Remember the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters (for those of you born before 1985)? That’s how I feel today – big and cranky and destructive. I ate a whole can of Chick Peas yesterday after work and I am paying the price for it today! I feel like I have a big rock sitting in my stomach. UGH! Oh, and don’t for one minute think that’s all I ate after work, I also had 2 bowls of Honeycomb cereal…and a biscuit with butter and honey…I wonder why I feel so crappy today…hmmm. However, after my food orgy, I didn’t eat dinner because I wasn’t hungry, so I guess I can count that as a small personal victory. In my dieting days, after a binge like that I would have eaten dinner AND dessert too.
I have been reading a lot about self acceptance and such, and I am all for it. But here’s the deal – if I were big, and I took care of myself and exercised and all that, I think I could accept myself. However, I am big, I don’t take care of myself and I don’t exercise, so I am having a really hard time accepting my body the way it is, because frankly, I have treated my body horribly for the last 10 years. All this fat is my own doing, eating too much, eating for boredom, eating for happiness, eating, eating, and eating. And exercise? Well, let’s just say my people were built for comfort. I come from a long line of lounge lizards. Not necessarily lazy, but we do like our downtime! I can not think of one single athlete in my family. Not one. So who am I to become that one? That’s what I am struggling with right now. Here is a quote from the Shrink Yourself program I read today, “For most people, failure is familiar. It’s the change and successes that are frightening”. Brilliant, huh? It also reminds me of a quote my Marianne Williamson, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.” I love this! It rings so true for me. So if I decide to become that athlete, or some semblance of one, who does that make me? What would I talk about with my mom and my sister? Moving out my comfort zone is scary, and my treadmill is waaay out of my comfort zone. But I guess I need to just suck it up and do it if I want to feel good about myself. Because right now what I am doing just isn’t going to cut it.