Bloggin’ it gone

So this is me sitting with the feeling of boredom. Oh, I’ve got plenty to do – plenty of laundry, plenty of kitchen to clean up, plenty of bills to pay, but I don’t wanna do any of those things.  The kiddos are at grandma’s house, the husband is next door visiting his buddy, and I’m sitting here trying NOT to go into the kitchen to eat. I’m not hungry, in fact I’m a wee bit stuffed, but I’m avoiding unsavory chores and there’s nothing happening on FaceBook right now, so I’m just going to blog until the urge to nosh passes…which could be awhile.

A couple of days ago I had this long drawn out post partially written about my loneliness and how that triggered my binge eating when I was younger, but frankly it bored me to tears and I scrapped the whole thing. Actually I didn’t scrap it – it’s still sitting in my Drafts, unfinished and untitled, and that’s probably where it’s going to stay.  I just don’t have the mental energy to finish it right now.  Maybe sometime later.

So I think I have a few options to do get over my boredom:  I can do a load of  laundry real quick so that I have some underwear to wear in the morning (I refuse to go commando), I can go take a bath amongst the naked Barbie dolls and toys in my kids’ bathroom, I can watch a chick movie for an hour or so until I decide to go to bed.  I would really really REALLY love to go to bed early tonight. I love going to bed early. In related news, I’m old. I think I’m going to start eating dinner at 4:30 and watching Matlock reruns. Along those same lines, won’t  you humor me for a few moments whilst I complain about the high cost of movies these days? Why, thank you!

I took my kids to see Toy Story 3 yesterday, and while I LOVED the movie (yeah, I cried, so what?!) I didn’t love the fact that it cost $61 for an adult and 3 kids to see a frickin movie!!!  $10 for adults, $9.50 for kids, plus $20 for popcorn and drinks. *Insert cranky old man voice here* SIXTY-ONE DOLLARS TO SEE A MOVIE.  I’m sorry folks, but that is just wrong. That was the matinee price too – not sure if the evening price is different.  Isn’t that just crazy?????  *shaking limp fist in the air* DARN YOU DISNEY!!!!

Thank you for indulging me in my rant. I feel better now.

Okay well, you know what? I think the urge has passed, so I’m going to dig my undies out of the hamper and throw them in the laundry, then I’m going to settle in and watch…something.

Night, y’all!

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Aw, some bloggy love!

The lovely and talented Soccer Mom gave me this award the other day, and I’m just now getting around to thanking her properly for it.  Thank you SoccerMom – you rock my socks off!!  :)

The stipulations of this award are that you have to answer a few questions that the Award-er makes up, so without further ado, here are my answers:

1. How do you define happiness?    Happiness is being content with everything around you. Happiness is appreciating the current moment for what it is.


2. Happiest childhood memory.   Wow – I have a lot of memories to choose from. Playing with my friends, falling asleep while grandma rubbed my back, getting my teddy bear for my 6th birthday (I still have that bear, btw).


3. What”s harder to have? To have loved once and let it go or to have NOT loved at all? That’s a toughie. Both of them are incredibly painful and take a long time to make peace with. I call it a draw.


4. What brings a smile to your face? Listening to my 5 year old explain her theories on life.  She has a lot of imagination!


5. Something you have not yet done, that would make you happy?  Spending an entire weekend with my best friend in our old college town, drinking margaritas and reminiscing. Good times, good times.


So there you have it!  Now it’s my turn to give this award to a few friends, and I’m going to give this award to:

Debby - because the blogosphere would be a dark and lonely place without her!

MB – because she has been reading my blog for a long time and she always has great words of wisdom.

Pubsgal – because just like MB, she’s been around here for awhile and she does triathlons – she just super awesome.

Okay here are the questions:

  1. What do you do in the privacy of your own home that you would NEVER do in front of anyone?
  2. If you could be someone else for one day, who would it be?
  3. What’s the bravest/scariest thing you’ve ever done?

Have a great Thursday gang!  :)

I don’t have a weight problem, I have an eating problem

Yep – you heard me. My weight is not my problem…my style of eating is my problem. My tendancy to eat lots of flour and sugar at 5pm is my problem. My need to eat my feelings is my problem.

If I were 164 pounds, but most of those pounds were muscle, I wouldn’t have a problem with my weight. That number is just…a number.

And the fat on my thighs? It really is not the object of my hate. A source of disappointment, yes. But hate? No.

The number on the scale, the jiggly thighs, the bat wings, they are not in and of themselves, the problem.  They are the physical manifestation of my lack of self care and lack of knowledge about how to best express my emotions. When you see me and see that I am a good 20-30 pounds overweight, what you are really seeing is years and years and layers and layers of boredom, stress, anxiety, loneliness, disappointment,  heartache, happiness, and joy – all soothed and encouraged with food.

I tried a little experiment a couple of days ago. Instead of eating right after I got home from work, I tried to just deal the anxiety of the transition. I tried to just “sit with the feeling” and damn, it was hard. I think I kind of get in small way how a smoker feels when they decide to quit. It was not a pleasant feeling, so I soothed it with whatever was handy…I can’t even remember what it was that I ate.

So yeah, I’m an emotional eater. I’ve confirmed it. I’ve diagnosed myself as an overeater. Now I have to figure out how to deal with it. Notice, I didn’t say “conquer” it – I said deal with it, because I don’t think I’ll ever conquer my need to eat for emotional reasons. If I can at least find a way to deal with it though, and live somewhat peacefully with it, that would be good enough for me. Coexisting peacefully, that’s all I really want.

I can go on any diet in the world right now, and I would fail, because it doesn’t matter if I’m eating donuts or carrots, if I”m eating them to comfort myself, I won’t lose weight.  Believe me, I’ve overeaten a salad just as ravenously as a slice of pie – different foods, same need to soothe. I’ve overeaten healthy food just as much as I’ve overeaten junk food. One may be nutritionally better than the other, but does it really solve the deeper issue? No.  And that deeper issue is the one I want to face head-on. I want to confront it and put it on a leash, so that I can have some control over it, and not the other way around.

So that’s where I am right now. Ordering books, doing exercises, and thinking –  lots and lots of thinking in hopes that I can start to inch my way to a happier place.

Even the beautiful people aren’t beautiful enough…

Just found this post on the front page of WordPress.com and thought I’d repost the pics here (giving full credit of course to the original author).

Here’s an impossibly beautiful model who, in my opinon, needs no retouching whatsoever, but just look at all they plan to do to her!

Unairbrushed Model

First, how cute is her hair?! I love this haircut and if I looked good with short hair, I would totally go for this cut.

Second, even though this model is thin, she actually looks relatively healthy to me. She’s not skin-and-bones skinny, and I can even see some muscles in there.

Third, I think she looks perfectly fine in this pic. I would totally buy this bikini if I were 16 years old (because really, ruffles on a 39 year old? I don’t think so.).

Anyway, here are the before/after shots.  You tell me, which one looks better?

Before and After

Yeah, me too. The second photo looks “off” to me. Oh that’s right…because it IS!

So for all of you out there who think you aren’t good enough – don’t feel bad. Apparently we live in a world where near-perfection isn’t perfect enough!

Anyone else out there get a thrill/breathe a sigh of relief when you see untouched photos?

Lessons and luxuries

Hey all! Hope you guys are having a good week so far.

I have decided to embrace the wearing of dresses this summer. Typically I am a jeans and tennis shoes kind of girl – comfy and casual is my trademark dressing style, but lately I have been wearing summer dresses and I LOVE THEM. Holy cow, they are super comfy and so easy – just put it on and go! The types of dresses I wear are to-the-knee or longer so I feel appropriately covered, but still cool and easy-breezy. I’ve never really embraced shorts or skirts mainly because my legs are pasty white, veiny, short, and chubby. I carry the bulk of my weight in my thighs, so showing anything above the knee always made me feel self-conscious, and showing anything below the knee made me feel self-conscious. This year however, I don’t really care. I figure if I have on a cute skirt or dress, that will get noticed before my legs will, so I’m just gonna go with it! :)

I learned something during my 5k last weekend that was pretty eye-opening for me, but first a little background. I had bought some new shorts and a short sleeved running top to wear to my race, but after I put it on, I felt like it was too clingy – all the bumps and rolls could be very easily seen so I opted instead for a loose tank and some regular athletic shorts, thinking at least this way people wouldn’t point and laugh at my big behind and muffin top. When we got to the race, imagine my surprise when LOTS of women there had on the same type of outfit that I was going to wear, and these women were not skinny-minnies. I saw women with wide hips and chunky thighs and big behinds and big breasts shoved into sports bras and they didn’t care a lick at what they looked like. They were there to run, not sashay down a runway. Lesson learned – a 5k race is not about fashion, it’s about PERFORMANCE, and you wear whatever is going to allow you to perform your best – fat rolls be damned!! So next time I won’t be so self conscious about what I wear (although I do think the tank top was a good idea since it was so stinking hot that day!).

Something else I gleaned from that day was pivotal in my training mind…there were many, many, many women there who were older and bigger than myself who left me in the dust! It didn’t matter how big their derrieres were, they had trained and they were in shape and they RAN that 5k all the way to the end. I’ve been saying to myself all along “if I were 20 pounds lighter, running would be so much easier” (and it’s possible it would be), but maybe it’s not my weight that’s slowing me down, maybe it’s my lack of consistent training. It gives me hope that even at my size I can train to go the distance.

On to other news, you know how some people have adverse reactions to peanuts, or pollen, or strong odors? Well, I think I have adverse reactions to dieting. Really, I do. I think I’m allergic to counting calories in that when I do, it sets off something in my brain that says “Danger Will Robinson, Danger!!” and it leads to a meltdown of epic proportions (okay, maybe not EPIC proportions, but you know what I mean). I’m not going to play the diet game anymore. I just can’t. I am going to eat as best as I can, and move whenever I can, and try to overcome the demon of emotional eating. I’m going to do it within the framework of nourishing my body, mind, and spirit.

And speaking of that, I have been poking around the internet looking for sights that tap into that very thing, and I ran across a quote (and for the life of me, I cannot remember where I saw it or who said it – I’m sorry!) but it said something along the lines of, and I’m totally paraphrasing here, that we need to stop thinking of self-care as a luxury and start thinking of it as a necessity. For myself, getting pedicures are very much a luxury, but the joy that I get out getting one shouldn’t be reserved for special occasions – if I enjoy them so much, why do I not get them more often? They don’t cost a lot, and they make me feel pampered and pretty, so why don’t I treat myself to this kindness more often? I don’t know why, but I can tell you that I’m going to start, and isn’t it lucky that today is payday?! :) Other things that I can do to incorporate regular luxuries into my life are taking a yoga class, giving myself permission to sit down and read a book, taking a bubble bath after the kids have gone to bed (or maybe early in the morning before they wake up – I hadn’t thought of that!!), buying a pair of earrings for myself for no particular reason…I could probably go on and on if I think about it long enough!

So what are some of your luxuries that you need to turn into necessities?

and

What important lessons have you learned this week?

Hills Are Evil

So I ran my 5k this morning with my favorite neighbor Natasha – she’s 26 years old, does Boot Camp every morning, and she cuts my hair. I love her to death. By 7am it was already 80 degrees with 75%humidity – UGH!!  The course we ran was at the lake, and it has lots of hills. Not great big hills, but really for me, any kind of incline is of the Mt. Everest variety.  So anyway we ran together most of the way and then about half way through I finally cut Natasha loose and let her run her own pace while I walked until my side stitch went away. I wasn’t that far behind her, and I finished in…40:26.  Not a great time, but at least I finished before I got all the way through my playlist.  I had a lot of fun and I’m looking for another race to run next month.  :)

And now for something completely different:

What I Know

  • I know that I’m not going to lose 20 pounds this summer. I always have this goal of losing 20 pounds by fall – and I did that a couple of years ago, but you know what? It’s not gonna happen this year and I’m fine with it. Really.
  • I’m going to be a size 14 for awhile. Yes, I’m saying it out loud – I’M A SIZE 14 AND THAT’S OKAY.
  • Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to rest.  After not sleeping well for 2 weeks, and then getting up early and running the 5k, my body needed to rest. After laying around for 3 hours, I kept telling myself that I needed to get up and do something. But then I heard another voice that said “Jill, you’ve had a rough time lately, you’re sleep deprived, you’ve been on an emotional roller coaster, and you ran 3 miles in horrendous heat/humidity this morning. YOU DESERVE A BREAK. Lay around as long as you need to.” And I did. I laid down on my bed to watch tv at 11:00am and I didn’t get up until 5:30. I catnapped and watched old movies the whole time, and now I feel so much better.
  • Along those same lines, when I am patient with myself, I am more patient with my kids.  There have been times today when I could have snapped at them, but I didn’t. We’re all happier for it.

I’m sure I know more than this, but these are the things that have been floating in my brain today.

What do you know for sure?

Out of the basement

Hey gang!

I’m feeling better today than I have felt in the last two weeks. Not sure what the change is, but I feel lighter and less anxious.  Almost too good…which makes me think my hormones are out of whack, which would explain the up and down of the last several days.  Whatever it is, I’ll take the penthouse over the basement any day.  (word of caution, when you are Googling images of a penthouse apartment, make sure you don’t type in “penthouse”…you won’t get apartments, trust me)

I have whole new slew of blogs that I am reading that are really lifting my spirits as well. This woman intrigues the heck out of me! I love her spunk and her style and the fact that she is so active! She bikes in a skirt and heels, y’all!! Can’t get spunkier than that.  :)  And I really liked this post – I could totally identify with it.

And Gina is my kindred spirit, I think. Lately when she posts something, I think “I GET IT” and she has said that to me too, so I dig her.  A lot.  (Hey Gina!)

This lovely lass is one that Debs pointed out to me – I really like her philosophy on being balanced – body, mind, and spirit. Love it.

Those are just a few that I can think of off the top of my head. I’m sure I’ll posting more linky love later.

I’m running another 5k this Saturday, and I don’t feel ready. I have a feeling this one is going to be a little tougher than the last one – this course is a bit more hilly, and there are going to be lots more people so that makes me nervous.  I am going with my next door neighbor, who also happens to be my fabulous hairdresser, and she is tons of fun so I know I’ll have a good time regardless.

Keeping this short and sweet tonight because it’s almost my bedtime – have a great Thursday!  :)

Checking in

Hey gang!

Oh, let’s see…what’s going on with me.  Doing a little better – having good days and bad days.  Still trying to figure out what I need – I’m exploring some emotional eating stuff, still trying to decide if I want to go into therapy – some days I think I don’t really need it, and then others…well you know. I think I”m going to schedule a physical – I haven’t had one in years and my bff thinks I need to get my blood work checked and get on some vitamins. I’m wondering if I’m starting to go through peri-menopause or something.  So there’s that.

I think my first priority is to get some balance. I spend disgusting amounts of time on everyone but me and I think the universe is telling me that I matter too, so I had better start being kind to myself. So really that’s what I”m focusing on right now – doing things that soothe my soul – the word “nourish” keeps coming into my head also. Trying to focus on that: nourishing foods, activities that nourish me, etc. I think I’m malnourished – in more ways than one.

Balance is a hard thing for an American woman to achieve, but I think it’s going to be the only thing that saves me.

I did want to say THANK YOU to all of you who left me such great comments – I appreciate you all so much!!  You will never know how much you all lift me up!  :)

Figuring out The Crazy

So I just got off the phone with a counselor because I think I’m going crazy. No, really. I feel off these days and I’m not sure why, so this post is me trying to figure it all out.

A few years ago when I did Weight Watchers, something was turned on in my brain that made me become obsessive about food. I thought about food and losing weight ALL. THE. TIME.  All I could think about was losing weight: what to eat, what not to eat, how to exercise, how much to exercise, etc.  It got to the point that I really felt out of control with it.

Then I started taking the appetite suppressants from my doctor and POOF! The crazy obsessive food thoughts were gone.  I didn’t think about food or losing weight anymore. It was such a great feeling to be able to think about something besides losing weight!  For the next year and a half, my brain and I coexisted peacefully.

Then in January I joined iChange and started doing the “diet” thing again and slowly but surely, those crazy thoughts, and anxious feelings started to creep up again.  I’m thinking about losing weight all the time, and how I’m so bad at it.  I keep thinking that if I could just get a handle on these food issues, I’ll be okay, but I can’t get a handle on them. I’ve binged more in the last month than I have in the last 2 years, and I don’t know why, but it seems to be getting worse.  I feel tense and on edge. Just thinking about iChange and counting calories makes me feel like I want to run the other direction. And I know that some of my iChange friends read my blog, so for those of you who do – please know that I miss you terribly, but I just can’t be a part of it for right now. I’ve got STUFF I need to deal with first.

I haven’t decided if I will go for counseling or not – real honest to goodness face to face counseling.  What would be my reason for going? What would I tell my husband (he doesn’t know any of this is going on – I’m very good at hiding it)?

I think the first thing I need to do is to stop trying to lose weight. I need to step away from the WHOLE weight-losing world for awhile and just focus on figuring out these crazy emotions. I’m not sure what that means for this blog – I might be absent here for awhile, I might start a whole new blog that is diet-free, or I might have two blogs and write simultaneously. I don’t know yet.

I’m trying to think of events or things that have happened that might have led to this “breakdown”.  I’m going to brainstorm for a few minutes, so bear with me.

  • Kids are out of school and my oldest is babysitting.  He’s done a very good job so far, but I think I do feel a bit of anxiety about the whole situation. He’s babysitting because we cannot afford to pay my neighbor what we were paying her last summer, which brings me to my next “issue”:
  • Finances are scary right now.  Shawn’s business hasn’t picked up this year like it usually does, so things are tight.  The oldest just got braces and the first payment is due this month, I’m getting a crown on my tooth that costs a fortune, I have got the shopping bug really bad, but I know that we can’t afford to spend much money right now. This causes a lot of stress that sits just under the surface.
  • The incident with my parents that happened over the weekend. It still bothers me. I feel like this is bothering me more than it should – like the way things bother you when you are pms-ing.
  • New office space – my boss sits behind me and can look directly over my shoulder whenever he wants.  It’s a big change for me in that I no longer have the privacy/time to peruse the internet like I used to. I used to spend large amounts of time reading blogs, and being active at iChange, but now I can’t do that with him right behind me.  It’s not necessarily a bad thing, because I am caught up at work and my productivity has increased about 800%, but I’m wondering if I’m going through some sort of withdrawal or grief.  It sounds crazy, I know, but that’s what this whole post is about – my Crazy.
  • I ran my first 5k a couple of weeks ago. That was a pretty huge deal for me. Maybe I’m coming down off of the high of training and running. Have I mentioned that I have another race next weekend and have not run one single step since the last one?  I’m setting myself up for major disappointment if I don’t get my butt in gear.
  • I wonder if I’m going through some sort of midlife crisis.  The way my life has turned out is not at all what I expected it to be, but isn’t it the same with most people? We all have grand ideas of what we want our lives to be like when we are young and when those dreams die in a pile of unfolded laundry, do we just accept it and go with the flow? That’s what I have done.
  • I feel like I need to insert right here that I am mostly pleased with my life – I have a great husband, really awesome kids, I can walk outside and sit by the pond and watch the fish swim right now if I want to. I have a lot to be thankful for and I KNOW that I am so blessed…which is why I need to figure out what the heck is wrong with me.

I can’t think of anything else right now. I think I’m going to go get some aggression out on my elliptical. Maybe I can reverse a little bit of my latest binge.  If you stuck around this long, thanks for hanging in with me while I try and figure this out.  I welcome any and all comments/suggestions/advice you might want to provide.