Finally!

Every once in a while, things just fall into place the right way, and last night was one of those times.

Usually, I get home from work around 4pm. I kick around for an hour or so, have a snack and watch a little Oprah, then think about starting dinner. We typically eat dinner about 6:30, and then comes the usual cleaning, helping with homework, laundry, etc etc etc. If I’m lucky, I’ll have a half hour window of opportunity to work out, but honestly I don’t try very hard to make that window.

Yesterday however was different. All day long I fought the mental battle – I’m sure you know the one I mean. I gave myself lots of pep talks and lots of mental tough-love because the old tapes have been playing in my head for the last couple of weeks (“why can’t I get this right?” “Why do you have to be so lazy all the time?” “You are going to end up gaining back all the weight you lost”) and when that happens, I know it’s time to give myself a slap in the face and tell myself to “SNAP OUT OF IT” a la Cher in Moon Struck.

I had logged all of my calories, so I knew that I wouldn’t have enough cals left for my usual “after school snack” AND dinner, so I decided to go ahead and start dinner as soon as I got home from work because I was really hungry. Dinner was ready by 5pm and I didn’t even eat as much as my eyes thought I wanted, so I stayed right at my allotted cals for the day. After doing a couple of chores around the house, I told myself that I would work out at 7pm. I really didn’t want to, and everything in my PMS-riddled body screamed for the couch and some cookies, but I forced (FORCED I say!) myself to get on the elliptical for 30 minutes. It was hard and it hurt and I hated every minute of it. I even thought of throwing in the towel with only 7 minutes left, but I hung in there, sweat dripping from my bangs, thighs screaming from the automatically increasing resistance, and I finished. I finished and I swear I felt like I had just moved an entire mountain. I felt tough; I felt avenged – “Take that, PMS!!!” I felt like I had flipped the bird to all that negative self talk and self-loathing of late. Yes, for that brief and shining moment, I was the bad ass who won the battle.

I feel 100% better today, and I know that I can keep going. I can’t let myself get away with excuses anymore. My high school reunion is 3 months away, and I have been so afraid that I would gain back all my weight before then, but I know that I can prove myself wrong. I may not be at my goal weight by then, but I know that I can lose at least 10 pounds before then, which would put me back at my lowest weight of 153. And it’s not even for the reunion – that’s just a tangible deadline – it’s more to tell the Doubting Thomas in my head (whose voice sounds amazingly similar to my mother’s) that I can do it.

I have a calendar on my desk that has inspirational quotes for working women. As soon as I finished writing this post, I turned my calendar to today’s date. Today’s quote is right in line with my post for today:

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far.
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit,
It’s when things seem worst,
That you must not quit.

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