.

I called my best-friend-forever-because-she-knows-too-much-about-me Dinah and she immediately chastised me for not letting a professional handle this. She prefers waxing, but one time in college we tried waxing our legs and let me tell you, it will be a cold day in hell before I let that happen again. That stuff hurts! I may just have to suck it up though and let Tanya, my hair stylist, take over all-things-beauty because I just can’t go through this torture again. I mean really, why does it have to hurt so bad to be a teensy bit beautiful?

So I am done with Nair. Next time I go get my hair cut, I will shyly and quietly ask Tonya to please also wax my upper lip. I just hope my screaming doesn’t alarm the other patrons. And I hope the people in hell have jackets.

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11 thoughts on “The adventures of Girlstache

  1. Your are soooo funny. I use that same “dark like man” cream and thankgoodness – only had one incident with blistering (I use it for my goatee . . .. upper lip and chin . . . love getting older!). A&D ointment works like a dream afterwards.

  2. Oh man, that’s funny!
    Being 1/2 Sicilian, I know all too well the various ways of removing and camouflaging the dark hair. Nair is evil and should be destroyed.
    Waxing the lip is your best bet. It only hurts for a second, really…unless you have sensitive skin like me, in which case your lip will be red and itchy for about 2 hours. But it’s better than the burning and blisters you get from Nair!

  3. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for writing about your experience! While I’m definitely not “dark like man,” I’ve been feeling “bewhiskered like goat” on the upper lip and chin area lately…especially the chin area…and I was debating: Nair or waxing? Now I think I have my answer.

  4. I’m so glad that “dark like man” is sweeping the nation. Thank you for helping spread it, there, Mr. Kotter. (Okay, really, I’m sure you don’t look like Mr. Kotter. You are light like woman.)

  5. See now, if you were pale and Germanic like me, no cream required. Of course, with that you also get to have no eyebrows, short pale eyelashes, and a tummy as white as something that lives under a rock, but at least pencilling on eyebrows isn’t painful!

    I’m all for leaving the trickier beauty routines to the professionals. If it hurts/looks funny you have someone to blame besides yourself.

    • Ah, but that’s the funny thing – I AM pale and Germanic! At least half of me is anyway, the other half is native american indian – you should have seen the stache my grandma had!! So I get the best of both worlds – fish belly white skin with dark hair in all the wrong places. Nice.

  6. Jill, you don’t ever have to think again about growing up to be as funny as June. I was laughing and cringing before you ever got to the
    ‘OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOUDA THE BURNING!! MAKE THE BURNING STOP!!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS BEAUTIFUL AND HAIRLESS MAKE. IT. STOP!!!!!!’
    line. Don’t ask me how I know how Nair feels. And honestly, I was really hoping as I read along that they had changed the formula in the last 20 years. But alas…I really was feeling bad for you even as I cackled uncontrollably. I’m still laughing about your description of looking like the joker instead of Father Guido Sarduchi.

    My personal solution is to only have friends and acquaintances that are legally blind. I am sure I look ‘light like woman’ to all of them.

  7. Remington makes an epilator that rocks. If you recall back to the 80’s there was a wonderful little machine called the Epilady, which I loved and ended up acquiring 3 because various people tried, and subsequently threw them across the room. The current Remington version is smaller and acts like a rotating head of tweezers, sounds scary, but it’s a dream. It’s not a pain like waxing, mainly because you don’t have to deal with the wax. Not to mention the hair grows back finer, and if you do it consistently it barely hurts.
    I’m not “dark like man” I’m blond like peach, and if I get even a slight tan I look like I rolled in something fuzzy.
    Hubby was nice enough to sign me up for entire body laser hair removal, but that’s gonna take forever…and I can’t tweeze or epilate anymore. So now I’m prickly like cactus, instead of fuzzy like peach.

  8. Juice

    Oh you are cracking me up. Great post.

    I can’t remember the last time I used Nair, but I never remember it burning my legs. I guess facial skin is so much more sensitive….

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