Thanks for the nice responses to my Dear Body Letter. I really waffled on whether or not to post it, but in the end I’m so glad I did.
So I’m trying to be nice to my body now and let me tell you, it’s a learning experience. For instance, I learned that my body does not tolerate Lucky Charms very well. For some odd reason last night, right before bedtime, I decided that a small bowl of Lucky Charms would be a good idea.
It was not a good idea.
I never eat right before bed, and even my husband asked me what I was doing when I crawled into bed with my bowl, and I told him, “the marshmallows were calling to me”. He just shrugged and went back to watching the news. I ate my
sugar bombs Lucky Charms, took my bowl back to the kitchen, and went to bed. (Weight problem? I don’t have any clue why I could possible have a weight problem! *sarcasm font*) This morning I woke up with a brick sitting in the middle of my stomach. Ugh. Not a good feeling. Lesson learned – kids cereal is not for 42 year old moms. Duly noted.
But that charming story (pun totally and completely intended) is not why I called you all here today (actually I didn’t call any of you here, you just showed up, unless you get my post in your email, in which case, thanks for the follow!) because I need to work through something and I figure my blog is a good place to do it.
So here’s the dealio: I’m going to my Alma mater’s homecoming this weekend and I am SUPREMELY excited…except that I’m also a little nervous. I’m excited that I’m going to see my old college roommate/bff and we’ll get to revisit some of our old stomping grounds (and believe me, we stomped a lot of ground back in the day), but I’m also feeling a lot of regret/shame/guilt that I’m going back there weighing almost 60 pounds more than the last time I lived there. I so wish that I could go back and feel great in my body and be proud of my figure, but I know there will be a shadow of remorse following me around all weekend.
On one hand, logically, I know that I’m not the only person to gain a bunch of weight in the last 20 years and there will be plenty of other folks packing some spare tires this weekend and that shouldn’t stop me from laughing out loud and having a good time and appreciating the people I’ll be with. But on the other hand, emotionally, I just want to hide my body and blend into the background and hope no one notices me. I’m terribly conflicted.
I worked at a great little pizza place for 4 years in college and I salivate just thinking about the handmade pizza there, but part of me is screaming on the inside to “JUST STAY AWAY” for fear that I might run into some old college friends – who knew me at 130 pounds and would be mortified to see me at the almost 200 pounds I am today. But I really want to go back to this old place and stroll down memory lane and show my kids that yes, I actually had a life before they arrived.
I keep telling myself that I can’t lose 60 pounds in 3 days and to just suck it up and deal with it and go and have a great time – spare tires, saddle bags, and wrinkles be damned! I mean, honestly, this is what is going to happen anyway, so I should just quit worrying about it, right? I’m really trying to pep-talk myself into just focusing on having fun and enjoying myself and not obsessing over what could have been (I could have been 130 pounds now if I hadn’t let myself go 16 years ago).
Not going is not an option. We’ve paid for tickets, made arrangements, and like I said, I am SUPER EXCITED to go and see my friends. So I should probably just forget about all the shame and guilt and just realize that I am who I am and this is how I look and THAT’S OKAY.
*sigh* Easier said than done. But I’m working on it.