Just when I think about walking away…

…you all lure me back with your greatness.  Seriously, you guys, here in the blogosphere…you rock. All of your responses to my last post were amazing.  Thanks gang…really.

I wanted to address a few things in those comments here in this post because I had a thought about every one of them. So here goes:

Ms. Flecha – no, I’m not going to tell you the name of the pills because then you would just try to get them on the black market and instead of an appetite suppressant, the pills would have Drano or something awful in them and you would take them and die, and really I just cannot have that on my conscience.  So just keep on with the healthy eating, mkay?   :)

Noreen – wow. Your comment really touched me and I feel like you are so right. Quit trying to DIET and just eat healthy foods – that’s all I really want.  Thanks so much for you words – you are awesome.

Debby – I have thought about being content at this weight, and for the most part I am, but since I’m a pear, I have a lot of fat on my hips, thighs, and derrière.  More fat than just “a little” and I really don’t think it’s healthy to have this much fat on my body, so I keep going.  I hope the running will help with this a little bit.

Cindy – Slim Fast? Really? Do they still make that stuff?  Hello, the 90′s called and want their fad diet back!  (Oh, and hello the 2000”s called and want their joke back).  Seriously, you are beautiful the way you are – I don’t think you need Slim Fast!  :)

Soccer mom – You are right, too. I need some refocus, and some new hobbies. Knitting worked for awhile, and I’ve been sewing a few projects lately, so that helps.  Any other ideas for refocusing?  Oh, and thank you for the nice award!!

Pubsgal – I have been watching my mother’s health decline in the last few years, and a lot of wanting to lose the weight has to do with that.  I don’t want to have my knees replaced when I’m 70 (she goes in on Monday to get the left knee done) or even sooner than that.  I want to be a vivacious, feisty 80 year old!

Lark – oh, the babysteps. So hard for an impatient person such as myself to be content with the babysteps!! I want it NOW!!!  (And I did finally get rid of the Easter candy!!)

MB  - we can’t ever stop trying. Can you imagine the alternative if we did????

Juice – Good luck with the WW. Does this mean the old blog will be coming back??  ;)

So if you were reading carefully, you may have noticed that SoccerMom gave my an award (It’s a major award! Name that movie for 5 points) because she is awesome.  Here is the award:

Pretty, huh?! And it’s green like a pear – it’s a win-win!!

And just like all awards, there are strings attached. Here be the strings:

1. Get really excited that you got the coolest award EVER!
2. Choose ONE of the following options of accepting the OMB award:
(a) Get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight, or for as long as you can focus.
(b) Write about your most embarrassing moment.
(c) Write a “Soundtrack of your childhood” post.
(d) Make your next blog a ‘vlog’/video blog. Basically, you’re talking to the camera about whatever.
(e) Take a picture of yourself first thing in the morning, before you do anything else (hair, make up, etc)and post it.
3. Pass the award on to at least three, but preferably more, awesome bloggers as yourself. Don’t forget to tell them.

1)  OH MY GOSH I GOT THE MOST AWESOME AWARD EVER AND I’M SO FREAKIN EXCITED!!!!!

2) I’m gonna go with choice (c) because I had an awesome childhood with some great music to go along with it.  Here’s proof :

Ages 0-5  Think early 70′s here. Abba’s Dancing Queen was my first favorite song.  I thought it was the most beautiful song I had ever heard.

Ages 6-10  In second grade, my bff Susan was really into KISS. Looking back now, who the hell lets their 8 year old listen to KISS? But back then we thought their makeup was really cool.  The only song I really liked was “Beth”. By third grade Susan had moved away and I discovered Olivia. More specifically the movie Grease and it’s double-album soundtrack! From then on everything Olivia Newton-John did was high on my radar.  I wanted to BE Oliva. SO. BAD.  And when Zanadu came out, oh my gosh  - even thought the movie sucked raw eggs, the soundtrack was/is amazing.  Still so good. Dont’ believe me? I don’t care, because I’m right.

Ages 11-12 – Sixth grade was  a good year for me and for music. Some of the songs in regular rotation at Skate World were Centerfold by J Giles Band, Jack and Diane by John Mellencamp (was he Mellencamp then or still Cougar? Idk), Mickey by what’s-her-name (Toni something), and again, anything by Olivia Newton John.  Yes, I was all about the Physical with my head band across my forehead and wrist bands in case I got extra sweaty studying 6th grade geography.

Ages 13-16 – Two Words:  DURAN DURAN.  Oh my gosh, you can’t even imagine the obsession taking place with this glam-rock-synthesizer-saxophone playing group.  My bff Kristy and I were the Duran Duran officianados of West Junior High.  The albums Rio, and Seven and the Ragged Tiger were played again and again on my tiny little walkman cassette player. I used to fall asleep to that music.  Add in there any British New Wave band and you get the general idea of what I was like in the early 80′s.

Ages 17-18 – Alternative music was the big thing with my friends and I. REM, The Cure, The Sundays, The Ocean Blue, are groups that I listened to while sunbathing in the back yard, and dancing to at the winter formal.  Really fun great music for my last year at high school.

3) I’m going to pass this along to some new bloggers and old friends:

a) ready2beme because she and I have so much fun over at iChange. She is awesome!

b) skinnysushi because she is slogging through the Couch to 5K with me.

c) Juice because she needs bloggy love.

d) Debby because she’s one of my bffs (even though we’ve never been formally introduced!).

Okay, so that’s it.  I wanted to give this award to everyone but unfortunately that would take forever.  Just pretend that you all are getting a big wet sloppy virtual kiss from instead, k?  MUWAH!!

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Crazy ridiculous

So here’s the deal – the whole crazy ridiculous deal:  for some reason (my birthday cake, Easter ham, Easter candy, new running program) I gained five pounds in the last 4 weeks.  I have been so freaked out about gaining those five pounds that I have eaten copious amounts of fried foods, high fat foods, and sugar laden foods for the last week or so, more specifically the last three days. My pants are snug (uncomfortably so) and my shirts aren’t quite as fitted as they used to be, so that is freaking me out as well, and well… apparently being freaked out makes me want to eat my kitchen, and I am happy to oblige until I realize what I’ve done and am feeling ill and disappointed in myself.

I’ve gone through the usual thoughts: if I just had a new plan to follow, if I just didn’t have xyz going on in my life, if I could just have a few days of healthy eating in a row, etc etc etc., THEN I could get rid of this extra weight super fast. But the truth is, I just need to keep plugging away and stay focused on my eating plan and keep running and maybe even start adding days to work out.

I’ve been falling into the trap of thinking “I’m running now, so I can eat more” which to be quite honest, is total BS. Out of 30 minutes this morning, I ran for a total of 9 minutes (2 90 second runs, 2 3 minute runs), so really I’m not running very much at all.

It’s at times like these that I want to run back to the diet pills and beg their forgiveness for abandoning them and hope they’ll take me back. But I don’t want to keep using diet pills as my crutch, I want to do this chemical-free. I just wonder how long I’m going to do this dance. Will it be year after year? Will I be 53 years old still fighting the same fight? Will I ever get a handle on this? I’m not sure, I’m really not.

If anyone knows how to break through all this ridiculousness, I’d love to hear it.

I NEED this magnet...I might just have to buy it!

a la Juice

She steals from me, I steal from her – it’s all good. We love each other!  :) So in honor of her, here’s my post in bullet point form because I just don’t feel like putting it together all prosey-like.

  • C25k Week3Day2 is scheduled for this afternoon.  Day 1 almost killed me because I was running uphill against the wind. I’d like to run outdoors again today, but I’m super tired and my allergies are wreaking havoc on my body and whine whine whine, so I might just go to the gym (that I don’t belong to) and run on the indoor track (but if I need to lock something up, it’s okay because now I have my combo lock in my purse).
  • My job is seriously getting on my nerves. Normally I process about 200 work orders per month. This month we are already at 250 and it’s only the 15th!! And my boss just told me about some new things I have to do while processing said work orders, so that just adds to the time it takes to get them done. I am so far behind that in order to get caught up, God is going to have issue extra hours into a couple of my days.  And yet, here I sit blogging.  le sigh.
  • The work move has been postponed because apparently it’s just too difficult to get an internet connection where we are moving, even though it’s only ONE MILE AWAY.  Seriously? Can we take something that’s not complicated and turn it into a huge-freaking-deal? Can we please do that, cause I would like that. A lot.
  • Speaking of crappy work, I just discovered this blog today. Go read it and see if your boss is as bad as hers.
  • I am in a mood today (No! Really?) and it’s because I’ve gotten less than 7 hours of sleep every night so far this week. Not enough sleep sucks. Big time.
  • In related news, I’m a big baby.
  • I am currently very unhappy with the state of my life. I spend all week playing catch up at work and then on the weekends I spend the whole time playing catch up (cleaning, laundry, etc).  This is not a fun way to live.
  • In related news, I’m a big whiny baby.
  • I need a nap.
  • And more coffee.
  • And some pretty shoes. I like shoes.
  • And a cabana boy name Enrique who will do my bidding and bring me margaritas and massage my shoulders and tell me how smart and funny and beautiful I am. All day long.
  • I guess I’ll go get more coffee, since all that other stuff isn’t going to happen anytime soon.
  • le sigh.

Oh, Enrigque, where are you when I need you?

Of Peacocks and Pigs

I can’t believe it’s been almost a week since I posted. These days sure do go by fast!

Couch to 5K is going well. I start week 3 this week, and I’m actually looking forward to it. I counted up my C25K weeks against my weeks till the 5k, and I’ll be short a week on C25k. That is, I’ll be finishing week 8 when it’s race time, so I’m not sure if I should skip forward a week or just keep the same schedule and hope for the best come race day. I figure if I can make it to week 8, I’ll be okay and I can walk some of the 5k if I need to. I’m not really worried about it (yet).

Saturday was a crazy day full of exercise – I had to take my car into the shop to get a really embarrassing squeak looked at (U joints) so I had the repair guy drop me off at the gym while they looked at my car. I had my big peacock purse with me (it’s a beautiful bag and the colors and patterns remind me of a peacock), and I didn’t feel comfortable leaving it in the car while a man I barely knew drove away with my car AND my purse, so I took it with me. However, when I got to the gym I didn’t know what to do with my purse. I originally wanted to run outside because it was a gorgeous day out (although a bit windy), but I didn’t want to stash my purse in a bush or something, because, well hello it was outside and who hides their purse in a bush while they run? So I opted to run on the indoor track, but again…the purse issue. So I asked the girl at the desk if I could just leave my purse behind the desk for a half hour – nope, not allowed to do that, so I asked about renting a locker. I could get a locker but it had to have a lock, which of course I didn’t have, because who carries a lock with them (um, I do NOW, but Saturday I didn’t)? So I had to purchase a combination lock for $6 in addition to paying $2 for the privilege of walking on their track (because I’m not a member). So eight bucks later, I’m finally running sans purse and jacket and hat and sunglasses, and now I have a big ole combo lock in my purse in case I ever run into a situation where I need to lock something up in a hurry.

I did my W2D3 run and as soon as I finished that, the repair shop called and said they knew what the problem was, but it would take about an hour and a half to fix it. So here I am, stuck at a gym I don’t belong to, with all this time to kill and no transportation. I didn’t feel right calling the repair shop to come and get me, and I’m too proud to ask a stranger for a ride, so I decided to suck it up and hoof it back to the shop. I figured that by the time I got there, they would be close to being finished. Now, my town is not a pedestrian sort of town, so you don’t see a lot of people walking through town except for the occasional preteen or homeless person – you certainly don’t see sporty chic mom types with their big ole peacock purses walking along the side walk. To say I felt self conscious is an understatement, but luckily my best friend called me so I talked to her while I walked (she lives in Montana) and before I knew it, I was at the repair shop. And the funny thing is, it only took me a half hour to walk all through the main street in town – I swore it was like 4 miles, the hubs thinks it’s more like 1 mile. Anyway, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be and I killed the remaining time at Walgreen’s which is right next door to the repair shop. So for an hour and a half on Saturday morning, I jogged and walked. FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF!! And I got some great bamboo spoons and spatulas from Walgreen’s. So all in all it was a very productive morning!

I have decided that I’m a nibbler, and this is killing my weight loss efforts. I cooked a ham and every time I walked into the kitchen for the rest of the weekend, I had to nibble on a piece of ham. So today I am bloated and feel like Porky Pig (oh, ha-ha!! Ham…and Porky Pig!! Hahahahahahaha!!!). I guess I’ll be guzzling water all day to get rid of the extra salt – I hope it works. Any other nibblers out there? How do you keep the nibbling in check??

It's getting all loony up in here.

Okay, well you guys have a good Monday!! :)

Admit it, Mustangs are cool.

Hey remember yesterday when I said I was cutting out sugar? Let’s all have a good laugh at that one. Ready?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

(deep breath in)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

The Hindenjill crashes spectacularly.

Oh, wow. I don’t think the Hindenburg crashed as fast as I did yesterday. I got 13 hours into my sugar free path and then I caved to the call of The Chocolate Eggs. And the Key Lime Pie. And a brownie. I seriously white-knuckled it for a few hours and then I just gave it up. So obviously I’m not ready to give up the sweets entirely, which is fine with me, really. I don’t think a couple of pieces of dark chocolate every day are going to kill me (think of all the antioxidants I’ll be getting!) so I’ll just stick with that as my treat for now.

I was thinking last night about my whole issue with counting calories, and I had a thought that kind of startled me. I was pondering why I have such a hard time with it and why I get so frustrated when I’m doing it. I think that when I’m counting calories I get really frustrated because I always seem to go over, and I feel like I can’t stay within my allotted calorie range (that word allotted makes me uncomfortable too – we’ll discuss that in a sec) and that makes me feel like a failure. Usually when I go over, it’s due to poor food choices (Key Lime Pie would be a good example here) and it makes me angry that I choose to eat these things when I KNOW it’s not going to help me get any closer to my goal weight. Seeing my bad choices on paper is like LOOKING IN THE MIRROR AND NOT LIKING WHAT I SEE. I have worked hard to get over my body image issues, so when I see my poor food choices on paper, it’s like going back and beating myself up for having large thighs. I think that’s a completely useless and unnecessary feeling. I also think that knowledge is power, so knowing how many calories I’m consuming in a day could be a really helpful tool, but how do I get over this calorie-image issue? Not sure how to conquer this one.

On a related note, having an “allotted” calorie range makes me feel confined – sort of along the lines of “you’re not the boss of me”. It’s my inner brat, I know, but again, I’m not sure how to shut her up. I imagine it’s how a wild mustang feels being penned up in a corral (yes I just compared myself to a wild mustang – hee!). There’s a stubborn streak in there that needs to be broken because it is, I believe, the reason I sabotage myself over and over again. Geez, you would think that being almost 40 years old, I’d be over all this “I’m acting like a 2 year old” stuff, but I guess I’m not. Gotta love human nature!

I only wish I were this cool.

We are moving our offices at work later this week, so I might be absent for a few days. I think this move is going to be good for me. We are moving out of the plant into a nice little office building, so this means I will no longer have to dress like a construction worker (I wear jeans and boots/tennis shoes every day) and I’ll be able to wear skirts and flip flops if I want! I’m so excited – SQUEEEEE!!!!

Today after work I’m going to do W2D2 of C25k. I think I’m going to go the gym and run on the indoor track because it is super windy out there today and I just don’t have the energy to fight it. I didn’t make time to get all my stuff together last night, so I’ll have to go home and change first, which could be very detrimental to my run. But if I don’t do the run tonight, it will screw up my whole training schedule, so I have to do it. Maybe I’ll send myself a reminder through my phone to GET IT DONE.

Have a good Tuesday everyone! :)

I love spring even when I’m foggy

It’s such a wonderful feeling to crawl out of the cold and snow and resurface into the warm sunshine! I love it! It’s 70 degrees right now, and even though I have a cold/allergies I am really excited about the month of April. Such a time of renewal – celebrating Easter, enjoying the sunshine, recommitting to my health and wellness goals – it feels like a great time to start with a clean slate, don’t you think?

I ate so much sugar yesterday; I’ll bet my blood is pure syrup today. I don’t know why, but I felt like I had to get in as much crap as I could since I am starting down my sugar free path today. I’m going to take it slow and easy, so for this month I’m cutting out the obvious sugars – sweets and junk food. I really think sugar just makes me tired and cranky, so I’m interested to see how I’ll feel at the end of this month without all that sugar coursing through my veins.

I’m also training for a 5k to run in May. I’m on week2 of C25k, and I have been running outside mostly. I like running outside better I think – it makes the time go by faster! Saturday was a great run – even though I had to find a new place to run. The park I wanted to run in was having some sort of Trader’s Days or something so it was packed with people who had set their booths up right next to the sidewalk – it would have been a nightmare to try and run through all that! I had to search out a nice neighborhood and luckily I found one near the park. It was leafy and quiet and just a really enjoyable morning.

I feel like I’m all choppy in my writing this morning – I can’t seem to think clearly enough to put together a meaningful sentence today. Wonder if that’s a sugar thing or an allergy-head thing? Oh well, please forgive my lackluster post today.

Anyway, what I really wanted to write about today was that these next few months (April through October) are my weight-losing months. For the last couple of years, these are the months when I do my biggest losing, which is probably also when the rest of the weigh-losing world does also, but I’m excited that these months are here. In these next 6 months, I’d really like to drop another 20 pounds, and put myself at or near my goal weight. I kind of hate to put a time limit on it, but I need to start making some headway and stop doing this ridiculous dance that I’ve been doing between these four pounds. I fluctuate between 155 and 159 most of the time – I would love to see 154 just to prove that I can do it. I’ve got a plan, I know what I need to do as far as eating and exercise…now I just need to put that plan into action.

I’m going to stop here because I feel like I am making very little sense and it’s hard to concentrate on writing this. I’m so tired and stuffy and my head feels all cloudy. I’m not in a bad mood or anything, I just can’t seem to focus, so I’m going to hit publish and hope for better writing tomorrow. Have a good Monday everyone! :)

Then and now

via Google Images

Nearly a year ago , I wrote these words:

I really think that if I could learn to live without sugar, I’d be golden. But the thought of giving up sugar sends me into a near panic. I’m serious – whenever I read literature about giving up sugar entirely I can feel the anxiety rising in my chest and my pulse quickens. Cutting out sugar and sweets and junk food is almost a foreign concept to me – I can’t quite wrap my brain around it, and I’m not sure I really want to. This sounds weird to say, but I feel like sugar is part of my identity. Being a sugar-holic is a big part of who I am. Other people may not see it, but I know it. Sweets bring me more joy than I would care to admit. Isn’t that sad?

Yes, it is sad. But I think know that I am moving forward because I am ready to cut back on the sugar. I AM READY. I’ve downloaded this ebook and I’ve been keeping a log of sugar triggers.  I wrote about it over on iChange and this is what I wrote:

I’ve been keeping a log of things that trigger my sweet tooth and things that don’t. It’s interesting because I’ve discovered that regardless of how much sugar is in something, it’s the TASTE of sweetness that seems to affect me. For example, milk chocolate sends me straight into sugar orbit, but I’m totally fine with one piece of dark chocolate.  Peanut M&M’s make me want to dive into the bag and live there forever, but graham crackers are pretty safe for me.  The sweeter something tastes, the more I want it. This is one reason I don’t think artificial sweeteners work for me – the high level of sweet taste for me is the trigger.  I’m still working on my list, but I thought it was interesting that I’ve learned this already after just a few days of tracking.

This is really helping me also with learning to live in a balance. I’m such an all-or-nothing person – either I will eat all the sugar in the world, or I will let myself have none of it EVER!!  I’m such an extremist!! I think this is going to be a good exercise in moderation and learning to trust my body with what it can handle and what it can’t.

I’ve been laying the ground work for going sugarless (not sure if I need to be sugar-free yet) for awhile by doing the 10 Day Challenge last month and keeping this trigger log. I feel completely calm and really okay with letting go of the sugar, not like I felt last year at this time.  I think that’s a big step forward. Trying to take things slowly, and not jumping in with both feet I hope will make this change stick.  I’m ready to move forward.