High expectations

Hey y’all.  I hope you are all enjoying your Memorial Day Weekend.

Mine is sucking the chrome off a Harley.

I’m not doing well today. I feel really mental. This whole weekend has not been so great and it doesn’t look to improve any.

If you don’t want to hear me whine, you may leave now and further enjoy your weekend. If you stay, be warned: The Crazy is taking over BIG TIME.

I put such high expections on weekends – what am I going to accomplish? What needs to be done? How can I cram a week’s worth of activities into a couple of days? This is how I feel every single weekend. It’s getting so that I can’t really enjoy my weekends if I dont’ feel like I accomplished something spectacular.

Saturday was okay I guess – I was super productive, but had time for a really good nap too.

Yesterday was awful.

First the backstory:  every year we have a family reunion at my parents’ house and every year my parents try to kill themselves by doing way too much. Every year they cook way too much food and being of the good German stock that they are, they refuse help from everyone.  Well, last year they almost overdid it – seriously – and all I heard for months after that was “we aren’t doing this again. We are too old to do all this. We won’t be having it here again, someone else can do it next year”.  Well, no one else was suggesting anything so last week I had an idea about going to a local park and renting a shelter and letting everyone bring something. We could grill hamburgers and just hang out at the park all day.  I sent an email out to the family and most everyone replied with “I love that idea, that sounds great!” except for, you guessed it, my parents. They were less than enthusiastic about the whole plan. Which brings us to yesterday…

Shawn and I invited them to come over and have a cook out with us.  So they came over and I mentioned the reunion plan and for the next half hour all I heard was why that wouldn’t work, and why that was a bad idea, and why we shouldn’t do that, and…and…and…until I finally just got up from the table and went to the bathroom to have a good cry. I swear, it was like I was stepping on their toes by trying to plan something different!  They wouldn’t even consider that maybe my idea might have some merit, oh hell no!  So the rest of the day had this tense, uncomfortable feeling over it. And I have officially taken myself off the planning committee. They can figure it out on their own. I won’t make the mistake of opening my mouth again.

So to say that I am still smarting is an understatement.  I’m pissed. My feelings are hurt, and what really bugs me is that I felt like I wasn’t heard. But I’m done with it. I tried and I failed.

Moving on to today, since it’s an extra day off I feel like I need to make this the BEST. DAY. EVER!  Except I don’t know what I want to do.  I can work on some sewing projects, or I can clean up my patio and make it a nice place to visit, or I can work on decorating my bedroom (a project that I started a year ago and still have not finished), or I can take the kids and go shopping for summer clothes, or I can do nothing and read a book, or I can take the kids to the park. It’s already 11:30 and I am paralyzed by the thought of making the wrong choice for today.  Seriously y’all – I’m feeling a little crazy. If I hadn’t just had my Lady Time last week, I’d think I was pmsing or something because this is exactly what it feels like.  Oh, and just to add to the crazy, I just binged on pasta salad, 3 brownies, and piece of french toast.  Now I feel like crap. I feel like crazy crap. Great.

Aren’t you glad you stopped by here today?

So now I don’t know what to do. I think I need to go for a run, but it’s almost 90 degrees, so I may try to do that later in the day when it cools off. In the meantime, I’ll…I don’t know what I’ll do.  Hit “publish” and go from there.

This whole post is incoherent and random and weird. Which is exactly how I’m feeling.

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So that’s how it works!

Success!!! Finally I had a good food day – I did amazingly well yesterday.  I told myself that I could have as much food as I wanted as long as it wasn’t junk. I ate a lot y’all. I mean I felt like I ate A LOT of food all day but when I tallied it all up it was only around 1400 calories (I can’t remember the exact number) – I was really surprised because I felt full and satisfied all day.  Here’s what I ate yesterday:

Coffee

Cheerios with blueberries and milk

Turkey sandwich on 7 grain bread

baby carrots

cantaloupe, blueberries, strawberries

romaine salad w/ Italian dressing

1 oz cheddar cheese with Club Crackers

Strawberry Yogurt Nutrigrain Bar

Venison patty

Broccoli and cauliflower

romaine salad with Italian dressing

Banana

Half peanut butter sandwich on 7 grain bread

half glass of milk

10 glasses of water

The only thing that came close to junk food was the Nutrigrain bar that I was “strongly encouraged” to eat after I gave blood yesterday after lunch.  Seriously the lady was waiting for me to take a bottle of water and a snack and she watched me eat it. Not sure what that was all about, but it was okay. Oh, and I guess the Club crackers weren’t exactly superfoods either, but it’s better than Lucky Charms, right? See this is why I hate posting what I ate because I’m afraid someone is going to be judging my food thinking, “well if she thinks that’s healthy, no wonder she can’t lose weight” or something like that. So don’t judge me, okay? Especially when I’m feeling so good about my food right now.  :)
And yes, Juice, if you will notice – I DID eat some broccoli yesterday.  It was okay – still not my favorite but I didn’t gag or anything while I was eating it.  I loved that I could eat a whole cup of it for only 30 calories, though. So that was a plus.
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Food Summary: So I learned yesterday that I can eat a bunch of food for a small amount of calories as long as it’s good, healthy food.  Yeah, I know…I’m a little slow coming to this party!!  And really I enjoyed everything I ate yesterday, like I said I was satisfied all day long.  So, one day down and only 23974194571 more to go!!! :)
Exercise Summary:  I didn’t work out or run or anything yesterday. Instead I went home and took a nap.  For some reason, I think my body just needs rest right now. And no, this isn’t one of those “I’m just going to blow off my work out because I want to”. This feels more intuitive – like I really need to listen to my body and not push it when it just wants to rest.  So there’s no guilt about not working out.
The Results: FINALLY – I broke through that 162 barrier and am back down to 161!!  Yay!!!  :)

My One Day Challenge

This was waiting for me when I walked outside this morning. Isn't it pretty?

One of the gals over at iChange mentioned something I found to be very insightful. She’s lost some weight and she is thisclose to being at her goal weight (she might even already be there), and she was talking about how maintaining her weight was going to be more about the food than the exercise. Then she said that when she eats off-plan she always eats until she is over-full. Here’s what she said that struck a chord with me:

“Am I feeding me, but with my body’s memory being 15 pounds heavier?”

She thinks that she’s feeding herself the way she fed herself 15 pounds ago – BINGO!!! That’s exactly what I’ve been doing lately. I’ve been eating the way I ate when I was in the 170’s, and my body is responding with glee and extra pounds. If I want to weigh 155, then I have to eat like I weigh 155 (not 162), which means I need to stop with the stupid Lucky Charms (even if they are magically delicious). So for today, I am challenging myself to eat like the person I want to be: healthy. I’d like to get in at least 3 days in a row of good eating (actually I like to get in 395872938 days in a row of good eating, but let’s start with one day, shall we?) .

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Food Summary: I started off great, but then I succumbed to the call of the Lucky Charms and it was downhill from there. I ate a bunch of cookies that my daughter had gotten out and someone had to finish them off, so I volunteered. Why I continue to make such stupid choices, I’ll never know.

Exercise Summary: I blew off my running day. I was tired and I just wanted to go home and veg. So I did. I’ll make up for it today by doing…something. Not sure what.

The Results: Holding steady at 162.

Strawberries always make it better.

Now with added strawberries!

I got more strawberries at the store yesterday and I hid them from the kids so I could have some for my lunch today. Yay strawberries!!

Food was good yesterday, but I’m cautious about saying that because for the past couple of weeks a good day is usually followed by a day of eating junky junk, so I’m hoping to break that bad cycle today.

Not much else going on…my Lady Time came today, so hopefully some of this water weight will go away. I feel a little off today, but at least I know why.  Going to try and run Week5 Day3, but really a brisk walk might be all that I can manage today with…ya know… my Lady Time.  When I say that in my head, it always sounds like “Layday Time”. Which is why I think it’s funny to call it that. Layday Time.  heehee. Kind of how a lounge singer might say it…”let’s hear it for the Laydays tonight!”  It’s a good thing I can so easily entertain myself, or else I’d be bored for much of my life.

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Food Summary:  lots of fruit and veggies, lean protein, and water. Lots and lots of water.  Not feeling so much like the water buffalo today.

Exercise Summary: does running to the bathroom a lot count? Because that’s about all the exercise I got.

The Results:  Back down to 162.  le sigh.


this makes me happy

I hit a point yesterday when I just got tired of eating sub-par food.  I craved something healthy and nutritious. Something that would please my whole body, not just my taste buds. I have been letting my emotions and my taste buds dictate what foods I eat for the last two months and I think that’s long enough. I actually craved broccoli last night, but I hate broccoli so I don’t know what that was all about – I’m sure I’m lacking in some nutrient that broccoli provides or something, but whatevs. I still hate broccoli.

I cut up the cantaloupe I bought Saturday and thanks be to God, it was sweet and delicious. Since my kids ate all of the strawberries, I only had blueberries to pair with it, but  it was still goooo-oooood.  The above picture is what I had for dessert with lunch today. Yum-may!!!!

Running the 5k on Saturday made me really think about what foods I put into my body and I wondered how much easier it would have been if I had been properly fueled. I wonder how much easier my whole life would be if I were properly fueled, but that’s a post for another day.  I really need to clean up my eating though – as much as I can. I’m still conflicted about a few things, but I know I can do a lot better than I have been.

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Food Summary:  Ate a bunch of crap all weekend. Felt like crap until last night. Ate cantaloupe and bluberries for dinner and was very satisfied.

Exercise Summary: 5k on Saturday, cleaned house on Sunday. That’s it.

The Results:  Back up to 163.  Lady Time can’t get here soon enough. People are going to start mistaking me for a water buffalo, I’m retaining so much.

Have a great Monday!

The Race Report!!

Wow you guys. I did it.  I can’t believe I did it!!!  Squeeee!!!!!!

I did a lot of nervous eating early in the evening last night, but I shut that down because I knew it wasn’t good for me, so instead I drank a bunch of water (which lead to the 3am call from nature).  I probably didn’t get as much sleep as I should have, but I was a little bit wired before bed and couldn’t make my brain shut down.  I got up early and ate a PB&J and an orange and then went to meet my friend Lynn who was walking the 5k.  We got there way early so we had plenty of time to visit the bathroom and walk around and talk to some of the other participants.

Is this not the most boring race report ever so far???

Anyway, I was getting super nervous right before the race because I was hoping to just get lost in the crowd of runners, but there were probably only 75 runners/walkers who showed up for this race and I briefly considered just walking with Lynn, but then I thought about all the training I did, and I didnt’ want that to be a waste, so I went ahead and ran. I made my way to the back of the pack, turned on my music, waited for the starting gun, and off we ran!  The first song up on my mp3 was U2′s Desire, and it was PERFECT. I actually got goosebumps when we started because I was so excited!!

I took several walk breaks, but I made sure that I didn’t wuss out and walk more than I ran.  I know for a fact that I ran most of the course, and at the times when I started to feel like I couldn’t do it anymore, there was a volunteer cheering me on, or a cool breeze, or a wonderful lovely water station to keep me going.  I thought I was at the back of the pack, but I think I ended up kind of in the middle – there were several people behind me the whole time, so I guess I did better than I thought.

When I saw that the finish line was in sight, I was so happy and couldn’t believe that I was actually going to finish!!  My 2 goals for this race were to a) finish, and b) finish in under 45 minutes.  I accomplished both!  My official time was…..

36:21 !!!!!!

That’s not too bad, right?  For my first race?  What is that, like a 12 minute mile?  Not too shabby if I do say so myself!!  :)  I was really surprised at my time.

I think it was a great first race – not too much pressure, not too many people. The volunteers were great and I gotta say, that was the best tasting banana I’ve ever had right after I finished the race!

After a banana, an orange slice, and 2 bottles of water, Lynn and I went to a coffee shop and had a small coffee and the most delectable scone EVER. Totally worth it.  :)

So, 3 things I learned:

  • Wear shorts next time. My track pants were just way too hot and sticky!
  • Take the earphones out when they call out your time. I almost didn’t hear what my time was!
  • 2 sports bras, a tank top, a t shirt and a race shirt is WAY TOO MANY FREAKIN LAYERS!!!!

And finally, 3 things I will never, ever take for granted again:

  • Shady trees
  • Cool breezes
  • Downhill slopes

I gotta admit, I am super proud of myself.  It’s been a long time since I have set out to do something and actually did it!  What a great feeling!

Such a great feeling, that I’ve already signed up for another 5k in June. June Bug Jog, here I come!!  :)

Tomorrow is the day

My first 5k race is tomorrow.  To say I’m a little bit nervous is a little bit of an understatement.  I did Week 5 Day 2 yesterday and I really did so much better than I expected to.  The 8 minute intervals were not as painful as I thought they were going to be, and after my first run I felt absolutely tingly all over, and after the second one, I was high as a kite!! It was an awesome, amazing run and I loved every minute of it.  Day 3 is the 20 minute run and I’m trying to decide if I want to use that while I’m doing the actual 5k or if I just want to use my own music. What do you all think?  Since it’s late Friday afternoon, I hope somebody who runs will read this before tomorrow!!  Also wondering if/what I should eat in the morning…I’m thinking protein, but maybe carbs would be better?  Why didn’t I think of these things before now?!?

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Food Summary:  I was very proud of my choices yesterday.  I feel like I ate a really good balance of foods and I felt pretty good when I went to bed last night (that’s kind of been the way I guage my eating: if I feel good at bedtime then I know I didn’t over indulge).

Exercise Summary:  Week5Day2 of C25k.  AWESOME.

The Results:  back to 162.  whatever.

Have a great weekend!!!  :)

Up and down and up and down

Yesterday was an even balance of healthy foods and junk foods. Not exactly the 75/25 ratio I was hoping for, but at least it wasn’t 75% crap vs. 25% healthy. After work yesterday I found myself furiously eating animal crackers and Pringles and it suddenly hit me that this was stress eating. I had a little talk with myself to figure out why I was stressed: I figured out I was frustrated with trying to burn a DVD that just wouldn’t cooperate, how to fix the chicken for dinner, finances, and impending thunderstorms/tornadoes in the area. Once I pinpointed exactly why I was stressed, the urge to eat went away. So I consider that a small personal victory.

Also, my pre-Lady Time is about to kill me. I can feel a tidal wave of tears brewing just under the surface. I want, no I need, a good cry. It has hit me particularly hard in the last week that my kids are growing up fast and that I really need to take the time to enjoy them while they are all still safe under my wings. I need a good emotional release. I just hope it comes when no one is around to see me because I have a feeling it’s going to be an ugly cry!

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Food Summary: I ate some really good foods and some really bad ones. Like I said it was about 50/50. I could have made a few better choices, but what’s done is done.

Exercise Summary: None. I waited too long in the evening and family stuff got in the way. I need to get it done early in the evening before everything else gets going.

The Results: back up a pound to 163. I feel like I’m on a carousel, all the up and down that’s been going on this week!

Focus for today: Just do the BEST I can, drink lots of water, and run Week5Day2 this afternoon.

What I know for sure

Here’s what I know for sure about my life right now:

  • If someone offers me a donut, I’m going to eat it and not feel bad about it. It’s just a donut, not my self worth.
  • I have 3 kids, one of those being a teenage boy, so there will, for the time being, be a lot of snack foods and treats in my house.  And yes, I will occasionally partake of said snacks/treats.  That’s just how it’s going to be.
  • On those rare occasions when I go out to eat at a restaurant, I’m not going to worry about how many chips or how much bread I consume. When I go out to eat, it is usually for an occasion which means I will be a little less cautious about my calorie intake. I’m there to enjoy the people and the food, not to be anxious about my choices.
  • In the same vein, holidays will be celebrated with food. Birthdays will include birthday cake, Christmas will include cookies, 4th of July will involve potato salad…it just will.
  • My husband is a meat-and-potatoes kind of guy.  He will not eat things like “spinach quiche” or anything with the words “spinach” or “quiche” anywhere in the title.  He eats what he wants, yet he’s pretty much the same size he was when we got married 14 years ago.  I will make our dinners as healthy as I can, but I’m not going to rock his world with foods that he can’t pronounce/has never heard of.
  • Some days take out pizza is the best I can do.  Same goes with Mac N Cheese and Hamburger Helper.  I refuse to feel guilty/like a failure when I serve these things for dinner. Being a mom is hard enough.
  • I am an emotional eater.  I have a lot of work to do, but right now this minute I celebrate/drown every emotion with food. I don’t like it, but again, that’s just how it is right now.

I realize this list sounds a little defensive, but really it’s just a way for me to relieve some of the pressure.  I feel like every meal is an opportunity for perfection and most of the time I am not perfect (shocking, I know).  I think my frustration lately has been because in my head I think I should be eating one way, but in reality it is often the complete opposite of what my ideal is.  I need to realize that situations like the ones above are going to occur and instead of fighting them, I want to just let go and learn to deal with them. Like water off a duck’s back. That’s really what this list is about – facing the truth.

I’m giving myself  a break and permission to be a human woman who lives in the southern region where food is a religion and Paula Deen is its deity.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that eating cookies, and donuts, and Hamburger Helper aren’t going to help me lose these last 15 pounds, so I do realize that I have to make an effort and be mindful of what I put into my mouth 75% of the time.  I think I can handle that.  This morning’s breakfast was a donut and coffee, but lunch is going to be a salad, and my afternoon snack is an apple and peanut butter.  Dinner is probably going to be baked chicken (haven’t really decided yet, but it will be something light).  Balance is a difficult thing for me to achieve, but I think I’m moving in the right direction.

The run of death

Yesterday was a pretty good day, except the part where I thought I was going to die during my run.  I did Week5 Day1 of C25k and HOLY CATS ON A CRACKER it liked to have killed me.  It didn’t help that it was 80 degrees outside, or that I had just come from the dentist where I accidentally swallowed some of that numbing agent they give you before they insert that 12 foot long needle into your gum and out your ear drum.  So my throat was numb and my stomach was starting to rebel against the nastiness it was forced to endure and seriously, for the last half of my run I thought I was going to hurl.  But I did the whole dang run and now I’m dreading Day 2 which will be my last run before the race on Saturday.  Any pre-race prep advice for me? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

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Food Summary:  I did alright yesterday. Big salad and small sandwich for lunch, with an orange for dessert.  I wasn’t hungry after my run, so I didnt snack much before dinner (okay I had a few animal crackers but that was it).  I felt good about my choices yesterday.

Exercise Summary:  Ran W5D2, which shall now be known as the Run of Death.

The Results:  Down 1 pound to 162.  Felt good about yesterday.

I also realized yesterday thanks to MonthlyInfo.com that I am due for my Lady Time in a few days, which I hope explains some of the weight gain.  Focus for today is water!  I don’t think I’ve been getting quite enough in the last few days.

Have a good Hump Day! :)