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A 40-something woman trying to lose 40-something pounds

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…can look at the perfectly formed mound of buttercream frosting sitting atop a spongy cupcake and not be deeply and emotionally affected by it. 

…wakes up at 5:00 a.m. with sleepy determination to kick out an intensely sweaty but fulfilling workout six days a week and looks forward to it as much as she looks forward to her morning coffee. 

…stocks her fridge with heaping mounds of produce and uses it all before it goes bad.

…is satisfied with eating simple meals over and over again.

…can’t help checking the size of her guns in the reflection of every window she passes by. 

…can go into a restaurant and order the healthiest thing on the menu so that she won’t be in a carb coma for the next 4 days.

…is tight and toned and healthy and relatively happy and somewhat stable in her moods. 

…someone who gets off and STAYS OFF this damned roller coaster known as “losing weight”. 

I’m tired of the fight y’all. I’m tired of trying to do things my way and wondering why I can’t lose weight. I’m tired of being my own worst enemy. I thought that Weight Watchers would help me set some boundaries with food, but I just wonder if I don’t need tighter boundaries. It’s something I’m trying to figure out and when I do, I’ll let you know. 

 

 


Hey guys – just checking in to say I’m starting to feel a little bit better. This whole allergy thing has really messed with my head this week. The weirdest and probably the worst thing has been that my allergy attacks come in the middle of the night. About one o’clock in the morning I’ll suddenly start sneezing and sniffling, which leaves me awake for about an hour or so while I fight it off, so then I’m worn out when I wake up in the morning. I finally took an allergy pill before bed last night and I slept like a baby completely exhausted woman. I’m still fighting the bad body image, but it’s not quite as strong as it was earlier in the week. So, I’m on the mend even if I don’t quite feel 100%. 

Still doing my marble-in-the-jar thing and even if I don’t get to add a marble, it’s nice to see those other marbles which reminds me that I am capable of having good days. So I got that going for me. 

We got our tax refund yesterday and so today I paid off my car and our credit card. Squeee!!!! I cannot tell you how liberating it is to pay off that damn card. This is the first time in the 16 years that we’ve been married there is not one drop of debt on that card. I got a little loosey goosey with it when I was a SAHM several years ago (need diapers? Put it on the card! Need a few extra groceries? Put it on the card! Need a fabulous pair of shoes? Put it on the card!)  and racked up a nice little chunk o’ debt. Nothing extremely horrible, but more than we could pay off at once. I have been chipping away at that debt for six years now and even without the tax refund, I would have had it paid off later this year, but now it’s free and clear! Woohoo! I’ma go buy some STUFF!! (relax, I’m kidding!) :)

That’s about it for today. Also wanted to say thanks for your nice comments on my last post – mainly just needed some rest to get my head on straight, being tired really jacks with me on so many levels!! 

You guys are the best!

 

 


I didn’t go to weigh in last Saturday because a) my daughter was under the weather and b) I knew I had a gain. Cowardly? For sure. But I just couldn’t deal with seeing the number go up again, so I ignored it. We’ve been fighting allergies in my household the last couple of weeks and frankly, I’m worn out. For me, allergy attacks are only mildly annoying, but they also bring with it a slight case of depression. Every time. I just feel tired and sad and just…well…blah. Which ultimately doesn’t help my weight loss at all of course because I just want to eat tortilla chips and watch tv. 

I’m also fighting a case of bad body image right now. In my office, there is a huge plate glass window that at certain times of the day reflects like a mirror, and when I pass in front of this mirror and see my reflection, this is what I’m reminded of: 

Lord knows I love Phyllis, but I feel like I’m too young to look like this. And yet this is what I see every time I pass by the window or look in the mirror. I see overweight, matronly, and past-her-prime. It’s not helping my weight-loss efforts at all. 

I could attribute this to my allergy depression too, but that would be an excuse. I see myself like this all the time and have for a long time. As long as I stay at this weight, this is who I see, and I know it’s going to take losing at least 30 pounds before I can see myself differently. I also know that it’s probably going to take me a year or more to lose 30 pounds,  so I suppose I can look forward to seeing myself this way for a while. Yay. 

And lest you think I’m being particularly hard on myself, here’s a picture I took about 30 seconds ago. You can’t deny the similarities:

Image

 

It’s rainy and gray outside and my hair is being ridiculous today. Of course. Enjoy this picture while it lasts because it may not stay up for long. 

*sigh* So that’s where I am today. I’m tired, I’m sniffly, and I look like the burned-out, overweight secretary that I am. 

I hope you have enjoyed my pity party today. Please don’t forget to grab your goody bag on the way out – it’s filled with disappointment and regret and tortilla chips. 

*and just to add to the festivities, I just inadvertently created an issue here at work with my boss because I have 3 weeks’ worth of filing on my desk, which I intended to take care of today, but as usual, I’m a day late and a dollar short. Story of my life. :/

 

 


Hey kids! How was your weekend? My hair is being weird today, must be a Monday thing. :/

I’ve decided to stick with my Saturday morning Weight Watchers meetings instead of switching to Thursday evenings for a couple of reasons: a) there are several Lifetime members/members who are at goal/members who are close to goal. In other words, there are a lot of successful folks in this meeting and they are good at giving out advice and support. I like that. Reason b) is that it gets me up and going for the day, otherwise I would lay around until noon and then bemoan the fact that my weekends feel so short. Another reason (c) is that I do my grocery shopping right after my meeting and it’s nice to get it done and out of the way. 

Before I share my weigh-in results, I’m going to share with you my new favorite lunch. I’ve been eating this same lunch (with slight variations) for about 3 weeks now and I’m still not tired of it. I call it the Mediterranean Lunch Wrap of Wonder and here’s how it goes: get yourself a flour tortilla or a fancy wrap (whatever you have on hand), then smush a Laughing Cow wedge over it. Next sprinkle some chopped black olives over the LC, then add a BIG handful of spinach on top of that. Get yourself some roasted red peppers from a jar and add a few of those over the spinach, then sprinkle some sunflower kernels on top of that. Add some sliced turkey or chicken, then roll that sucker up as tight as you can. Then take a bite and savor the all mighty goodness. Add a side of baby carrots and you’re good to go!! I love this lunch so much. So, so much. And it holds me for quite a while in the afternoons, which is a bonus. YUM!! 

Okay, on to the weigh in…I finally dropped another pound on Saturday. I was starting to doubt my ability to lose weight, but guess what? If you don’t eat a crap-ton, you don’t gain a crap-ton!! Genius, right?! My totals are thus: current weight is now 191.6 which means a total loss of 5.2 pounds since Feb. Slow and steady is the story of my life, but I’ll take it. I’m just glad to be moving downward again. 

Another thing that is helping, is that I’ve been using Kyra’s idea of the Marble Jar to help keep me on track throughout the day. The idea is that the marble (or rock or bead or gem) is a physical reminder of the kind of day I want to have. I want to have the kind of day I can feel good about – I want to make good choices with my food and also in other areas of my life (like work and the ever-lovin’ laundry), so having this gem with me all day reminds me to stay on track. At the end of the day, if I feel like I have done a reasonably good job of moving forward with my goals, then I add my gem to the jar. If I’ve had a day that wasn’t awful, but I could have done better, I don’t add that gem to the jar. If I have a day where I just blow it completely, I not only don’t add that day’s gem, I take an extra one out. Luckily I haven’t had to do that yet.  What I love most about it this is I only carry one gem with me at a time. I don’t load my pockets up with 52 weeks’ worth of gems – that would be a heavy load to carry! I only carry one gem per day – I only focus on today’s choices – what can I do TODAY that will move me forward?

Do you know how much easier it is to live when you take tomorrow’s worries out of the equation? So much easier! And that’s the purpose of the Marble Jar – to focus on today’s choices only. 

Image

Here is my gem. It lives on my desk where I can see it all day, then it goes home with me and stays in my pocket until it graduates to the jar.

The idea is the same as adding pearls to a string – one good day will eventually add up to a lot of good days which will eventually add up to a smaller waistline and a saner way of eating. 

Do any of you do a variation of the Marble Jar? Does anyone have another favorite wrap recipe to share? Is anyone else having a weird hair day (I seem to be having those a lot lately)? 


 

Jill_dark

 

I like to take a new picture for my blog every once in a while. I’m not really happy with this pic, but I figure this is what I look like, so here ya go.

Updated: Kyra played with my pic a little bit and made it awesome, so if you saw the photo before, erase it from your memory and replace it with this one. Thanks. 


  • Lunch by the fireplace at my favorite sandwich shop. Perfect on a cold rainy day!
  • Getting lost in a good read
  • Time spent with friends
  • Browsing antique stores
  • Nice perfume
  • Massages
  • Yoga
  • Hot tea

These are just a few things that make me feel really, really good. They are things that I am going to incorporate at least once a week into my busy life. I won’t get to do all of them every week, but I want to do at least a few of them regularly. Because being good to myself is good for me. 

What about you? What are some things that are good for you? 


Well, crud.

I made it to Sunday being sugarless, but by that afternoon, I was done. I had a couple of cookies and some froyo – nothing tragic. But then on Monday…oh man, the floodgates opened and I had a binge of epic proportions. I came home after work and had my pre-planned snack and then I just went BERSERK. I’m not even sure why.

Well I do kind of know why, it’s been a rough week, I’ll just say that. Yes I’m aware it’s only Tuesday but it’s been a really long 2 days so far, OKAY????  I’m sure I’ll get over myself eventually, but yesterday I just flipped my lid and ate my kitchen and now I hate myself and my uncontrollable urges. Oh, calm down, I don’t really hate myself I’m just being dramatic because it’s a Norma Desmond kind of day. I’m ready for my closeup Mr. DeMille!

I’ve always been big! It’s the pictures that got small.

 

So anyway, now I’m trying to dig my way out of my spectacular crash and burn. What frustrates me the most I think is that last week felt so easy! I did great all week long – I was satisfied with what I ate and didn’t feel like I was struggling at all. This week has been the exact opposite. Maybe tomorrow I’ll start back on my no-sugar plan and try to make the rest of the week something to be proud of. I’m also really tired and if you’ve been around here long, you know that when I’m tired, all bets are off. Allergies and staying up too late working are not helping my attitude this week, so tonight I will get to bed by 10:30 eve if it kills me!! Which I hope it doesn’t because hello, death. Not a goal of mine right now.

Check ya later!

Jill, out.


So after Tuesday’s long rambling post, I think I’m going to keep this one short and sweet. That’s the plan anyway. :)

I decided to try another WW meeting last night, not because I don’t like my Saturday morning meeting, but I’m finding that when I go on Saturday mornings I also like to stop at the big shopping center nearby and I end up spending a lot of time and money there. Once in a while is okay, but it’s getting to be a habit that could quickly get out of control. Plus my house is a wreck and needs some TLC this weekend, so not having to get up and go to my Saturday meeting will allow for more time to get stuff done at home. 

I liked the Thursday evening meeting. The leader is a cute little Southern gal who is maybe in her late 20′s and I really liked her laid-back style. The only drawback to this meeting is that I didn’t get home until 7pm (because I stopped at the grocery store after my meeting), which made it feel like a really short evening. I’m thinking Thursday nights will be Crock Pot Night if I continue to go to the evening meeting. 

I’m happy to report that I lost a pound – even though I weighed in at 5pm AND I was wearing jeans (lightweight jeans, but jeans nonetheless). So according to WW I now weigh 192.8 which brings a total loss of 4.2 pounds. Recap: I lost 5.8 pounds in February and gained 2.6 pounds in March. I’m striving to make April a losing month – it will be interesting to see if being off the birth control will make a difference. I do want to add that on MY scale this morning I spied 189.4. Squee!! I desperately want to be out of the 190s. Actually I desperately want to be in the 130s, but 189.4 is a start. ;)

Oh, and something else to report: I am on Day 4 of NO SWEETS. I’ve had no sweet, sugary snacks nor have I added sugar to my coffee or tea (caveat – I added Vanilla Almond milk to my coffee, so there’s that, but I didn’t add any extra sugar like I usually do, so I’m counting it as a victory). What’s interesting to me is that when I don’t have sugar to fall back on for snacks? I go for protein. Nuts, string cheese, cottage cheese, yogurt…those have been my go-to snacks this week. Each day I tell myself, “just do it today. Don’t worry about tomorrow, just see if you can do it today”, and each day I have. I don’t know how long I’m going to try and keep this up – I don’t have a goal in mind, I’m just going to go day by day and see what happens. I might cave tomorrow (weekends are hard, y’all) or I might breeze right on through, we’ll just have to wait and see. 

In the interest of keeping it short and sweet, I’m going to wrap it up here. Have a good weekend, kids! :)


Hey Friends!! How was your Easter?

First things first – my sweet friend and fellow blogger Kyra is in the first round of an art contest and she needs your votes. So please go here and ignore all the slutty fairies (okay, they aren’t all slutty, only some) and find her White Rabbit painting, then scroll past the artwork down to where all the names are. Find Kyra Wilson and check the box next to her name and then click on the “vote” button below that. This means a lot to her and besides being super talented, she’s a great person who deserves to win. It takes only a minute to vote, and I know she will really appreciate it. :)

Man, I gotta tell ya, I had a fabulous weekend. I took off work Friday to go visit my old BFF who was going to be in our hometown for the weekend. I haven’t been back to my hometown since my high school reunion 4 years ago, but that was a quick trip and I didn’t get a chance to really look around the town like I wanted, so this time I made sure to have plenty of time to check out my old stomping grounds. My parents moved from my hometown when I was 22, so I really don’t have a reason to go back and visit even though it’s only a couple of hours away. Most of my friends have moved away also, so unless there’s a special reason, I just don’t go home anymore. Anyway, I met up with D (whom I’ve known since I was 12, but we weren’t BFFs until college where we lived together) and we drove every inch of that town. Let me tell you, Memory Lane is a long, long road. I drove past my old house (the house that when I dream I’m home – it’s always this house) and there were cars in the driveway and the garage door was open – I was thisclose to stopping and asking if I could look inside. I didn’t want them to call the cops on the crazy crying lady though, so I drove on past.  We snuck in to our old high school (and by snuck, I mean we walked right in – it was 4pm and the doors were still open but there were only a handful of people there. No one seemed to notice the two middle aged women roaming the halls) and looked around, we went to the lake and tried to find our names that were spray painted on the spillway nearly 25 years ago (they weren’t there anymore, most likely washed away by the elements or covered over by the other 24 graduating classes since ours), we drove by the houses where our friends used to live…it was a very bittersweet day. I didn’t realize how much I missed that town until I was there this time. I have to admit, I had a really good childhood growing up in that town. I was dismayed to see that it was a little smaller and a little less shiny than I remembered, but it’s still there and that’s what counts. There’s been talk of a 25 year high school reunion and if that happens I will definitely go. I already want to go back right away!

Saturday was a day of running errands, and then Sunday was Easter. Good church service, excellent lunch (made by yours truly), and a big nap. Does it get any better than that? No, no it does not. :)

I gotta say though, I really overdid it on Sunday. After a heavy lunch, my mom brought over a cheese cake and my neighbors sent over some really cute cupcakes they had made – and I gorged myself on all of it. Oh, I was disgusted with myself. I was digging into another slice of cheesecake later that afternoon while watching The Bible on History Channel (well done, History Channel!) and my son said “wow mom, you must really like that stuff” and suddenly I realized that Jesus probably wouldn’t be so impressed with my gluttony. Actually I wasn’t impressed with my gluttony either, so I got up and tossed the rest of the cheesecake in the trash and was done. I drank hot tea and water for the rest of the evening – I didn’t even eat dinner because I was so full from everything I had eaten earlier in the day.

Yesterday I decided that I needed a break from the sweet stuff, so I planned on having no sugary treats all day. I was resolved that I would not let processed sugar pass my lips all day. I didn’t even put sugar in my coffee or tea (and I was strangely satisfied with that)…but then about 2:00 in the afternoon, my pusher the little old man across the street brought me a slice of Easter Bunny cake – you know the cakes you see in the bakery that are shaped like a bunny? He brought me the bunny’s butt – the part with all the extra icing. It was pink and fluffy and I didn’t want it. I really didn’t. But old habits die hard, and I took a bite. It wasn’t that good, but I took another bite and another until I had finished off the whole slice. And then I spent the rest of the afternoon feeling disappointed in myself, realizing that I’m going to have to take a stand and JUST SAY NO. I can’t keep defeating my own agenda – I can’t keep letting my emotions override my logic.

So today I’m going to try again.  I’m going to say no to the sweet stuff today – just today, that’s all I have to worry about. If cake or chocolate or a treat comes my way, I’m going to use my sweet ninja skills to block the attack and it will end up in the trash. With dish soap poured over it. And coffee grounds dumped over that. And if I can get my hands on some bacon grease, I’ll add that too. Because I’m tired of the defeat and I deserve a little victory in my life, that’s why.

So that’s the plan anyway. I gotta go brush up on my roundhouse kicks and throat punches so I’ll be ready when the sweets jump out at me from behind the corner. Anyone have any ninja stars they can loan me for awhile? :)



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