Shear Terror

 My big bouncy swingy hair was feeling a little frazzled, so I made an appointment with my fabulous hair stylist T.  I really was going to get just a trim, but then I saw this cute picture of a hairstyle I liked (cue Jaws theme music).  I showed the pic to T and she said “Oh yeah we can do that”.  It all went downhill from there.  I tried not to squirm as more and more of my hair hit the floor, but when she finished the cutting part, I was visibly unconvinced that this was going anywhere other than to hell in a hand basket.  After much blow-drying, curling, spraying, teasing, brushing, and lots of poufing and de-poufing, T looked as defeated as my hair.  It was not good.  She even admitted that it was too short; she had cut too much off the back.  I tried to console her, all the while thinking that I resembled my 68 year old aunt Helen.  T gave me a considerable discount and I left the salon feeling less than hopeful about my new SHORT hairdo.   Mind you, I have nothing against short hair, but for me, I feel my best with shoulder length swingy hair. I feel like my great hair takes away from the fact that my azz needs its own zip code.  But now, I feel…exposed. I feel like my shield has been taken away and all that is left now is my big ol’ matronly body. I feel like a mini-van driving, mom-jeans wearing, den mother who is out of date without a clue as to the latest style.  I desperately want the cool, fun, likeable person I am on the inside to be as such on the outside as well.   This may sound shallow and stupid, considering all the serious and awful things going on in the world, but I can’t help it. I feel like my hair is the only thing I’ve going for me in the looks department and now it’s gone (insert pity party here). I know my hair will grow out with time (lots of time because my hair grows very slowly), but I’ve been trying so hard to just accept myself as I am and then I hit this huge speed bump.  All I could think was “if I was 120 pounds this would be a cute haircut, but not on someone my size, with my double chin”. I hate that I kept thinking that if I wasn’t so fat, it wouldn’t be such a big deal.  So if I am going to be honest with myself, it has nothing to do with my new haircut. It has everything to do with my weight and how I feel like it is the only thing that people will see when they look at me because my hair won’t be there to distract from it. And I am so much more than my weight. I just want other people to see that too.  Truth be told, the hair doesn’t look that bad. My husband and the guys that I work with have said that it looks really good on me, so I guess it isn’t a total disaster ( none of my girls have seen the new ‘do yet, so I don’t have any female input as of yet).  However, I will continue to mourn the loss of my bouncy swingy hair for at least the rest of the weekend, and maybe by Monday I will have a handle on it.  Oh, and if you don’t mind, please send lots of fast hair growing vibes my way. And some powerful body accepting vibes would be much appreciated as well!


One thought on “Shear Terror

  1. Hi I just found your blog (May 2010, following a trail from PastaQueen who I love) and was reading some old entries – I just so empathised with this. I was an overweight 30 something woman with great hair. Now I am an overweight 30 something woman with short hair. How did this happen. I cried and cried. I feel that I look like a man – an ugly man. My most attractive feature, just gone.
    Since you wrote this several years ago, I assume yours has grown out by now. I can only wait.

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