Okay, so I was talking myself into walking on the treadmill last night because I ate a cup of chocolate covered raisins and FitDay told me that equaled 741 calories – EGADS!!! I figured, great I’ll just walk it off no problem! I did 30 minutes at 3.0 mph for 1.5 miles. I figured just the effort to get on the treadmill would burn about 6000 calories, so I did my time, and went straight to the computer to log in my activity. FD told me that I had burned…82 calories. WHAT???? 82 measly calories is all I got from my work out? Are you kidding me here???? Then I reminded myself that I am not working out to lose weight, so the amount of calories I burned is irrelevant. So I had to ask myself, what did I get out of that workout? Well, I got to listen to some great music, I got out of my “I don’t wanna move” rut, and at bedtime I wasn’t sleepwalking towards my bed which allowed the hub and I to have an interesting conversation. I built up some muscle and had some “me” time. So actually I got a lot out of my piddley 82- calorie- burning- work out. Had I been focusing solely on the calorie burnage, I would have been bummed and probably would have just chucked the whole exercise thing out the window, but now I realize I have lots of reasons to continue. So tonight I will begin week 4 of c25k and hope I don’t stroke out trying to run for 5 whole minutes!! If you don’t hear from me tomorrow – you’ll know why.
     I walked into the bedroom last night to get ready for bed and the hub was watching Oprah (that in itself was weird), but Oprah was talking to 4 people who ranged from moderately overweight to severely obese. I didn’t see the whole show, but we got to talking about how healthy these people were and my husband made the comment that it would be really hard to go through life being that heavy and having all those health problems. I replied “yeah, but you don’t have to be a size 4 to be healthy and acceptable.” His reply to that was, “I know. I just wish you would realize it.” What did he mean by that do you think? This comment has been rolling around in my head since then. Could it be that I don’t have to be perfect to be loveable? Could it be that I am just as acceptable to him at a size 16 as I would be at a size 4? I have felt so guilty because I have been this size since I had my son a year after we got married. The hub had a thin wife for about 8 months before I really started packing on the pounds. That’s the last time I was in single digit clothing. So as far as he is concerned I have always been overweight. I guess I have never really accepted myself as fat, so I didn’t think he did either. I wish I could give him the thin girl he married, but it seems the harder I try, the fatter she gets. The more I think about this the more uncomfortable I get, so I’m going to fall head first into my avoidance issue and maybe think about this some more later. I don’t like feeling uncomfortable.

  One thought on “Acceptable

  1. January 15, 2008 at 3:07 pm

    Jill, I think we are twins. Same thing – hubby had a size 8 wife for about a nanosecond before getting pregnant with 11 year old. I have never been smaller than a 12 and that only lasted a few days.

    As far as FitDay is concerned, they are too conservative with calories burned. My treadmill tells me one thing, and FitDay calculates way way lower.

    Good luck tonight on week 4. I think you are doing great.

  2. January 15, 2008 at 3:46 pm

    Thanks Alecia – I checked my calories burned on Yahoo Health and it said I burned 124 cals, so I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll just split the difference!!

  3. zombie z
    January 15, 2008 at 4:01 pm
  4. January 16, 2008 at 7:50 pm

    Girl, I did the same thing “to” my husband. He married a skinny girl and then promptly got a fat wife. For 12 years. And it was a real issue in our marriage, even before we had kids. We had to go to marriage counseling for him to deal with it. THAT, my friend, is a soul destroying kind of thing–to have to make your husband realize he’s being a prick because he doesn’t want to be married to a fat girl. But basically that’s what happened, and we stayed together and then had kids, and for 12 years he had a size 16/18 wife.

    Now, here I am back to what I weighed when we got married, and he’s happy about it, to be sure, and I’m extremely happy about it, but all our problems sure aren’t gone (go see my post today on my blog–I’m a freaking wreck). I must admit, though, that finally shedding the pounds feels great. But now I’m in this utterly frightening position of having to maintain it.

    ANYWAY, there will come a time–it may have already happened–when you have the mental energy to MAKE IT HAPPEN for real and then it will. And you’ll be back to the skinny wife. And it will take constant vigilence to stay there. And we can definitely do it–we really can!

    Yeah, walking doesn’t do enough calorie burning unless you do it for hours. That’s why I started running. I don’t have 90 minutes to walk on a treadmill every day. So keep up the C25K program, and commit to running as a lifestyle. Become a runner, and you’ll become a skinny girl.

    Hope your daughter is doing okay!

  5. January 16, 2008 at 11:46 pm

    Laura you are just the best!! I was sitting here looking for my running mojo wondering where in the heck it went when I read your comment. Once again I am inspired to keep going!

    We are taking M to a neurologist next Tuesday – he wants to do a sleep deprived EEG on her. The only problem with that is that when she is sleep deprived, she is CRANKY!! After all, she is two!! So that should be an interesting day – should also make for an interesting blog story!

    I hope your days are going better and maybe that nasty virus will get the heck out of Dodge soon! I hear ya on the husband thing – sometimes I forget just how helpless they really can be at times! Hang in there girl!

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