About these ads

The Sassy Pear
A 40-something woman trying to lose 40-something pounds

Tag Archives: body image

Working through it

May 3, 2012

I’m not gonna lie, y’all. The last 10 days or so have been rough (in a suburban American white woman’s way).  I have not been able to get control of my eating and it is starting to wear me down, but I’ve learned a few things from the Overcoming Binge Eating ebook that has helped me work through it. One of the things suggested is to keep a journal – I’ve never kept a journal before (yeah I know this blog could be considered a journal, but mostly when I blog, it’s because I have something to tell YOU), and I’m finding that I really like it. It’s a great place to just let it all out, or to think through an idea, or whatever.  I wanted to share what I wrote in my journal this morning because it might help someone else out there.

May 3, 2012

I am having a really hard time right now. My appetite feels like it’s out of control – like I’m out of control. I hate what I’ve become. I keep asking myself if this plan is going to be any different than anything else I’ve tried. I’m starting to feel the familiar desperation that comes when I try to lose weight and it’s not going as well as I like – I hate that feeling because it fills me with anxiety. So let’s break this down – anxiety is based in fear – what do I fear? I fear that I won’t ever be able to lose this weight and I’ll just keep gaining and gaining. I don’t want to be fat for the rest of my life.

It’s at this point that I heard a little voice in my head saying “but what if this isn’t true?”

But if I counter my own argument – what if I do have what it takes to lose the weight? What if all it takes is a little time and effort – I can do that. I have that in me. I  have time – the effort does not come as easily, but then I guess it wouldn’t be called “effort” would it? I need to just relax and take it one meal at a time, one day at a time. I’ve had a rough few days, but I’m PMSing and that always makes things more difficult. I’m going to find something to help me deal with the PMS, then  I’m going to make a shopping list with good healthy foods on it (because it all begins in the shopping cart) and then I’m going to get back to training seriously for The Color Run. If I do all of these things, that will take care of the effort and the time will take care of itself.

I feel so much better and much less anxious since I was able to work through it in my journal. The quiet desperation is gone and is replaced with a quiet “I can do this” feeling. Honestly, if I hadn’t had my journal, I would still be mired in anxiety right now. I always balked at keeping a journal, but now that I see its benefits, I will continue using it.

Do any of you keep a journal outside of your blog? Does anyone else think with their pen like I do? (Seriously, I think my brain is connected to my writing hand – it doesn’t stay in there until I write it out, which is also why I can’t go to the store without a list and expect to come home with anything.)

About these ads

Posted by in Emotional Eating Tags: , , ,

6 comments

As my hair goes, so goes my day

May 2, 2012

Do you ever have those days that even before you get out of bed, you just know? You just KNOW the day is going to give you heck? I had one of those yesterday.

It was a low self esteem day right from the start and it culminated in me feeling like a greasy spot on the road of life.

It started, as any bad day does, with my hair. It just wouldn’t cooperate no matter how much mousse or how much hairspray I used. Call me shallow, but as my hair goes, so goes my day.   And then for some odd reason, I pulled a shirt out of my closet that I don’t particularly care for but I wore it anyway. This shirt is weird because some days I really like the way it fits and other days it makes me feel matronly. Guess how it made me feel this day? I would have felt sexier in a muumuu. But I was running late and chose to just deal with it.  And to top it all off, my jeans were feeling super snug thanks to a Monday night binge that I don’t even want to talk about. So here I am, with bad hair, feeling all matronly and puffy. Not a winning combination.

So I go through my day trying really hard to make the best of it (and by that I mean I tried to just ignore it). After work I took the kids up to the school for a small art show presented by the Art Club that showcases all the art the students have worked on during the year. I have to say, my son has some talent! He drew a picture of an eagle using pastels (do you draw with pastels?) and it was really very nice. Of course he could have made a finger painting and I would think it’s good. But I’m getting off track here…

After the art show we were going to meet my husband for dinner after his eye appointment, and since we got out of there earlier than I thought we would, we decided to stop by the eye doc’s place and meet Shawn there.  My eye doctor is a woman who(m) we’ve known for several years. Her husband and mine have gone fishing together in the past, my husband has done some landscaping work for them, and she’s been our eye doctor for a couple of years now, so I am very familiar with her. She is also blond, tan, in her 30s and dresses impeccably. She always looks put-together and self assured.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

And of course yesterday was no exception. My kids and I burst in the door while Shawn is getting fitted for some frames and as always the doc is warm and friendly. I notice she has lost some weight – not a lot, maybe 20 pounds or so, but she looks great.

And tan.

And blond.

Guess how I looked? Well here, let me give you a visual:

Here’s how she looked -

And here’s how I looked-

Yeah.

I wish I could tell you that my eye doctor is mean and cold and uncaring, but…she’s not. She’s a very nice person, and I’m sure she has her own issues to deal with, but yesterday she was the very thing I aspired to be, but failed to be. And I know, I know, comparing myself to others is unproductive and pointless and bad for the environment (isn’t everything?) but when you are face to face with someone who is exactly the opposite of how you are feeling? It’s hard to just let that go.

Today is a much better day already – new shampoo will do that. My hair is cooperating, my outfit is much more flattering, and I’m not nearly as puffy (thank you water and treadmill), so I’m feeling pretty good so far. I’m thinking all of the positive thoughts I can think and trying hard to leave yesterday in the past.

I know that one of these days I’ll be on the other side  - I’ll be the confident, self assured woman and someone else will play the role of greasy spot, and I hope at that time I can remember to put my arm around her and say “honey, I know how you feel”. And maybe she won’t feel so greasy then.

Anyone else ever have this experience? Is there someone in your life who makes you feel like the greasy spot? Anyone have any hair products that are fool proof?

Posted by in fitness Tags:

6 comments

The enemy within

October 27, 2010
whisper @ elvismas

Image by macwagen via Flickr

So last night I’m sitting on the couch after dinner and thinking “this would be a good time for a work out”. But instead of getting up, I just sat there.  I kept thinking that if I just did 20 minutes, I could quit and call it good. But I just sat there.  I already had a t-shirt and track pants on, so all I had to do was put my kicks on and go to the garage and do a quick 20 on the elliptical… yet the sitting continued.

Then I began to wonder why I was just sitting there and why didn’t I want to get up go fit in a quick workout.  I got very quiet and still and started listening to my thoughts. And that’s when I heard it: a very small, very subversive, almost inaudible voice way back in the dark recesses of my brain. It was whispering “you need to work out because you are a disgusting fatty. You have GOT to burn some of that fat off because, girl, you are outta control. You HAVE to do something about this now, before it really gets out of hand. You don’t deserve to eat – you need to be working out an hour every day to get your uncontrollable self under control, Fatty.”

Let me tell you, I was as surprised as you are to hear that voice. I thought I had this body image thing pretty well knocked out. Yes I know I need to lose some weight, but “Fatty”? Really?  Gaining this weight back hasn’t made me happy, but I still think I got it going on, ya know? I guess there is some part of me that is REALLY upset about the weight gain and thinks the only way to motivate me is to belittle me.

Well, I’ve got news for you “Fatty-Voice”, I don’t do so well with the beat-down. That kind of talk? Makes want to dig in my heels and not do a damn thing (hence the couch-sitting).

I do however, respond very well to kindness and compassion. If you flatter me and tell me that I am super-awesome? I’d probably do 45 minutes on the elliptical for you just to prove you right.  I always kind of thought that affirmations, mantras, and chanting were a little too “woowoo” for me, but I think it’s time to pull out the big guns and tell FattyVoice to shut the hell up. I’m not putting up with that sh*t.

Here’s my ammo:

Working out 3x per week for 20-30 minutes is perfectly fine for right now. You can always add in more time later if you want. You don’t have to do anymore than that.

No need for restricting your food – just eat a little bit less today than you did yesterday. Try to throw in some veggies a few times a day too if you think about it.

You are super-awesome. Own it.


Anything else I should add to that?

 

 

Posted by in fitness Tags: ,

7 comments

BuhBye Funkytown, hello body image talk

February 17, 2010

I’m feeling much better today. I drank 6 glasses of water yesterday, which is lower than my planned goal, but also more than I had been drinking over the weekend, plus I got in 23 minutes on the elliptical last night. Woohoo!! I really needed that cardio last night, and I was bound and determined that I would NOT bring Jillian into the picture, so I got in as many minutes on the elliptical as I could and I claimed those 23 minutes as a Small Personal Victory.  Yay!

This was me after my workout!

Those crazy folks over at iChange are doing some experimenting and I offered to be a lab rat.  They are letting me have my own group on iChange!!  I’ll get more details later, but in a couple of weeks you can join me on iChange and I will hold your hand and help you get a jump start on eating better/losing weight.  It’s a simple program, but it will be tons of fun – so keep it in mind and when I know more, I’ll let you know more.  :)

My kitchen is 90% finished – we just have to do tile the kitchen floor. I had planned on showing you all pictures on Monday, but “the funk that would not die” kind of overtook anything I wanted to do. I’ll get my kitchen tidied up and take some pics and hopefully post them on Friday. Hopefully.

 We had a good discussion on the iChange forums yesterday about body image (started by me). I don’t know why, but it amazes me that we as women are still so hard on ourselves.  It’s taken me 3 years of exploring and trial and error, but I finally feel like I’m mostly over my body-hate.  Sure, there are still days when I wish I had Cindy Crawford’s legs, but really, I’m fine with what I’ve got. I think it’s because now I’m working from a place of health and strength, and not so much from vanity.  I’ve still got 20 pounds to go, and I might decide once I get there, that I want to go for another 10 (I doubt it, but who knows?), but if I didn’t lose another pound, I think I’d be okay as long as I was building up and toning up my muscles. Maybe it’s just a part of getting older, but whatever it is, it’s a nice place to be. I spent WAY too much time bashing my body and filling my head and heart with thoughts of self-hatred.  I just don’t have the time or the energy to do that anymore, and I’m much happier for it. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t just flip a switch and turn all the negative thoughts off – it took me a long time to get to this place. I took an online course about emotional eating (Shrinkyourself.com) that really turned on some lightbulbs for me. Then I started dabbling in Intuitive Eating and reading Body Image blogs – although I personally don’t think IE is a viable way to lose weight, the IE blogs and community really helped me see that I am more than my weight. Then when I started this blog, and people started reading and actually commenting (!), I saw myself through their eyes – I was funny, I was insightful, I was real, all things that I hadn’t been for many, many years. The more I wrote, the more I realized that I have so much more to offer this world than just my looks (which are pretty average if you ask me). Then I started reading running blogs and realized that there are a whole group of people who exercise FOR THE ENJOYMENT OF IT. That was contrary to everything I believed about working out, but I kept reading and I realized the tremendous health benefits of exercising and eating well.  Slowly but surely, I have come to a place where I see how it all fits together. If I eat well, and move my body, I feel better about myself, which in turn makes me not so dependant on food to heal my wounds, which makes losing weight so much easier, which then makes moving my body easier, etc etc etc.  See how it all works?  Isn’t it awesome?!

So if you are one of those who still struggles with a bad body image, do something about it! You don’t have to live with these thoughts – they are not who you are.  Do some research – read books, read blogs, talk to other women whom you admire – and start to heal yourself.  If you need professional counseling, then by all means, GO!  Do whatever you have to do to be satisfied with yourself.

Okay, I’m going to get off my soapbox now, but really, this is something I wish I could make every woman understand – YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN YOUR WEIGHT.  How many of you still struggle with body image, and do you think it gets easier or harder as you get older? Chime in and tell me your story!  :)

Posted by in body image, deep thoughts Tags: ,

7 comments

The Monday Blues

March 16, 2009

So, the big family birthday party never happened on Saturday. My parents are in Galveston with my 93 year old grandpa who is not doing well. He is very sick and may not live much longer. The next time I see my mom’s number on the caller ID, I’ll know why, and I will not take the news well. I’m in total denial and just not thinking about it right now, because when it does happen, I’ll be a mess and I want to avoid that for as long as I can. If you pray, please say a prayer for me and my family. I would really appreciate it.

It’s probably a good thing that we didn’t have the big party, because then I’d be telling you right now about all the cake I ate and how miserable I am, but since there was no cake, there’s no remorse. But honestly, I still wish I’d had a cake for my birthday.

I’m noticing a lot of body image issues around the nets, and I’ve got a post about that brewing in my head, but I want to hear from you all first – do you have body image issues? If so, what are they? If not, how did you get past them? And if you have never ever had body image issues, I want to know what planet you are from and what the weather’s like there. TIA for your help and input!

Keeping it short and sweet today because I have a TON of work to do. Happy Monday everyone.

Posted by in deep thoughts Tags:

11 comments

Oh Blog Where Art Thou?

October 19, 2007

Sorry for my lack of post these last few days – work has been insane and life outside of work has been crazy, but I am determined to post SOMETHING today.  My new hero over at BABble has declared Fridays to be Milkshake Day.  Go here to check out your license to eat any tasty thing you want today.  I shall partake of the milkshake and enjoy every single slurp! 

 Buyer Beware – last weekend I bought some Meadow Gold yogurt (vanilla lite no sugar added) and when my daughter opened it, instead of yogurt she found a cupful of bleach!  I called the store manager and the FDA and was told by both that this sort of thing happens all the time.  WHAT???  The attitude of both of these extremely nice men was that this is no big deal and that everyone should check their groceries carefully.  I’m not so much shocked at the bleachy yogurt as I am at the laissez faire attitude regarding my bleachy yogurt.  The moral of the story is if your yogurt looksand smells like your swimming pool or your laundry, you probably don’t want to eat it.  PS. I still haven’t heard from anyone from Meadow Gold – thanks MG you rock!! 

Why is it there are no khaki pants out there that will fit me???  If I can find a pair of jeans that fit, you would think there would be some khakis that would fit this curvy body of mine, but no!!  I have tried on 20 pairs of pants and have yet to find one pair that isn’t so low on the waist that I give carpenter crack every time I sneeze.  It’s quite depressing… 

I am realizing that I am an all or nothing thinker – either I’m on a diet, or I’m not.  Either I’m gaining weight, or I’m losing weight.  I really wish I could just bring it all into balance.  Black and white is a hard way to live. Okay, that’s all I can think of for today.  Now go enjoy your milkshakes (or whatever you tasty choice is)!!

Posted by in fitness Tags: , , , ,

Reply

Out with the old

October 12, 2007

I’m feeling oddly curious about my some of my behaviors this week, not sure exactly what to make of them.  They are uncharacteristic of me and I am wondering if change is afoot.   The other night I had kind of a funky tummy (inside, not out) and wanted something comforting for dinner: chicken noodle soup.  Not Campbell’s, mine.  Paired with some mini-croissants from the grocery store, my soup tasted fantastic and just exactly what I needed.  Its warm noddle-y goodness wrapped around me like grandma’s quilt and I felt so much better.  But here’s the alarming thing, I stopped at one bowl.  Do you need to re-read that?  I stopped!  Because I was finished! I was satisfied with the soup, and I wanted to save room for the chocolate pie I bought at my son’s insistence (crazy insane insistence!).  Normally, I would eat cns to maximum capacity, but that night, I didn’t want more. I KNOW! Amazing right?!  So anyway, I get my smallish piece of pie and bite into it and OMGosh what the hell is in that?????  It was like no other pie I have ever eaten and I don’t mean that in a good way.  I took one more bite just to be sure (I’ve always been one to give second chances), and yep, still disgusting.  So you know what I did?  I THREW THE PIE IN THE TRASH.  Major major breakthrough for me.  And the really interesting thing was that I didn’t even really think about it at the time, I just kind of did it.  Maybe IE really is starting to become intuitive for me.   Strange occurrence numero 2:  I made an attempt at yoga last night, and surprisingly, I was not the bumbling buffoon I thought I would be.  I DVRed Namaste Yoga from FitTV and when I got home from work, I shooed the kids outside and started in.  It was relaxing and energizing at the same time.  I really like it and I felt good, except when my 7yo daughter came in with her friend so they could gawk at mom doing some “yogurt”.  I quickly told them to go back outside and mind their own business, and I continued.  Where’s the strange occurrence you may ask?  Well the fact that I did yoga or any other kind of exercise is strange for me.  Oh, I go in fits and starts, but I’ve never found anything that I wanted to stick with, mainly because the only things I have tried have been walking on the treadmill and a short stint at jogging.  So this is really different for me, but I think I may do it again and see how I like it.   And finally the strangest of all:  Someone brought donuts to work this morning.  Not a big deal, but in my dieting days it would have sent me into a panic because I would have really really wanted one, but denied myself, and then had three.  In my pre-dieting days, I would have probably 4 and then felt awful from the sugar rush and subsequent crash.  But today, I had already eaten a very tasty and filling fried egg sandwich (it’s a southern thing), and so I wasn’t hungry.  Pre IE that wouldn’t have stopped me from having one, but I thought about it and thought about it some more and I decided the donut could not taste better than my sandwich, so I DECLINED the donut.  Yep, I walked away.  It’s really a strange and uncomfortable feeling to do the opposite of what I have done for so long, but somehow strange and uncomfortable feel okay right now.   I know, nothing earth-shattering or anything, just small but very significant steps to freeing myself from so much…mind clutter.  That’s what dieting was to me – clutter. Something that was always in the way, but I never could do anything with it.  So, I’m giving myself a pat on the back and a “you rock” for my tiny steps forward – yay me!

Posted by in Yay Me! Tags: , ,

3 comments

About these ads

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 159 other followers

Email me!

jillith71@yahoo.com

Hi! This is my face.

Hey there! Thanks for stopping by and please don't forget to tell yourself that you are FABULOUS!

My favorite quote

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~ Marianne Williamson

Pages

My weight loss goals

~Mini goal - 185

~Short term goal - 170

~Goal I can live with - 155

~Goal that would thrill me to death - 145

~Ridiculously insane goal - 130

You all are so witty!

cookie on Call a wrecker!
Gina on Call a wrecker!
Kaki Bennett on A slight hiccup
Gina on A slight hiccup
Juice on And that’s why I worked…

Stuff I already said

Blog Stats

  • 207,949 hits

Blog at WordPress.com. | Theme: San Kloud by Theme.fm.
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 159 other followers