I suck and I have no excuse for it.

Epic Fail

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So….apparently along with The Blog Curse, there is also a Challenge Curse.

Four days. Out of TEN.

That’s all I did. I failed my own stupid Ten Day Wake Up and Work Out Challenge. FAILED! Because I’m a failure. At challenges.

Do I have any good excuses? No. Hell no. I just didn’t want to get up at 5:30 in the morning to work out. I wanted to sleep instead and that’s what I did. Oh, and to add some salt to that wound, I had plenty of opportunities to work out in the evenings if I wanted to, but you know what I did instead? I watched Billy the Stupid Exterminator, and Steven Seagal:  Stupid Lawman, and American Stupid Pickers, and Stupid Pawn Stars. Apparently seeing all these people making their livings was more important than increasing my fitness and health.  Stupid A&E and stupid History Channel. I suck. TV sucks. Everything sucks.

Major suckage.

So, I give myself a D grade for this challenge. Which is passing, but barely. Really it should be called Failing Plus. I give myself a Failing Plus grade for this challenge.

I think that in the future, I’m going to start writing about things AFTER they happen. Like I could have written, “hey guys! Guess what I did? I made a challenge for myself to work out for 5 days and I did 4 days, so YAY ME!!” See, that way no one would know what a TOTAL WORKOUT LOSER I AM. Because even though I might have good intentions, you know where good intentions lead? That’s right – TO HELL.  So I’m keeping my intentions to myself from now on.

And please don’t try to bolster me with pity or sympathetic pats on the back because really? I don’t feel deserving of that. And I think I’m going to try something else, but I’m not going to tell you all because THE ROAD TO HELL and all. I’ll just let you all know next week if it works or not.

After I get done watching the entire line up of timesuck on A&E.

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Four for seven isn’t too shabby

Alarm clock

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I survived the weekend!  My perfect workout record, did not.  I didn’t work out Saturday or Sunday and I’m sad to report that I didn’t work out this morning either. I had planned to, but I forgot that I reset my alarm clock on Saturday and forgot to change it back to my early morning wake up time. This morning I luckily woke up on my own at the very last possible minute that would allow me to shower, dress, and get out the door on time. Thank God for small favors.

I still have 3 days left in my 10 day Challenge and I’m fairly confident that I’ll get those days under my belt without any problems, so it’s all good.

I’m tired today after this weekend’s activities, so I’m keeping this one short today. Maybe I’ll be a little more chatty tomorrow.

Happy Monday y’all!

Wound tighter than a what?

Title page of W. H. Auden, The Age of Anxiety,...

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I did NOT want to get up early and work out this morning, but the reason I eventually got up is also the reason I didn’t want to in the first place.  Confused?

Confession time – I binged last night. It was bad, y’all. A Very Bad Binge.  I won’t go into details about what was consumed, but I will tell you that I know exactly why I did it.

ANXIETY

I think have a lot more anxiety than I realized.  It seems like most of my binges these days are due to anxiety.  I used to think I was a boredom-eater or a stress-eater, but I think now anxiety has a lot more to do with it than anything.  And sometimes I don’t know if the anxiety is well placed or not.

Here’s what’s making me so anxious – finances and my daughter’s birthday this weekend.

First, the finances. You may or may not remember that my husband is self employed, so that means the money comes in chunks at a time instead of a steady paycheck. When the chunks take a long time to come in the mail, I start to get nervous.  My steady paycheck helps, but it can’t cover everything, especially when something extra comes into play, like birthdays, for example.  So I’ve been a little worried about when the money’s going to come through. Usually this worry is useless because the hubs has always made sure we had enough, but I still let myself get too worked up about it.

Second, the birthday. It’s actually not just the birthday, it’s that there is a lot going on during the birthday weekend that has me wound tighter than a…whatever is wound really tight (see? my brain can’t even think of the correct analogy here!).  On Friday, my daughter is having a couple of friends come over right after school and we are going to load up and go to Incredible Pizza Company (it’s like Chuck E Cheese for older kids). It’s going to be crowded and crazy there which I HATE, but I know once we get there it will be fine and fun.  Then her friends are going to spend the night that night, and the next morning my husband is leaving early (5am) for a fishing tournament. Also, my son has a band competition and has to be at the school by 8:30am Saturday morning so I have to take him.  Then I will take the friends home about noon, and  then my husband comes home from his tournament for a couple of hours, then leaves again to go on a hunting trip.  I promised my daughter that after he leaves we will go the mall and go to the Build a Bear Workshop so she can make her own stuffed animal (I’ve been promising her this for a couple of years now and this is going to be her present from my husband and I). Then that night, my neighbor wants to come over and watch a movie since both of our husbands will be gone – I’m actually looking forward to this. But my night won’t be over at that point, because if my son’s band makes it to the finals, they won’t be back to the school until midnight, at which point I will have to go and get him. At midnight. After a crazy stressful day.

Whew!

I get all anxious like this whenever birthdays roll around because I put so much pressure on myself to make it all a wonderful celebration for the birthday-person, and everything usually works out fine, but I still get the oh-my-gosh-how-am-I-going-to-make-this-all-happen nerves. So my binge last night was my attempt to soothe my frazzled nerves, and I get that, but I still hate it when it happens. So even though I felt like a bloated carcass and just wanted to sleep it away, I hauled myself outta bed and did my 30 with Elli. And now I’m dumping it all out here on the blog hoping that it will ease the nerves a bit.

I will be so glad when Sunday rolls around and I can just veg. But hey I’m 3 for 3 on the workouts! So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.

Early morning comes early

Full sunrise

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Wow. It was a little harder to get out of bed this morning, but I did it!  I got up and got my elliptical on again.  I spent the first 10 minutes fiddling with my phone trying to make a playlist, so when I finally got it going I only had 20 more minutes of conscious exercising to do.  Today’s workout really flew by fast (thank goodness).

I love Elli the elliptical but I can totally see myself getting bored with her very soon.  I may have to throw in some 30 Day Shred or maybe some power yoga too, just to mix things up and keep it interesting.  I think this is one reason I am not consistent in my workouts – I get bored easily and I give up.  I need to invest in some more DVD’s for those days when Elli isn’t going to cut it.

So did you get up early and work out?  What did you do?  How do you keep from getting bored with your work outs? Enquiring minds want to know!

Guess what I did today?

Skeleton on an elliptical machine

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Guess what I did today?!?!  You’ll never in a million years guess what I did!! Go ahead, guess!!

No, keep guessing!

Nope, try again!

Guess again!!

(I really super-hate it when my kids do this to me, so that’s why I’m not being annoying at all by doing it to you)

I got up at 5:ridiculous30 A-freakin-M and worked out on my elliptical!

*cue confetti and fanfare*

I don’t know what made me do it. Last night before bed I decided that I was going to work out this morning. My husband said, “Yeah. Sure you are.” He knows me Very Well.  And I said, “gee thanks. you’re encouragement is underwhelming.”  Then he said, “You go girl!! You can do it!!” and then I gave him 5 bucks and we went to sleep.

So this morning I got my sleepy self outta bed and bumped into the dresser and then bumped into the door and got a few clothes on and headed to the garage where it was 150  trillion degrees in there, but I’m kind of a big baby so I didn’t open the big garage door for fear that Freddy, Jason, and that Scream Guy would be waiting on the other side. Geeze Louise it was hot! Bikram Ellipticalizing anyone? Yeah it was a sweaty good time.

So then with all that seratonin and other feel good chemicals running around in my brain, I thought, “hey! Why don’t I see if I can do this every morning for the next 10 days?” So that’s my plan –  I’m going to get myself outta bed and get in some cardio every morning for the next 10 days. But, okay, let’s be realistic here – if I can do at least 7 out of 10 days I’ll be a happy camper because really, nobody likes a perfectionist, right? And I’d hate for you all to hate me for being perfect.  ;)

So anyone else want to join me? We can all get up and be sleepy exercisers together!! Woohoo!!

I missed my blogiversary!

I just noticed today that I missed my Blogiversary by almost 2 weeks!!  I started the Pear 3 years ago as a way to chronicle my journey with IE.  Since that time I have done everything under the sun and nearly 3 years later, I have come full circle. I am at almost the same weight I was when I started this blog, and I am once again dabbling in a form of IE because I cannot deal with dieting.

Wow.

Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Maybe I don’t learn from past failures/successes. Maybe I need to go back a reread my history and actually learn something from it. I mean isn’t that why have history? So we won’t make the same mistakes over and over?

But maybe my journey goes in a spiral, instead of a line.  Maybe I have to come back a visit these old attempts to learn something new.  I don’t know really, I just know that whenever I try to stop blogging, I always come back for more. There’s something very therapeutic about writing it all down here.

And yeah I’ll admit that sometimes I write for my “audience”, but mostly I write because it gives me confidence. Even if I can’t do anything else, at least I can write a coherent post!

So what do I want from this next year of blogging?  I just want to be able to get a handle on my eating. I wan’t to be able to figure out a way to work out consistently  that fits in with my life. That’s it. That’s all I really want from this blog. So maybe I need to start blogging on my eating experiments and my work out attempts? Could it work? Who knows.

I know I say this every year (and sometimes more often than that), but if it weren’t for you who read this blog, I would probably be 200 pounds and very lonely.  You all have given me the gift of friendship, support, and laughs when I needed it the most. You all are the real reason I keep blogging – I would miss you too much if I stopped!! So thank you for all you have done for me – you will never really know how important it is!!

:)

Invoking the curse

I’m sorta scared to post for fear of invoking The Curse. You know The Curse, right? The Blog Curse – the curse that comes when you post about how great you are doing and things are swimming along just fine and then the next day BAM! It all goes to heck. You start eating Twinkies and forgoing your workouts so you can watch Jerry Springer. Yeah, THAT curse.

*shudder*

So for the next paragraph I’m going to tell you the opposite of how I’m doing because I’m superstitious like that.

Ahem. So things are rough right now. I’m just so confused and I’m learning absolutely nothing from Karly’s course Untangled. I feel awful – the worst I’ve felt in a long time. Boo hoo, woe is me!!

Okay never mind. Opposite blogging is too confusing, so curse be damned! I’m going to tell you what’s really going on. I’m actually in a really good place right now. I’m learning a lot about some of the false beliefs I have held for a long time and trying s l o w l y to change those beliefs. I’m feeling pretty good and mostly happy. Oh, and I’ve been getting plenty of sleep – which is probably the best thing I’ve done for myself in a long time. Still doing yoga once a week, trying to fit in the Zumba class but it’s held at a time that doesn’t fit in to my schedule very well, so I’m hoping they add another class. All in all I’m good.

I thought I should post some recent pictures because I don’t want everyone to think that I still look the same as my picture to the right over there. Fifteen pounds goes all over, ya know? So here’s what I looked like about 7 hours ago:

I was cracking myself up trying to take this pic.

And here’s a face shot, cause, I don’t know it just seemed necessary:

My phone is super cute, but the camera sucks.

And while I was in the bathroom trying to take the above picture, I noticed that my curls were especially luscious today. I took a picture of them because I love them so much. I love my curly hair.

It's curlicious!!

It amazes me that my hair curls like this all on its very own. Crazy what the hormones can do!

So anyway, that’s about it for me. Really not much going on. For the six of you who read this rag, when you don’t hear from me, it usually means that things are fine. When things are not going well, I dump it all out here on the blog. Lucky you. Guess that’s why I only have six readers!  ;)

It’s not the end of the world

So, since this time last year, I’ve gained 15 pounds.  Now the normal response to this news is usually:

No!

Gasp!!

Shock!!!

My life is over!!!!

But guess what?  My life isn’t over. In fact it’s pretty much the same as it was last year.

I think I kind of needed to gain this weight back because I lost it in all the wrong ways for all the wrong reasons last time.  I’m shifting my priorities and trying to do it differently this time, but you know what? Losing weight is not the end-all-be-all. And gaining weight is not the end of the world.

I had dinner the other night with a friend of mine that I have known since I was 15. In high school we were both super skinny (although we didn’t think so at the time – how stupid) and since then, we’ve both gotten married and had kids and lived life.  She has gained some weight. And she is still just as funny, smart, sarcastic, and sexy as ever. And I am just as funny, smart, sarcastic, and sexy (when I need to be) as ever.

WE ARE STILL THE SAME REGARDLESS OF WHAT WE WEIGH.

Yes, I think that losing weight can increase your confidence, but I don’t think you have to lose weight to BE confident. Charlotte has a post in which she asks “where do you get your confidence?”.  And here’s my comment, which kind of surprised me after I wrote it, :

My confidence comes from knowing that I can rock my husband’s world in bed no matter how much I weigh. I also love my hair. And I wear glasses that make me look smarter which makes me FEEL smarter. Having a decent wardrobe gives me confidence, getting a pedicure makes me feel better, and being able to laugh at my own jokes is a big ego booster!! And if I’m being totally honest, knowing that I’m not as insecure and wishy washy as my mother makes me more confident than anything. I’m not an ego-maniac by any stretch of the imagination, but I’ve got enough confidence that gaining 15 pounds hasn’t made me go into shock – it’s just given me an excuse to buy cute new clothes!! (Long time lurker, very seldom commenter here – just wanted to add my .02!!)

Part of this came from a conversation that my friend and I had at dinner.  We were talking about married sex, and we concluded that our husbands are not so much concerned about how we look as they are with how ENTHUSIASTIC we are about it (“it” being sex).  And honestly when I gain weight, a very large portion of it goes straight to my chest, which thrills my husband to no end.

Okay enough with the TMI.

I just really want to put it out there that being confident is what counts. Not the number on the scale or the size of your clothes.  There is nothing wrong with you if you have gained weight. It’s just a part of life – the ebb and flow, if you will. I’m not freaked out by these 15 pounds because I realize that I will lose it at some point, and even if I don’t I’m still a worthy human being, loved by God and my family and friends no matter what.

You gotta work with what you got, baby. And trust me, you’ve got a lot!  ;)

The horrible, no good, very bad weekend.

I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin. Am filled with lots of anxiety and really need to dump it out all over this post before I go ballistic.

Issue #1 – started my period after being two weeks late. This is not a big deal, but it certainly hasn’t helped my mood either.

Issue #2 – Have been sick all weekend. Don’t know if it’s allergies or a cold, but whatever it is, it has been making me miserable. Coughing, scratchy throat, sneezing, stuffy head, stuffy nose – I’ve got it all. We’ve been running around all weekend long, so I really haven’t had a chance to just lay around and rest. Total suckage. Also I have no appetite, so instead of eating my anxieties away, I’ve been snapping at the family. It hasn’t been a good weekend.

Issue #3 – We have been watching our neighbor’s kitten since Friday and it has been VERY STRESSFUL. Her kitten and my kitten do NOT get along. They’ve been fighting all weekend long and it is really wearing on me. Also I have a feeling that her kitten has not had a trip to the vet yet – I think the kitten is only about 6 or 7 weeks old. I’m pretty sure the kitten has worms because his poo is runny and stinks to high heaven. It probably also has fleas and ear mites. I’m a little ticked that my neighbor would ask me to keep the kitten knowing this, but I’m also ticked at myself for not checking to make sure before I agreed to watch her. Thankfully the neighbor is coming home today, so the kitten will be gone in a few hours.

Issue #3 – my 13 year old son has spent the entire weekend at his friend’s house. I know this is just a preview of what’s to come in his teenage years, but I want my lil duckling home safe in his mama’s nest! My husband also got him a phone last Thursday, and we have had a small talk about texting, but we need to talk a lot more. Him having this phone is just one more thing to worry about.

Issue #4 – this sounds totally crazy, but I think watching the show “Hoarders” sets off my own anxiety. Watching all those people not dealing with their stuff really bothers me. Sometimes I really feel sorry for them and other times I think they are pathetic losers. There is a marathon on today and I watched a couple of episodes and that’s when all this really started coming to a head this morning. I wonder if seeing all their “stuff” not being dealt with makes me feel bad for not dealing with my “stuff” even though I’m not really sure what my “stuff” is.  I tell ya, the older I get the more insane I think I’m becoming!  And I just realized that I was watching a lot of Hoarders when this happened a few months ago.  Wonder if there’s a correlation???? Either I need to watch a lot of Hoarders so I can get all this out or I need to stop watching it altogether.

Okay so those are my issues du jour. I sure hope everyone else has had a better weekend than mine. At least I didn’t have to work today, so I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.