March 22, 2010
Oh it’s bad. So bad that I don’t even want to blog about it, but that’s why I have the blog right? To get it all out in the open and deal with it? Okay here goes.
My head is so screwed up right now. The Crazy is taking over and she’s playing total games with me. I am sick of it. Sick. Of. It. The whole thing. The whole healthy-eating-working-out-weight-loss-thing. I cannot find the right balance and it’s driving me, well… crazy. I feel like I should be eating only healthy foods – nothing processed, nothing with HFCS, nothing with sugar, nothing nothing nothing fun and evil. I feel like I’m betraying everyone when I dig my hand into a bag of Cheetos, but you know what? I like the damn Cheetos!! I like brownies, I like ice cream, I like cookies. Yes, I also like carrots, red peppers, hummus, cottage cheese, and lots of other healthy good-for-you foods, but sometimes I just get so tired of trying. I get so tired of always trying to make the right decision. Sometimes I just want to take the easy way out and serve my family Hamburger Helper because planning planning and planning wears me the hell out.
For a long time I felt like I had a really good balance going, but lately that balance is totally out of whack. I spent all weekend long thinking about food – I hate thinking about food. That is one reason I did so well with the diet pills – I didn’t think about food except for when I was hungry.
I feel like I have SO MUCH to think about (husband, kids, job, laundry, housework, parents, etc etc etc) and I’m tired. I’m tired of …I don’t know …just tired. I know I don’t want to gain weight again, but I’m so sick of thinking about how NOT to gain weight that I find myself being driven right to the brownies and ice cream.
And here’s something else that drives me crazy: I’ll bet you a hundred thousand million bucks that in a few days, I’ll be totally fine. My head will clear and all will be well again. Until it isn’t, and I head right back down into the valley. Up and down, back and forth, side to side. When will I ever just go from Point A to Point B? I can’t deal with this roller coaster. It’s really starting to piss me off. And I don’t mean I stay at the top for weeks on end and then suddenly come crashing down, no…it’ll be a few days at the most, and then I’ll crash for a few days, and then decided I need to get my act together and climb back up to the top, only to have something else push me over the edge, whereupon I fall even deeper into the valley below. See? Pure Crazy.
I read Vickie’s blog every day, and she always talks about BEING EVEN. How important it is for her stay even – I have no earthly idea how to begin to get there. I feel like I’m almost to the point of needing professional help with this – not a nutritionist, a therapist. Someone who can help me deal with my head. I don’t know. I don’t know what I need.
I’m not looking for pity, I’m not looking for advice, I’m just hoping that by sending this out into the void I’ll get some of it out of my head.