Okay, so I was talking myself into walking on the treadmill last night because I ate a cup of chocolate covered raisins and FitDay told me that equaled 741 calories – EGADS!!! I figured, great I’ll just walk it off no problem! I did 30 minutes at 3.0 mph for 1.5 miles. I figured just the effort to get on the treadmill would burn about 6000 calories, so I did my time, and went straight to the computer to log in my activity. FD told me that I had burned…82 calories. WHAT???? 82 measly calories is all I got from my work out? Are you kidding me here???? Then I reminded myself that I am not working out to lose weight, so the amount of calories I burned is irrelevant. So I had to ask myself, what did I get out of that workout? Well, I got to listen to some great music, I got out of my “I don’t wanna move” rut, and at bedtime I wasn’t sleepwalking towards my bed which allowed the hub and I to have an interesting conversation. I built up some muscle and had some “me” time. So actually I got a lot out of my piddley 82- calorie- burning- work out. Had I been focusing solely on the calorie burnage, I would have been bummed and probably would have just chucked the whole exercise thing out the window, but now I realize I have lots of reasons to continue. So tonight I will begin week 4 of c25k and hope I don’t stroke out trying to run for 5 whole minutes!! If you don’t hear from me tomorrow – you’ll know why.
I walked into the bedroom last night to get ready for bed and the hub was watching Oprah (that in itself was weird), but Oprah was talking to 4 people who ranged from moderately overweight to severely obese. I didn’t see the whole show, but we got to talking about how healthy these people were and my husband made the comment that it would be really hard to go through life being that heavy and having all those health problems. I replied “yeah, but you don’t have to be a size 4 to be healthy and acceptable.” His reply to that was, “I know. I just wish you would realize it.” What did he mean by that do you think? This comment has been rolling around in my head since then. Could it be that I don’t have to be perfect to be loveable? Could it be that I am just as acceptable to him at a size 16 as I would be at a size 4? I have felt so guilty because I have been this size since I had my son a year after we got married. The hub had a thin wife for about 8 months before I really started packing on the pounds. That’s the last time I was in single digit clothing. So as far as he is concerned I have always been overweight. I guess I have never really accepted myself as fat, so I didn’t think he did either. I wish I could give him the thin girl he married, but it seems the harder I try, the fatter she gets. The more I think about this the more uncomfortable I get, so I’m going to fall head first into my avoidance issue and maybe think about this some more later. I don’t like feeling uncomfortable.
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