Wound tighter than a what?

Title page of W. H. Auden, The Age of Anxiety,...

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I did NOT want to get up early and work out this morning, but the reason I eventually got up is also the reason I didn’t want to in the first place.  Confused?

Confession time – I binged last night. It was bad, y’all. A Very Bad Binge.  I won’t go into details about what was consumed, but I will tell you that I know exactly why I did it.

ANXIETY

I think have a lot more anxiety than I realized.  It seems like most of my binges these days are due to anxiety.  I used to think I was a boredom-eater or a stress-eater, but I think now anxiety has a lot more to do with it than anything.  And sometimes I don’t know if the anxiety is well placed or not.

Here’s what’s making me so anxious – finances and my daughter’s birthday this weekend.

First, the finances. You may or may not remember that my husband is self employed, so that means the money comes in chunks at a time instead of a steady paycheck. When the chunks take a long time to come in the mail, I start to get nervous.  My steady paycheck helps, but it can’t cover everything, especially when something extra comes into play, like birthdays, for example.  So I’ve been a little worried about when the money’s going to come through. Usually this worry is useless because the hubs has always made sure we had enough, but I still let myself get too worked up about it.

Second, the birthday. It’s actually not just the birthday, it’s that there is a lot going on during the birthday weekend that has me wound tighter than a…whatever is wound really tight (see? my brain can’t even think of the correct analogy here!).  On Friday, my daughter is having a couple of friends come over right after school and we are going to load up and go to Incredible Pizza Company (it’s like Chuck E Cheese for older kids). It’s going to be crowded and crazy there which I HATE, but I know once we get there it will be fine and fun.  Then her friends are going to spend the night that night, and the next morning my husband is leaving early (5am) for a fishing tournament. Also, my son has a band competition and has to be at the school by 8:30am Saturday morning so I have to take him.  Then I will take the friends home about noon, and  then my husband comes home from his tournament for a couple of hours, then leaves again to go on a hunting trip.  I promised my daughter that after he leaves we will go the mall and go to the Build a Bear Workshop so she can make her own stuffed animal (I’ve been promising her this for a couple of years now and this is going to be her present from my husband and I). Then that night, my neighbor wants to come over and watch a movie since both of our husbands will be gone – I’m actually looking forward to this. But my night won’t be over at that point, because if my son’s band makes it to the finals, they won’t be back to the school until midnight, at which point I will have to go and get him. At midnight. After a crazy stressful day.

Whew!

I get all anxious like this whenever birthdays roll around because I put so much pressure on myself to make it all a wonderful celebration for the birthday-person, and everything usually works out fine, but I still get the oh-my-gosh-how-am-I-going-to-make-this-all-happen nerves. So my binge last night was my attempt to soothe my frazzled nerves, and I get that, but I still hate it when it happens. So even though I felt like a bloated carcass and just wanted to sleep it away, I hauled myself outta bed and did my 30 with Elli. And now I’m dumping it all out here on the blog hoping that it will ease the nerves a bit.

I will be so glad when Sunday rolls around and I can just veg. But hey I’m 3 for 3 on the workouts! So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.

About these ads

Just freakin’ lovely.

1 29 10 Bearman Cartoon Apple Ipad Sanitary Napkin

Hey – guess who showed up over 2 weeks late with her big bag of cramps? That’s right…my Lady Time arrived today and she has got an AT.TI.TUDE!!! Oh, and to make it even better, I have nary a sanitary napkin* or any other product of feminine hygiene. Lovely.

It’s a damn good thing this is a 3 day weekend.

*Why is it called a  sanitary napkin? It’s neither sanitary nor a napkin. Discuss.

(These are the hard-hitting subjects we tackle here at the Pear. Everything you don’t care about and really didn’t want to know.)

a la Juice

She steals from me, I steal from her – it’s all good. We love each other!  :) So in honor of her, here’s my post in bullet point form because I just don’t feel like putting it together all prosey-like.

  • C25k Week3Day2 is scheduled for this afternoon.  Day 1 almost killed me because I was running uphill against the wind. I’d like to run outdoors again today, but I’m super tired and my allergies are wreaking havoc on my body and whine whine whine, so I might just go to the gym (that I don’t belong to) and run on the indoor track (but if I need to lock something up, it’s okay because now I have my combo lock in my purse).
  • My job is seriously getting on my nerves. Normally I process about 200 work orders per month. This month we are already at 250 and it’s only the 15th!! And my boss just told me about some new things I have to do while processing said work orders, so that just adds to the time it takes to get them done. I am so far behind that in order to get caught up, God is going to have issue extra hours into a couple of my days.  And yet, here I sit blogging.  le sigh.
  • The work move has been postponed because apparently it’s just too difficult to get an internet connection where we are moving, even though it’s only ONE MILE AWAY.  Seriously? Can we take something that’s not complicated and turn it into a huge-freaking-deal? Can we please do that, cause I would like that. A lot.
  • Speaking of crappy work, I just discovered this blog today. Go read it and see if your boss is as bad as hers.
  • I am in a mood today (No! Really?) and it’s because I’ve gotten less than 7 hours of sleep every night so far this week. Not enough sleep sucks. Big time.
  • In related news, I’m a big baby.
  • I am currently very unhappy with the state of my life. I spend all week playing catch up at work and then on the weekends I spend the whole time playing catch up (cleaning, laundry, etc).  This is not a fun way to live.
  • In related news, I’m a big whiny baby.
  • I need a nap.
  • And more coffee.
  • And some pretty shoes. I like shoes.
  • And a cabana boy name Enrique who will do my bidding and bring me margaritas and massage my shoulders and tell me how smart and funny and beautiful I am. All day long.
  • I guess I’ll go get more coffee, since all that other stuff isn’t going to happen anytime soon.
  • le sigh.

Oh, Enrigque, where are you when I need you?

You kids get off my lawn!

Hello kids!  How’s it going?

First of all let me get my curmudgeonly self out of the way:  I hate DST. It screws up my rhythm and it takes me weeks to adjust. All because of one little measly hour.  Patooie! I spit on you, DST!! 

Oh, I’m not done.  Next up on “why Jill is turning into a cranky old lady”, I don’t feel well today. Sarah (my 9yo) had a stomach virus Saturday night and most of the day Sunday, which meant very little sleep for me. She is feeling better today, but I’m feeling a wee bit nauseated. Yuck. I hate this feeling.  :( 

And also, I still am not fond of my job. The End.

Okay now that we got that out of the way, let’s talk about the good things about today:

*crickets chirping*

Okay, so let’s recap:  I’m an old woman who is tired, ill, and cranky…yep, that about sums it up!

Oh, before I forget…  The Exercise for 10 Days Challenge is going well. I have worked out for 5 out of the last 6 days. The challenge ends on Thursday and I don’t see why I can’t work out for the next 4 days.  It’s do-able.  The No Sweets Challenge, well that’s another story. Saturday I had cake with the family, and then I had more cake yesterday afternoon. I had asked my mom  to make me an angel food cake because I thought that would be less horrific than a bakery birthday cake. Well, I underestimated my mom. She’s an old-fashioned southern cook, so to dress up that drab Angel Food Cake she made frosting. The most delicious, sweet, heart-attack-on-a-plate frosting. She used powdered sugar, half and half creamer, and…are you ready for this?…I can’t even believe it myself…SHORTENING. Yes, lots of shortening. Like I said, it was some good tasty stuff, but not so much the healthier birthday cake I was hoping for!  It all worked out okay, though. The cake was on the smallish side so the pieces weren’t very big and there was only enough for one left over piece which I devoured yesterday afternoon in a fit of “I”m tired, therefore I need sugar” (and yeah, we all know how well that works!).  Other than that, I’ve been pretty good about staying away from the sweet stuff.

Okay, well back to work for me.  Sorry this is the most boring blog post ever. I’ll try to channel my inner ray of sunshine and have a better post later. Although I can’t promise anything, cause I’m curmudgeonly that way.

 

Livin la vida funky

Still here in FunkyTown, although today I feel like I’m visiting AngryTown (it’s a suburb of FunkyTown) because I did not sleep well last night.  I kept waking up and when I did sleep, I had bad, bizarre dreams.  So today I am one big bundle of sunshine and happiness (smell that? it’s sarcasm!). 

I think there are several things going on here, the biggies being all physical:

  • I am not well rested, and haven’t been in many many days. This fact alone is enough to make me cranky, but add to it…
  • The fact that I have not had much water over the last 3 days. Nine cups of water seems to be the magical elixir I need to get me through the day, but I’ve only had 3 or 4 cups per day for the last 3 days, so I am very deficient in my hydrogen dioxide needs. I’m dehydrated, and it aint pretty.
  • I’m overloaded on sugar. I had too much sugar this weekend, and my mood (and everyone around me) is suffering for it.
  • I’m out of all of my good healthy foods, and the only foods we have left in the house are the dollar store cookies my husband bought. I hate dollar store cookies. They’re like the trailer trash of cookies.
  • I haven’t worked out in 10 days. Well, that’s not exactly true because I did some yoga yesterday, but there wasn’t any sweating involved – it doesn’t feel like a valid workout unless I’m sweating buckets. The early morning workouts are not working out, so I’m going back to my evening workouts.  I need some sweat-therapy starting TONIGHT.

I’m going to go to the grocery store after work today, and then I’m going to go home and download some new tunes so I can get my groove on. If that doesn’t adjust my attitude, then I’m going b*lls to the wall and pulling out Jillian. Heaven help me, I don’t want to go there, but I will if I have to.

Really Jill? You really want me to kick your ass? Because you know I can!

Really, Well-Known Brand? Really???

So I get this email in my inbox this morning. I’ll let you read it. Btw, I changed the name of the company, and everything in blue was added by me:

Hello and Happy Valentine’s Day from Well-Known Brand! Wed, February 10, 2010 11:35:22 AM

Hi –

 My name is XXXXX (her name isn’t really XXXXX, I just felt the need to keep her anonymous) and I work on behalf of the Well-Known brand.  We know that some of the most interesting baking content and discussions are happening online, in blogs just like yours (have you read my blog lately? When did I have any interesting baking discussions?). We came across your site and think that we have some fun baking recipes and ideas that your readers might like. If you’re interested, great! Feel free to post or start a conversation around any recipes or ideas we might send you. If not, let us know and we’ll stop emailing-no pressure.

 To start, we thought you might like a simple and fun baking idea for Valentine’s Day – Well-Known Brand®  Conversation Heart Brownies (Brownies?! Are you freaking kidding me?!). All you need is Well-Known Brand® brownie mix, frosting and some creativity to make a fun and tasty treat. You can find a the simple recipe on the Well-Known Brandwebsite by clicking here (link removed by me). We think that these Conversation Heart Brownies are a great way for everyone to bake a little something special on Valentine’s Day for the people they love.

Feel free to give this recipe a shot and post a review on your blog. If you like it and would like to try more, let us know and we’ll send you a box of brownie or cake mix to get you started (just email us back your mailing address). And don’t forget to fan/follow Well-Known Brand® on Facebook :)

Thanks and happy baking!

XXXXX

 Um, yeah, Hello? McFly? This is a WEIGHT LOSS WEBSITE!!  You might want to actually, oh I don’t know, READ MY BLOG before you suggest that I make BROWNIES for Valentine’s Day.  Can you believe this?  Now, I will admit, I have consumed my fair share of brownie mixes and yes, I dig me some Well-Known Brand, but come on!!  This is like giving out free bottles of Stoli at an AA meeting!!  Sheesh!! I don’t need this pressure! 

And now I want to make the dang brownies because they sound so gosh-darned yummy!!  Did I mention that I’m fighting Cake Wars with my son’s leftover birthday cake????? Hmmm??? Did I???? Well I am, and I’m sad to say that the score so far is Cake – 3, Jill – 0.  So hey, how about we throw some brownies into the mix (haha! get it? brownie mix?!) as a final blow! 

Man, this just really burns my hide (okay when I did I suddenly become Festus from Gun Smoke? Dang brownies, gosh-darned yummy, and now burns my hide? Really, Jill? Are we moving to The Ponderosa???). So anyway, yeah. There ya go.

 And we wonder why weight loss is so hard!

We interrupt your day for this very important rant

I know you probably came here today expecting something weight-loss or health related, but I just need to vent a little bit about my job. 

Ready?

I AM SO SICK OF MY JOB!!!  IT’S THE SAME THING DAY AFTER DAY WITH NO POSSIBILITY OF EVER GETTING CAUGHT UP, NO POSSIBILITY OF THINGS GETTING ANY EASIER, NO POSSIBILITY OF ANY FUN WHATSOEVER!!!!!  I’M TIRED OF WORKING HERE!!!!!!!!

grrrrrrr

 

Now, let me say that I am extremely appreciative to HAVE a job right now, when so many people are searching and searching to no avail.  I also know that I am very lucky to be employed in a place that has excellent health insurance and decent pay.  It’s just that the work I do is very uninspiring and monotonous.  I get no joy from my job and the thought of doing this for the next 25 years really depresses the hell out of me.  No, I am not in a position to quit or to even begin looking for something else.  I am stuck and most likely will remain stuck for at least the next few years unless something miraculous happens (Ed McMahan, where are you with my big oversized check? Wait, did Ed die recently? Maybe that’s the reason for the delay…)  So here I sit, typing my life away entering work orders that will have no lasting impact on anyone. 

le sigh.

Rant over.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog-reading.

My husband: Pure evil since 1968

He did it again!!  He made cinnamon rolls this morning – big, gooey, hot cinnamon rolls. The kids oohed and ahhhed and licked their sticky fingers in delight.  “Whoa, there’s a lot of icing on this one!!” “Yum! This is the best breakfast ever!”

I hate him.

You wanna know what I had? I had oatmeal with a banana instead of a cinnamon roll.

.

.

.

OATMEAL IS A POOR SUBSTITUTE FOR A CINNAMON ROLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanted a cinnamon roll soooo baaaaaad, but instead I ate oatmeal. Boring, bland, stupid oatmeal. I hate oatmeal.

Why?! Why can’t cinnamon rolls be good for you? Why does all the tasty stuff have to be so BAD??????????   It’s just not fair! *stamps foot in disgust*

Yes I know I’m being a total baby about this but I wanted a cinnamon roll dammit!! 

And no, I don’t feel superior for NOT eating the blasted cinnamon roll, and no, I won’t feel better in two hours, either. I’m probably going to be pissed off all morning long because I’m 38 years old and I am a big baby. So there!

Stupid cinnamon roll.

The more things stay the same…

Once in a while I like to go through my archives and see what ridiculous thing I was thinking “one year ago today”.  This is what was going on one year ago today at the Sassy Pear:

I don’t remember why the thought popped into my head, but I just remember thinking a couple of days ago, “I’ve been so focused on Christmas and all it’s preparations that I have let everything else slip by the wayside.” And that’s when, my a-ha moment hit me – my focus determines whether or not I succeed. I have not been focused on losing weight since October. I have not been focused on exercising since then either, so it shouldn’t come as any surprise that I have gained a few pounds since then. I haven’t gained a lot – maybe 6 pounds, but I know 6 pounds can turn into 12 pounds very easily, unless I am focused on reducing those original six. For me, it has nothing to do with motivation or will power, it’s all about focus. When I was losing weight so steadily at the end of the summer and beginning of autumn, I was single minded about the kinds of foods I was eating and how much I was walking. Since then, eh not so much, and it’s starting to show. Also gone is my weekly weigh in with the Nurse Nazi – that was very motivating! I think to replace that, I will start posting my weight here for you all to see. Probably not the actual number, but I’ll post what Mary Lou says on a certain day of the week, let’s say Wednesdays (so don’t let me forget!). When I got The Platform I recorded my starting weight the Monday after Thanksgiving weekend, so of course it was higher than normal, but I got to 8.5 pounds below my starting weight, which is I think what my normal weight really is (around 153). This morning Mary Lou said I was only 2 pounds below my starting weight, which would put me at about 160 approx. I know I can get it back down fairly quickly just by getting on the treadmill and drinking lots of water (duh), so I’m not worried yet. We’ll see how the rest of the week goes.

Exactly one year later, I am in the exact same position.   Evidence, you ask? Here it is:

  • Like last year, I lost focus at the end of October
  • Like last year, I stopped weighing in with the Nurse Nazi
  • Like last year, I am back up to 160 after the holidays
  • Like last year, I was thinking that posting my weight on here would kick start my focus again

*sigh*

I am no further along now than I was this exact same time LAST YEAR. I have been spinning my wheels for a whole year. What really pisses me off is that I haven’t learned a darn thing.  I really believed that the diet pills would give me an edge while I learned how to eat healthy, but really I haven’t changed my eating habits. Oh, I think I eat less now than I did before, but really I haven’t changed what I eat, I just eat less junk than I did before.  I haven’t taken any of the pills for a couple of weeks now, and I’m not sure I want to start again. I really want to learn to do this on my own, but according to my past attempts, my track record there isn’t so hot either, so here I am, again, beating my head against the same wall, AGAIN, and really not sure how to propel myself forward.

And as if this wasn’t enough to make me cranky, I have to go back to work tomorrow after being off for 4 days.  Being me really sucks sometimes.

Yeah, you better be scared.

Dear Five Pounds That Have Attached Themselves To My Butt,

You are so sneaky. You crept up while I went through two weeks of PMS, and knowing that I don’t typically weigh myself during TOM, you thought you would just settle in and go unnoticed. Well, let me tell you something, I NOTICED. And the SCALE NOTICED. So you have been found out, and I’m only going to say this once, so listen up: you’ve got 2 weeks to get the heck out of Dodge, because this behind ain’t big enough for you and the other 10 pounds I’m trying to lose. Be warned 5-pounder, I’m going to sweat you off if it kills me. You’re time is up, amigo.

Be afraid…be VERY afraid.

~Jill