Yesterday I did another 15 minutes on the treadmill – I think I’m on a hot streak! I really wanted to go faster and longer, but more than that, I really don’t want to go ALL OUT!! and then fizzle after a few days like I have in the past. So I forced myself to do only 15 minutes and go sorta slow. After the treadmill, my newfound inertia led me to clean my kitchen and pick up a little around the house. So I guess it’s true what they say, “a body in motion” and all. I have heard that exercise gives you more energy, which to me seems kind of backward. Exerting energy gives you more energy? Huh? Anyway, I’m not going to question it, I’m just going to accept it for what it is. I’m so tired of being tired all the time, so I hope working out will help. That is the main reason I want to get fit – I need more energy. I probably won’t get any treadmill time today but I figure all that trick or treating
that I my kids will be doing tonight will give me plenty of walking time! And speaking of Halloween, I’m strangely calm about it. Usually I freak out about the flood of candy that spills onto my living room floor about 8 pm. Typically I am on a diet at this time of year and have to battle the angel and devil on my shoulders – the angel telling me to be a “good girl” and not partake of the creamy milk chocolatey goodness, but then the devil usually wins out and I dive head first into my kids trick or treat bags. This year, though, I’m not dieting and so I’m not freaking out. I’ll probably pick the M&M’s out of my son’s bag (he doesn’t like M&M’s – he’s a freak of nature), and I’ll eat a couple and be done with it. At least that’s what I’m hoping will happen…we’ll see.
The intent of this blog was originally to talk about intuitive eating and such, but I find that talking about food just makes me crazy, and I have been thinking a lot about exercise and how I really need to do some. So I have decided to change the focus of this blog from food to fitness, hence the changed title of the blog. This is the place where I will hold myself accountable and express my thoughts and frustrations about getting fit. So here goes…
Day 1 – Sunday 10/28/07 I decide that I need to start slow so as not to burn out and quit my new endeavor entirely, so I got my work out clothes on and went out to the dreadmill, I mean treadmill, and I looked at it, then I turned around and went back into the living room. A victory? You betcha! The fact that I took the time just to put on my work out gear was a huge success for me.
Day 2 – Monday 10/29/07 After work, I came home, puttered around the house, put on my work out clothes and went out to the treadmill in the garage. This time I actually GOT ON! Woo-hoo! And yes, I walked a few minutes. Fifteen to be exact. Fifteen slow minutes at 2.5 miles per hour. BABY STEPS! That’s my mantra these days, because slow and steady wins the race, right? RIGHT? That’s what I’m hoping anyway.
Day 3 – Tuesday 10/30/07
Here’s what I want to accomplish over the next few weeks:
10/28-11/3 – walk 15 minutes per day
11/4-11/10 – walk 20 minutes per day
11/11-11/17 – start Couch2 5k plan, walk on opposite days of plan
11/18-11/24 – continue C25k
After this, I’ll see how things are going and then make whatever adjustments I think I need.
This has been a hellish week. Everyone in my family has been sick with a stomach virus and I am tired. After being extremely nauseated for a couple of days and eating very little, I saw that I lost 4 pounds, and I thought, “wow, if I just continue to not eat, then I could lose more weight” – sick, isn’t it? Of course I knew that it was just water weight and would come right back when my appetite came back, but still… so I ate as little as possible for the next two days and guess what? I didn’t lose any more weight. Two things are going here: 1) I am disturbed that I wanted to even take one step down that road of not eating to lose weight, because eating is one of the things that brings me great pleasure, and 2) my body knew better than I what it needed, and when I tried to make it do something different, it rebelled against my stupidity. My appetite came back with a vengeance last night and I ate way too much, but now I feel like the pendulum is swinging a little more slowly today. I am positive that I have gained back those 4 pounds, but I didn’t weigh myself today, I just didn’t want to.
This is the thought that has been banging around in my brain lately – “I am so sick of thinking about my weight and everything related to it.” I think about my weight CONSTANTLY. Every time I see myself in the mirror, every time I want to go shopping, every time I see someone I know, I think about how I need to lose weight. Obsessing about my weight is my hobby, it’s my passion. It’s the thing that consumes my thoughts for about 80% of the day. Why? Why does this have to be the thing that guides me? Why can’t I be as concerned with the real tragedies in the world, like Darfur, or AIDS, or any one of a million serious problems in the world? Why do I wrap myself up in my own petty concerns? You want to know the irony to this? The only time I’m not thinking about my weight: when I’m eating. WTF? When I’m eating, I’m oblivious to everything going on around me. So what do I do about my weight obsession? Nothing. I don’t exercise, I don’t meditate, I don’t do anything but read more diet books. I intend to do something, yet I can’t seem to ever do anything. WHY IS MY BRAIN FUNCTIONING LIKE THIS??? Can anyone tell me if this is normal thinking or am I really kinda crazy like I think I am? I feel like I have covered this before in this blog, but it keeps coming up for me. Any insight would be really appreciated because I don’t know what the hell is going on.
Sorry for my lack of post these last few days – work has been insane and life outside of work has been crazy, but I am determined to post SOMETHING today. My new hero over at BABble has declared Fridays to be Milkshake Day. Go here to check out your license to eat any tasty thing you want today. I shall partake of the milkshake and enjoy every single slurp!
Buyer Beware – last weekend I bought some Meadow Gold yogurt (vanilla lite no sugar added) and when my daughter opened it, instead of yogurt she found a cupful of bleach! I called the store manager and the FDA and was told by both that this sort of thing happens all the time. WHAT??? The attitude of both of these extremely nice men was that this is no big deal and that everyone should check their groceries carefully. I’m not so much shocked at the bleachy yogurt as I am at the laissez faire attitude regarding my bleachy yogurt. The moral of the story is if your yogurt looksand smells like your swimming pool or your laundry, you probably don’t want to eat it. PS. I still haven’t heard from anyone from Meadow Gold – thanks MG you rock!!
Why is it there are no khaki pants out there that will fit me??? If I can find a pair of jeans that fit, you would think there would be some khakis that would fit this curvy body of mine, but no!! I have tried on 20 pairs of pants and have yet to find one pair that isn’t so low on the waist that I give carpenter crack every time I sneeze. It’s quite depressing…
I am realizing that I am an all or nothing thinker – either I’m on a diet, or I’m not. Either I’m gaining weight, or I’m losing weight. I really wish I could just bring it all into balance. Black and white is a hard way to live. Okay, that’s all I can think of for today. Now go enjoy your milkshakes (or whatever you tasty choice is)!!
I’m feeling oddly curious about my some of my behaviors this week, not sure exactly what to make of them. They are uncharacteristic of me and I am wondering if change is afoot. The other night I had kind of a funky tummy (inside, not out) and wanted something comforting for dinner: chicken noodle soup. Not Campbell’s, mine. Paired with some mini-croissants from the grocery store, my soup tasted fantastic and just exactly what I needed. Its warm noddle-y goodness wrapped around me like grandma’s quilt and I felt so much better. But here’s the alarming thing, I stopped at one bowl. Do you need to re-read that? I stopped! Because I was finished! I was satisfied with the soup, and I wanted to save room for the chocolate pie I bought at my son’s insistence (crazy insane insistence!). Normally, I would eat cns to maximum capacity, but that night, I didn’t want more. I KNOW! Amazing right?! So anyway, I get my smallish piece of pie and bite into it and OMGosh what the hell is in that????? It was like no other pie I have ever eaten and I don’t mean that in a good way. I took one more bite just to be sure (I’ve always been one to give second chances), and yep, still disgusting. So you know what I did? I THREW THE PIE IN THE TRASH. Major major breakthrough for me. And the really interesting thing was that I didn’t even really think about it at the time, I just kind of did it. Maybe IE really is starting to become intuitive for me. Strange occurrence numero 2: I made an attempt at yoga last night, and surprisingly, I was not the bumbling buffoon I thought I would be. I DVRed Namaste Yoga from FitTV and when I got home from work, I shooed the kids outside and started in. It was relaxing and energizing at the same time. I really like it and I felt good, except when my 7yo daughter came in with her friend so they could gawk at mom doing some “yogurt”. I quickly told them to go back outside and mind their own business, and I continued. Where’s the strange occurrence you may ask? Well the fact that I did yoga or any other kind of exercise is strange for me. Oh, I go in fits and starts, but I’ve never found anything that I wanted to stick with, mainly because the only things I have tried have been walking on the treadmill and a short stint at jogging. So this is really different for me, but I think I may do it again and see how I like it. And finally the strangest of all: Someone brought donuts to work this morning. Not a big deal, but in my dieting days it would have sent me into a panic because I would have really really wanted one, but denied myself, and then had three. In my pre-dieting days, I would have probably 4 and then felt awful from the sugar rush and subsequent crash. But today, I had already eaten a very tasty and filling fried egg sandwich (it’s a southern thing), and so I wasn’t hungry. Pre IE that wouldn’t have stopped me from having one, but I thought about it and thought about it some more and I decided the donut could not taste better than my sandwich, so I DECLINED the donut. Yep, I walked away. It’s really a strange and uncomfortable feeling to do the opposite of what I have done for so long, but somehow strange and uncomfortable feel okay right now. I know, nothing earth-shattering or anything, just small but very significant steps to freeing myself from so much…mind clutter. That’s what dieting was to me – clutter. Something that was always in the way, but I never could do anything with it. So, I’m giving myself a pat on the back and a “you rock” for my tiny steps forward – yay me!
I ran across this while doing a web search for “body acceptance”. I’m not sure how I feel about this article. On the one hand, it promotes body acceptance and explains that loving our bodies unconditionally is beneficial to a happier existence. But all of that is wrapped up with in the confines of losing weight. It is written by Jorge Cruise, who has several diet and exercise books on the market, so of course I expect someone like him to write about weight loss. But my problem with this article is why does it have to even mention weight loss? Why can’t it just be about accepting ourselves, as we are, today? The article gives lots of good reasons and tips on doing things to help you take care of your body, but what really bugs me is that it also represents the exact thing I am fighting myself with lately: I don’t want to lose weight under the guise of body acceptance. I don’t want losing weight to be the reason for wanting to love my body. I want to love my body and IF I happen to lose a few pounds along the way, fine, great, but if I don’t, am I suddenly going to turn against myself and start the hating all over again? I know how well that has worked in the past (that was sarcasm there) and I’m sorry, but I don’t want to go there again. I guess what I am really trying to say is that if you are loving body in the hopes that it will lead to lost inches, that isn’t really loving your body, because you WANT it to change, because if you really loved and accepted your body for all the wonderful things it can do for you, you wouldn’t care one way or the other if you lost or gained weight, right? It’s like someone telling you “don’t think of a tree”, then all you can think about it the tree! If someone says, you must first love your body before you can lose weight, all I am going to think about is losing weight, as in, “I haven’t lost any weight, therefore I must not love myself enough”. Sounds a lot like, “if I just had more willpower I wouldn’t eat a chocolate chip cookie,” doesn’t it? It starts leading me down a scary crazy road named Points Place. Am I reading too much into it? I don’t know, but I am going to be very careful in how I use IE and body acceptance from now on. Hmm, I guess I do know how I feel about this article after all.
I started this blog because in reading other blogs, I wanted to leave comments that were a page long, so I decided I need someplace to think out loud – and voila, Sassy Pear was born. My intent was to make it a place where I could talk about intuitive eating and body acceptance, because I believe these are pathways to a happier existence for me. I believe that diets do not work, that exercise for weight loss is torturous, and that a woman’s beauty is reflective of what is going on inside of her. I really do believe all this – however, one day I suddenly panicked and decided I needed “A Plan” because I could not tolerate this fat any longer. I don’t know what set if off, but to be quite honest, I was scared and didn’t really believe that I was strong enough to live a life outside of the plan. So I found a plan, and was excited and felt safe again within the guidelines of a plan (notice how I carefully avoid the word “diet”. Sniff Sniff, what’s that smell? Oh yeah, that’s DENIAL). But then the old frustrations started to sneak up again – I don’t know how many calories this is, how am I going to track it? I know this cookie is going to send me over my calorie limit. I didn’t do any cardio today, or yesterday… sigh… I’m such a loser. Well, today the blogging forces are once again at work in my life, and I’m taking the hint. Thank God for these women and their phenomenal resolve to get the truth out there and run with it. I soak in the words of these messages and hope that I can actually live them. I want to be steely in my stance and not be so cowardly and run at the first sign of struggle. I am still not convinced that I am strong enough to do this, but when I think about it, I successfully tackle difficult tasks every day, so maybe there is something inside me that I can pull out to conquer this as well. So I am issuing a challenge to myself: for the rest of October, I am going to immerse myself in all the body acceptance blogs and resources I can find. I am going to find one thing that gets me in touch with the strength of my body (I’m thinking yoga, maybe?) and I am going to go shopping and buy nice clothes that fit me NOW, because I like shopping – it makes me happy. And I am really going to make the decision to work hard at IE and not backtrack into Dietland. I will learn to love this pear shape even if it kills me!