Thinking out loud

Trying to do a little self-analysis here, mainly thinking out loud, so bear with me.

This morning I weighed in at 170 pounds*. I’ve gained back a lot of the weight in the last 6 months. I think there are 2 things contributing to this, one outside of me, the other inside of me.

Thing #1 – I have some “issues” with a coworker which started back in February. It is very awkward and uncomfortable being around this coworker and I try to avoid him as much as possible. When I am at work, I feel a low level of stress ALL THE TIME. I don’t know how to resolve this issue without quitting my job, and honestly right now I cannot afford to quit. I think this has something to do with my binge eating for the last few months and the subsequent weight gain.

Thing #2 – Working backwards here, I’ve been bingeing a lot, eating things that I normally would not touch with a ten foot pole. I feel bloated, tired, sluggish. I have a sort of attitude where food is concerned which I think can be attributed to my lack of exercise. I haven’t exercised in months.  I still think of exercise as a weight-loss activity instead of an antidepressant-mood-lifting-self-esteem-building activity. I think it would do me a world of good to sweat out the stress and anxiety I’ve been feeling – use exercise as a way to deal instead of a way to burn calories. I love yoga, but it’s not the sweaty steady movement kind of yoga, it’s more about technique and doing the poses separately.  Zumba class starts next Tuesday, but I think I might start walking or getting on the elliptical this week because I need the brain boost NOW.

I’m toying with logging my food, but that always seems to lead me into CrazyDietLand, so I’m really hesitant to do that. I”m really fighting the urge to take action NOW – jump headfirst into a PLAN! and get these pounds off. However, I want to do things differently, so I guess that means being patient and working on the emotional stuff. I do think some cardio would be good for me, so I’m going to try and do that this week.

*I’ve decided to weigh myself once a week on Mondays, yes Mondays so I can get a true assessment of just how much damage I’m doing to myself.

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Stuck in a rut

I am stuck.  Stuck in a carbolicious rut of carbs, carbs, and more carbs.  And not the good kind of carbs either, oh no.   The more carbs I eat, the more I want.  I just can’t seem to shake it.  In analyzing my problem, I’ve come up with a couple different reasons for my descent into carbhell.  #1) I think I don’t eat enough during the day so that when I come home all I want to do is eat, eat, and then eat some more.  Also (this would be #2) I can’t think of any protein-rich snacks that sound good to me.   My snacks lately consist of goldfish crackers, popcorn (the kind from the Christmas tins), and anything of the chocolate nature.   String cheese has always been my go-to protein snack, but that just doesn’t sound good to me anymore. 

I wish it was summer – during the warmer months I eat salads all the time.  And fruit…I love fruit in the summer.  During these cold winter months however,  I want hearty soups and comfort foods.  Thick rich chewy foods do it for me right now in a big way, hence the 8 pound weight gain (yeah, I just admitted that I’ve gained 8 pounds in the last 6 weeks).   I’m getting back into the workout habit, but it doesn’t do much good when I wreck all my hard work with 1,000 calorie snacks right afterward. 

Just ignore this post – I’m venting to myself. 

However, just so that this post isn’t a total waste – in case you didn’t notice, I added the progress pics page.  You can see me go from cute little thang to big mama  to somewhat normal person again.  If I don’t get my eating back in control, I’m going to be posting big mama pics again…and no one wants to see that.

Greetings from Bloatville, Population: Me

Oh my gosh I am the most bloated person ever in the history of people.  I don’t know what it is (TOM) but for some reason (TOM) I just feel so puffy.  And I can’t put my finger on why (TOM) but I just want to eat all the carbs in the world.  Something (TOM) is making me want to dive head first into a box of Goldfish crackers, and not come up for air until I have devoured every last little smiling fish.  Whatever could be wrong with me (TOM)???

 

The Priss’ first day of preschool went as expected: she cried, I cried, then she got distracted by the glitter/sand box and mommy was forgotten.  By the time I picked her up, she was all smiles and couldn’t wait to show me her papers.  Then we sang 40 verses of “If you’re happy and you know it” on our way to McD’s for a celebratory Happy Meal.  Then I spent the rest of the afternoon fighting a killer headache that came out of nowhere (TOM). 

 

It was a good day, but it made me realize how much the structure of my workday helps me to lose weight.  On a typical workday, I eat 2 eggs and 2 pieces of bacon around 7am.  Then about 9:30 I have a snack: almonds, or a protein bar.  Lunch is at 11 and usually consists of salad with grilled chicken, or a chicken salad sandwich.  I have an afternoon snack of an apple at 2 and then have another small snack at 4:30 when I get home. I do this same thing every day and I don’t get overly hungry – I’m pretty much satisfied all day.  It is a controlled environment, and I can only eat what I’ve brought for the day.

 

Yesterday however was different, but very much like the days when I was a SAHM for six years.  I wolfed down two bites of the Priss’ cereal at 8:00, then realized I was starving at 10:45, so I bought a box of protein bars at Suck Your Wallet Dry Wal-Mart, and although I really wanted to eat the whole box, I only ate one because I knew McD’s was in my near future.  At noon, we got to McD’s and I had a grilled chicken salad and practically licked the bowl clean, then had half of an apple pie. We got home about 2 and I won’t go into the details of the carnage, but let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.  I was practically ill from the carb overload.  I haven’t had a day like that in I don’t know when. I used to eat like that quite a bit, so it’s no wonder I gained weight!!  I’m glad to be back in my safe little office where the food demons can’t tempt me today.

 

I am most likely going to skip the weigh in on Thursday.  I don’t think my fragile psyche can take the disapproving sigh from the Nurse Nazi.  I call her the Nurse Nazi, but she’s really very nice, so I don’t want to disappoint her with my lack of loss.   

 

I’ve walked a couple of times this week and I have another planned for this evening, and maybe tomorrow morning too, so that will help, but I still feel puffy and oh so huge.  I’ll be glad when TOM packs his bags and gets the heck outta Dodge.