This has been kind of a tough week. This has also been the week of nonstop chocolate. Chocolate candy bars, chocolate cake, chocolate ice cream…All chocolate All the time.

 

I’m scared.

 

One of my supervisors, whom I adore by the way, uses the phrase “moving forward” a lot, as in “Moving forward, let’s get those reports in before the end of the month” or “I know we did it that way in the past, but moving forward, I would like it to be done this way.”  I’ve heard Vicki say several times that she stops reading bloggers who aren’t moving forward in regards to making healthy changes.  This phrase – moving forward – has been plaguing me all week.  It’s like a short commercial jingle that gets stuck in your head – all day long you’re singing “Byyyyy Mennen” (thank you Jerry Seinfeld) or something like that.  It’s almost as if my gut is telling me, “You need to think about this and decide if you want to move forward or backward” because lately my actions are mimicking the actions of two years ago when I gained 25 pounds in a short amount of time.

 

I don’t want to go back there. It’s a dark and scary place.

 

I was watching Oprah yesterday and Suzanne Somers was on talking about hormones and menopause and such and she mentioned something about “it’s the quality of our lives we’re talking about here”. That phrase struck me and as I stood there in front of the television, I thought to myself, “my quality of life right now sucks.  I’m tired, I’m bitchy, and I feel like crud.  I don’t want to this to be the quality of my life.”  I realized that what I have been eating lately has everything to do with how I feel.  If I eat crap, I’m going to feel like crap.  What’s so frustrating is that I KNOW THIS. I’ve known it for two years now, but how many times do I have go through this before I finally get it???  How long do I have to keep beating my head against a wall before I can stop myself and say “if I beat my head against this wall I’m going to have a headache – I should probably stop doing that”????  That’s what moving forward means to me: not only recognizing that I can’t eat junk all the time,  but also having the presence of mind to say, ‘don’t even start – you know where this road leads” whenever I think junk will make it all better.

I know we all have slip ups, and I’m not talking about those times when you want a brownie because your friend is having one. I’m talking about having a brownie (or two or three) everyday for a week (or a month) because you just don’t give a damn and everything else is so hard, and “why shouldn’t I have one – it’s been a hard week and I deserve it”.  Then I finally regain consciousness and am so pissed at myself for once again going down the road to sugar hell and having nothing but a few extra pounds to show for it.  When will I get it that this is FOR LIFE?  Living a healthy, active life does not include plowing through a bag of Doritos, washing it down with a milkshake, and having a Snickers chaser every time you have a bad day!!!  I’ve even come up with a term for this behavior: destructive eating.  It destroys what I have worked so hard to build up – my weight loss, my self esteem, my confidence, all in the space of a few days.

I decided last night that I’m done with the destructive eating.  The weather is supposed to be very nice this weekend and I hope to get in a run and, God-willing, my Jillian Michaels dvd will be delivered.  I know that a good workout or two will do wonders for my attitude and my appetite.  I don’t want to slide backwards or stay stuck where I am right now.  I want to move forward.  I want to keep moving forward.