My 3 day weekend was not so great y’all. Oh, nothing terrible happened or anything like that, but my state of mind was one that I thought I had conquered a long time ago. I went to my weigh-in on Friday certain that I was down to 151, maybe even 150 – I was feeling confident and just a tad bit cocky. Imagine my surprise when the scale read 153. What???? I felt like I had been blind sided or sucker punched – I was in disbelief.
And then it began – the slippery slope. All those bad habits that I thought I had overcome? Not so much.
I had a great salad for lunch but all the while I was still trying to figure out what happened. It was almost as if I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t lost any pounds. It was weird. I had this defiant, pissed off feeling all day and then around 4 o’clock, I gave in to the dark side and dove head first into a giant box of Lucky Charms and did not come up for air until I had consumed, not one, not two, not even three, but FOUR BOWLS OF LUCKY F*CKING CHARMS!!!! And so, I thought, “well hell, since I’m on the destructive roller coaster to Fat-ass Hell, I might as well have a fajita for dinner with about a thousand chips on the side” and then I went to bed feeling bloated and sick, berating myself for a) not losing weight, b) eating so much and c) berating myself.
And then it happened…the thing that had not happened since I was a kid. The pain, oh, the pain. The kind of pain that wakes you from a deep sleep and you know, YOU KNOW, that you had better get yourself to the bathroom PRONTO, or very bad things are gonna happen. I got out of bed and spent the next 20 minutes recalling all the Lamaze breathing techniques that I had learned 11 years ago when I was pregnant with my first child. It was as if my stomach had said “oh so you think you can shove all that over processed, sugary-sweet crap in here and just expect to go on with your life?? I DON’T THINK SO!” And I paid the price for my folly, oh how I paid.
(Sadly, this used to happen to me a lot when I was younger. I spent a lot of time alone and I used to eat and eat and eat until I was sick, and I would wake up in the middle of the night with horrible stomach cramps. I did this fairly often until I left home and went to college.)
So of course on Saturday I straightened my act up a little bit and ate light most of the day and even got in a 20 minute power walk (it was better than nothing, even though I would have liked to have done 40 minutes). And then Saturday night, the hubs wanted brownies…with pecans. Oh, and a frozen pizza. And beer. The kids were at grandma’s house and we just didn’t put a lot of thought into dinner, so we had an abundance of the above mentioned “foods”. I ate more than I should have, and that makes me so mad at myself because I know better, but I ate all that crap anyway.
So onto Sunday, where the self-sabotaging continued – yep, that’s right my friends, I let the carnage go on for another day. It didn’t really start until the afternoon, and I really didn’t eat that much, but my choices were less than stellar. Cheetos, more pizza, cookies, and Snoballs were the norm for yesterday’s nosh. Once again I went to bed last night feeling horrible, but with the thought that it’s time to grow up and start being responsible in my choices. My weekend binge was one of a defiant child who ate out of spite. Let’s face it, I haven’t been a child for a long, long time, so why do I think I get to act like one when it comes to food? I hate how I felt all weekend, and I don’t understand why I went off the deep end like I did. I really thought I had most of my food issues under control, but this just shows me that they are right under the surface and it doesn’t take much for them to come bubbling up into existence. For at least 7 of the last 9 months, I have really worked on changing my eating habits, but the last 2 months I have felt myself sliding back again and not making as much of an effort as I should. I’m going to the store today to stock up on some healthier foods that I like, and want to focus on making healthy meals for the rest of the week (with Thursday being the exception) because I realize now just how easy it will be to gain all the weight I have lost. And I cannot let that happen.