Grow up already!

My 3 day weekend was not so great y’all.  Oh, nothing terrible happened or anything like that, but my state of mind was one that I thought I had conquered a long time ago.  I went to my weigh-in on Friday certain that I was down to 151, maybe even 150 – I was feeling confident and just a tad bit cocky.  Imagine my surprise when the scale read 153.  What????   I felt like I had been blind sided or sucker punched – I was in disbelief.

 

And then it began – the slippery slope. All those bad habits that I thought I had overcome?  Not so much. 

 

I had a great salad for lunch but all the while I was still trying to figure out what happened.  It was almost as if I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t lost any pounds. It was weird. I had this defiant, pissed off feeling all day and then around 4 o’clock, I gave in to the dark side and dove head first into a giant box of Lucky Charms and did not come up for air until I had consumed, not one, not two, not even three, but FOUR BOWLS OF LUCKY F*CKING CHARMS!!!!  And so, I thought, “well hell, since I’m on the destructive roller coaster to Fat-ass Hell, I might as well have a fajita for dinner with about a thousand chips on the side” and then I went to bed feeling bloated and sick, berating  myself for  a) not losing weight,  b) eating so much and  c)  berating myself. 

 

And then it happened…the thing that had not happened since I was a kid.  The pain, oh, the pain.  The kind of pain that wakes you from a deep sleep and you know, YOU KNOW, that you had better get yourself to the bathroom PRONTO,  or very bad things are gonna happen.  I got out of bed and spent the next 20 minutes recalling all the Lamaze breathing techniques that I had learned 11 years ago when I was pregnant with my first child.  It was as if my stomach had said “oh so you think you can shove all that over processed, sugary-sweet crap in here and just expect to go on with your life?? I DON’T THINK SO!”  And I paid the price for my folly, oh how I paid.  

 

(Sadly, this used to happen to me a lot when I was younger.  I spent a lot of time alone and I used to eat and eat and eat until I was sick, and I would wake up in the middle of the night with horrible stomach cramps.  I did this fairly often until I left home and went to college.)

 

So of course on Saturday I straightened my act up a little bit and ate light most of the day and even got in a 20 minute power walk (it was better than nothing, even though I would have liked to have done 40 minutes).  And then Saturday night, the hubs wanted brownies…with pecans. Oh, and a frozen pizza.  And beer.  The kids were at grandma’s house and we just didn’t put a lot of thought into dinner, so we had an abundance of the above mentioned “foods”. I ate more than I should have, and that makes me so mad at myself because I know better, but I ate all that crap anyway.

 

So onto Sunday, where the self-sabotaging continued – yep, that’s right my friends, I let the carnage go on for another day.  It didn’t really start until the afternoon, and I really didn’t eat that much, but my choices were less than stellar.  Cheetos, more pizza, cookies, and Snoballs were the norm for yesterday’s nosh. Once again I went to bed last night feeling horrible, but with the thought that it’s time to grow up and start being responsible in my choices.  My weekend binge was one of a defiant child who ate out of spite.  Let’s face it, I haven’t been a child for a long, long time, so why do I think I get to act like one when it comes to food?  I hate how I felt all weekend, and I don’t understand why I went off the deep end like I did.  I really thought I had most of my food issues under control, but this just shows me that they are right under the surface and it doesn’t take much for them to come bubbling up into existence. For at least 7 of the last 9 months, I have really worked on changing my eating habits, but the last 2 months I have felt myself sliding back again and not making as much of an effort as I should.  I’m going to the store today to stock up on some healthier foods that I like, and want to focus on making healthy meals for the rest of the week (with Thursday being the exception) because I realize now just how easy it will be to gain all the weight I have lost.  And I cannot let that happen.

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11 thoughts on “Grow up already!

  1. Did you just crawl into my head? Because I’ve been there, done that, so many times it’s not even funny. Right down to the multiple bowls of cereal (and damn, now I want Lucky Charms) to having to run to the bathroom.

    I think, that this is all part of the process. Yes, you conquered your demons, but it doesn’t mean they don’t know where you live. It’s a battle we’ll be fighting for a long time. Maybe not forever–some of Us have gotten to the point where it’s no longer a fight (like Vickie and MizFit).

    The key, for us now, is to stay accountable to each other, to be honest when you slip like you’ve done here, to not keep your head buried in the sand when things are going wrong, and then to get back on track as soon as humanly possible. And, most of all, to forgive yourself, and be gentle with yourself, just like you would a good friend.

    You’re gonna be alright. You’re not going to gain back all your weight. Take a breath. Take another power walk. And keep fighting the good fight.

    Smooches.

  2. Be gentle with yourself…it’s progress, not perfection. You have come a loooonnnngggg way and so you had a little slip. Get back to basics and move forward. You can do it—you ARE doing it 🙂

  3. Honestly, Jill, I don’t know how any of you guys do this with a house full of tempting food for all the other people. I know I couldn’t do it.

    Have a great Thanksgiving!

  4. Oh yeah I can relate to this post! It’s hard, but the key is don’t beat yourself up too bad and get back on track. A bad day or three for that matter doesn’t undo all of the good you have done until now. A minor setback, learn from it and move on. I only wish I could heed my own advice!

  5. Hey Jill, I’ve been reading this blog forever but i’ve never commented. But seriously this post could have been written about me. I thought I had been losing consistent weight for the last two weeks only to discover my scale was broken. I fixed it and realized my actual weight was TEN pounds more than I thought. And because of that, for the last week I have been eating crap and binging like i haven’t since before I started losing weight.

    Thank you so much for this post. I know I’m not alone and I need to put on my big-girl pants and get back on track. 🙂

  6. Compassion, compassion, compassion, compassion my friend! Can you be gentle and kind with yourself even when you screw up? That has been the biggest challenge for me with my sugar binging. Only when I love and accept myself even at my worst can I feel empowered to make positive changes. After that, it’s a matter of setting up the structure and giving yourself the tools you need to prevent the sugar binging. Remember: self destructive habits like overeating are not a character flaw. They’re a matter of skills: if you knew better, you would choose differently. So be kind to yourself as you work on giving yourself the skills you need so that you CAN choose differently. And you’re already doing that, by stocking your home with healthy food choices. See, you’re learning!

    I’m proud of you.

    Love,
    Karly

  7. Hi Britt!! I love it when lurkers come out of hiding!!! 🙂

    Karly! I’ve missed you! And thank you so much for your words, I really appreciate them!

    Actually thank all of you for bolstering my spirits and letting me know I’m not the only one who can crash and burn with flair! I appreciate each and every comment more than you all know! 🙂

    Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

  8. Oh can I relate to the late night toilet shift. That is the worst, and all I can do is blame myself. You’d think I’d learn, but I keep making that mistake.

    You are normal and this is just a slip. You can get back on track and YOU WILL. Start thinking about that victory post you plan on writing. I can’t wait to read it!

  9. Hi, hope this comment gets through I’m still pretty new to this whole blogging thing.
    nice post! I discovered your blog while
    searching for other people’s weight loss stories. I’ve actually just started blogging about
    my weight loss success story – I lost over 30 pounds in a month
    with a diet I developed!

    I would really appreciate it if you could stop by my weight loss blogand let me know what you think.
    Warmest wishes,
    -Joan

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