Go Girl Go

After reading your comments and a few other blogs, I channeled my inner Drill Sergeant and made her kick LazyGirl off the couch and onto the treadmill. It was 9:30pm and I had the dishes done and the kids in bed and I knew that if I didn’t at least do something, I would be bitterly disappointed in myself again, so I decided to do a quick run before bed. I did a really brisk 5 minute warm up walk, and then I ran 5 minutes at a faster than normal pace, just to prove to myself that I could do it, then a 5 minute cool down. It was AWESOME. For those 5 running minutes, I kept telling myself to push it and to not give up. At the top of every minute, I told myself “you can do anything for 60 seconds!” and I did that 5 times (thanks L!). I really feel like I broke through a mental barrier last night with that short but sweet run. I feel like I am back in the game now and ready to do some serious biz.
Food-wise, I have been trying to watch my calorie intake and I am learning some very valuable lessons. I did okay yesterday until after work when I just kinda went berserk. My crazy binge finally ended with a generous portion of brownies and ice cream. It sent my total over the edge of oblivion!! I realized that if I want to lose weight, EVERY BITE COUNTS!! Eating four pieces of chocolate is not so bad, but 4 pieces of chocolate, 3 pieces of cornbread, 2 big bowls of ham and beans, 2 ridiculously small WW chocolate cakes, and a huge brownie topped with 2 scoops of ice cream is not conducive to shedding the pounds. None of those things would be so bad if they were consumed over the course of a few weeks, but when you have them all within a few hours, it really sends a plan spiraling down the drain. However, today is a new day and today’s plan includes really paying attention to what and how much I put in my mouth. And do I even really want it?? I didn’t want the WW cakes, or the brownie and ice cream, but there they were, so I ate them. Crazy!
But like I said, today is a new day and my newest personality, the Drill Sergeant, and I will be doing a fabulous run tonight and eating will be an example of sanity and health. Go go go!!

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Making the decision

I used to think that thin women had it made. I used to think they just jumped out of bed looking great and no matter what they ate, they would always be thin. Then a few years ago, I joined a gym and it didn’t take long for me to realize, thin women are thin because they work at it. Hurray!! It was so freeing to know that I wasn’t left out of some exclusive thin club – if they could work out and look good, so could I! But when I worked out for weight loss, it felt like drudgery. It was hard and torturous and I never got the results I was looking for (40 pounds lost in 3 months). So I got discouraged and stopped going to the gym. Can you say all-or-nothing???
I have always aspired to be a runner. Runners to me are just awesome. Continuously running all that time without stopping – wow! And lately I have been running a bit – a very little bit, but still running. However in the last few days I have lost my running mojo – that thing that gets me excited to run every day. I thought that to be a real runner, (here comes my all-or-nothingness again) one had to start running and run for 3 miles without stopping or walking. I also believed that most runners just jumped out of bed at 6am and were totally thrilled about running. A natural gift, I assumed.

I now know the error of my ways.
And I know God is giving me a little mojo help.

I checked out several articles on the Runner’s World website where celebrities were interviewed about their running. Come to find out, most of these celebrities had to make the decision every day to run. They had to work at finding time to run and had to give themselves incentives to run everyday or several times a week. And some of them admitted to being slow (that did my heart good, I tell ya!) and taking lots of walking breaks during their runs. Whodathunkit? You mean I can still be a runner if I walk a little too?

And then I checked out Tigerlilly‘s post today and guess what it’s about – DETERMINATION. Making the decision EVERY DAY to do this thing. She’s a peach!And Laura gave me some wise words as well – go check out my previous post for her comments. Perseverance was one word that stuck out to me, as well as the idea of being consistent over time – not just looking for one single prize.

So, I guess that fighting my battle means making the decision everyday to fight – to fight the urge to put it off, fight the excuses that seem so important, fight the LazyGirl living inside me. To be determined to fight and persevere – EVERY DAY. Even if I don’t run everyday, I can still feel like a runner everyday. I can feel healthy and alive and vibrant and beautiful with or with out weight loss, because running does that for me. But I can only feel that way if I don’t give up.

Why, hello Mojo!

Battle

I am the youngest of 3 girls. My two older sisters are 9 and 10 years older than I am, so essentially I had 3 mothers while I was growing up. Someone was always telling me what to do or how to do something, or doing things for me because it was easier than teaching me how to do them. I grew up thinking that things would just sort of take care of themselves, or work themselves out because they always did (at least in my little world- it never occurred to me that someone else was taking care of things). If my car broke down, my dad fixed it. If there were appointments to be made, my mom made the arrangements. If I needed a dress for the dance, my sister provided one. Do you see a pattern here?? I think this is one reason losing weight has been so hard for me – I don’t know how to fight my own battles. I keep thinking that it will just work itself out, but 11 years later, it hasn’t. I hoped WW would fix it for me, but I didn’t realize that I had to actually MAKE AN EFFORT. The same with everything else I have tried. I do okay at first, but when the going gets tough, or when I lose my motivation, I have nothing to draw on to get me going again. And when things do go wrong, my reaction is one of “this can’t be happening to me.” So once again I find myself in a slump – not wanting to run, wanting to eat myself into oblivion, etc etc etc. I have to learn how to fight.
I did some playing around on the internet with various calorie counters and calorie burn counters and have figured out that if I want to lose one pound per week, I need to eat less than 1500 calories and burn 200 calories every day.
There it is. That’s the battle plan.

My first thought when I got these figures was, “well Jill, now you know how to do it. So how are you going to do it???”

I have to fight my own battle. Crap. The princess can no longer wait for her knight in armor to do all the heavy lifting.

I’m not one to make posters or write motivating notes to myself and stick them all over the house. The eye rolls I would get from my family would be overwhelming. But I need something to help push me through the doldrums, something to push me through the “I don’t wanna’s”, push through the “I’m too tired”, push through the “I don’t have time”excuse. A motto maybe? A mantra?

PUSH THROUGH IT.

Okay, there, that’s it. PUSH THROUGH IT. That will be my new go-to phrase. A sort of battle cry, if you will.
But what else can I add to my arsenal? What do you all do when you need a push?

Coffee, anyone?

Thanks to Tigerlilly for posting about the ShareSenseo program, I entered and won a Senseo coffee machine. It came yesterday and it is sooo cool. You can brew 2 small cups of coffee at one time, or one big mug of coffee. I loves me some kitchen gadgets and this one is the best!! I’m seriously thinking of bringing it to work with me and putting it in my office. The coffee that the guys drink here is well, um, just downright NASTY! I usually fill my big OSU mug and bring coffee from home, but it always gets cold fast and there is no love in a cold cuppa coffee. I would post a picture of it, but I’m such a dork that I don’t know how to post pictures on my blog, so I’ll just link to it. Did I mention that the process is really fast? I entered the contest on the 14th and got the machine on the 23, just over a week. How’s that for service??? Tres magnifique, no?

In other news, I have been watching my boss on his WeightWatchers quest and just as I suspected, he’s doing really great. He has lost 15 pounds in two weeks (dontcha hate guys for their uncanny ability to drop weight like a lead balloon?), and I catch myself thinking, “I wanna do that too!” But as I was lamenting my own lack of loss, I started thinking that I don’t have to BE on WW to eat the foods I was eating on while I was doing WW – I can eat that stuff anyway!! Foods that I genuinely liked and felt good eating like string cheese, yogurt, frozen fruit, different varieties of frozen vegetables, whole wheat crackers, Laughing Cow cheese and hummus, I can eat those anytime! So I went to my local WalMarts (the *s* added for all you hillbilly folk out there) and I loaded up on all the aforementioned foods plus a few additional items. It’s really hard to eat healthy when all you have in the kitchen is store brand cookies and macaroni and cheese, which is what my husband buys when he goes shopping, which is why I don’t let him do the grocery shopping very often. So I’m feeling better today food-wise and I’m betting I make better choices about what I put in my mouth.

In relation to food, I usually don’t buy things I love if no one else in the house likes them, because apparently I believe that I am unable to control myself when alone with a favorite food. That’s hogwash, I say!! In my quest to pamper myself a little more, I bought myself some guacamole last night. What’s the big deal about guacamole you ask? Well let me tell you…according to every member of my little family, guacamole looks like a “big green turd” (yes, that’s in quotes for a reason) and no one will even try it. So I never would buy it because no one else would eat it. Last night, that’s SPECIFICALLY the reason I bought it! Lots of guac all to myself!!! Mmmmm, Guacamole, with your avacodo-y goodness, I love you!! With chips and a margarita, what else does one need in the world? Well, I didn’t have the margarita (bummer), but I had an ample amount of chips and guac and I was giddy with pleasure. I could get used to this being-good-to-myself thing!!

Big sigh of relief

I haven’t posted the last few days because I have been a big bundle of nerves.  It’s also the reason I haven’t run since Saturday morning, and have consumed all the chocolate within a 10 mile radius of my refrigerator.  We took my 2 year old to the pediatric neurologist today for an EEG and a consultation with the doctor regarding her tics, or twitches, or seizures – whatever you want to call them.  It was a sleep deprived EEG, which means that we had to keep her up late last night and wake her up early this morning so she would be sleepy when they did the EEG.  Did I mention she was 2?  And did I mention that when she is sleepy she transforms herself into a 75 year old Hollywood Diva??? C R A N K Y doesn’t begin to cover it.  But my girl was golden today – she laid on the table so still and did exactly as the technician told her.  She was so laid back and compliant the whole time, the hubs and I were shocked to say the least.  We finished the EEG and then took her to Mickey D’s for a quick lunch then it was back to office to meet with the doctor.  He was super nice and so good with her and best of all, he told us that everything looked normal.  He said he wasn’t alarmed by anything he saw and that we shouldn’t worry about anything unless her twitching gets more pronounced, or if she does it more often, or if it’s during waking hours.  He thinks she is an active sleeper, and she’ll grow out of this twitchiness (is that a word?).  He said we could go the route of doing more tests, but that would be expensive and he really doesn’t believe we need to do that at this point.  So the prognosis is that she is fine and is a normal happy cranky 2 year old.  Whew!

Maybe tonight I’ll get a good nights sleep and be ready to run and not consume copious amounts of sugar every waking  hour.  Thanks to all of you who prayed, dedicated your yoga practice, and just sent generally good thoughts our way.  I have really come to look to you all for support and encouragement and I get it every time.  So thanks – you guys are the best!

Cue Rocky theme music

I think I must be searching for something. Today I came this close to purchasing two different online programs that promised to turn my life around. These two programs offered New! and Special! ways to make me a better, happier, fitter person. I almost bought into it -  almost. Then I realized that if anyone is going to turn my life around, it has to be me. I know myself better than anyone else, so who better to guide Jill to a happier, fuller life than Jill herself? If my life is going to change, I am the one who has to change it. And let’s get real here, by my life I really mean my weight. I’ll be honest, the only thing I want to change is my weight – I love the hubs, my kids, my job, etc. Excess fat on my tushie is the only thing I don’t love in my life right now, but I am eating better and moving more, so hopefully that will take care of itself in the near future. Yeah, I’m on the right track, just gotta remember to stay on it.

I didn’t do W4D1 Tuesday night. For one, the kids were unusually demanding and the hub wasn’t home to help, and then there was the laundry and American Idol… anyone buying this so far?  You want to know the real reason I didn’t run Tuesday night? I was scared. I was afraid that running for 5 whole minutes at a time would be too much for me and I didn’t want to fail. I have really enjoyed myself so far with C25K, and I didn’t want that feeling to end, so I made up excuse after excuse why I didn’t have time to run. I woke up Wednesday morning and I was really mad at myself for not doing it. I was really disappointed in myself for not even trying! Sooooo, last night I laced up my runners and I sucked it up and I did it!! I completed the entire work out and during my last 5 minute run, I found my rhythm and it was the just the BEST!!! I really honestly didn’t believe I could do it until I did it. Woohoo!! So now I am back on track and feeling really good about it, and I can’t wait to run again tomorrow.  Hmmm, I wonder what else I can do that I think I can’t??

Acceptable

     Okay, so I was talking myself into walking on the treadmill last night because I ate a cup of chocolate covered raisins and FitDay told me that equaled 741 calories – EGADS!!! I figured, great I’ll just walk it off no problem! I did 30 minutes at 3.0 mph for 1.5 miles. I figured just the effort to get on the treadmill would burn about 6000 calories, so I did my time, and went straight to the computer to log in my activity. FD told me that I had burned…82 calories. WHAT???? 82 measly calories is all I got from my work out? Are you kidding me here???? Then I reminded myself that I am not working out to lose weight, so the amount of calories I burned is irrelevant. So I had to ask myself, what did I get out of that workout? Well, I got to listen to some great music, I got out of my “I don’t wanna move” rut, and at bedtime I wasn’t sleepwalking towards my bed which allowed the hub and I to have an interesting conversation. I built up some muscle and had some “me” time. So actually I got a lot out of my piddley 82- calorie- burning- work out. Had I been focusing solely on the calorie burnage, I would have been bummed and probably would have just chucked the whole exercise thing out the window, but now I realize I have lots of reasons to continue. So tonight I will begin week 4 of c25k and hope I don’t stroke out trying to run for 5 whole minutes!! If you don’t hear from me tomorrow – you’ll know why.
     I walked into the bedroom last night to get ready for bed and the hub was watching Oprah (that in itself was weird), but Oprah was talking to 4 people who ranged from moderately overweight to severely obese. I didn’t see the whole show, but we got to talking about how healthy these people were and my husband made the comment that it would be really hard to go through life being that heavy and having all those health problems. I replied “yeah, but you don’t have to be a size 4 to be healthy and acceptable.” His reply to that was, “I know. I just wish you would realize it.” What did he mean by that do you think? This comment has been rolling around in my head since then. Could it be that I don’t have to be perfect to be loveable? Could it be that I am just as acceptable to him at a size 16 as I would be at a size 4? I have felt so guilty because I have been this size since I had my son a year after we got married. The hub had a thin wife for about 8 months before I really started packing on the pounds. That’s the last time I was in single digit clothing. So as far as he is concerned I have always been overweight. I guess I have never really accepted myself as fat, so I didn’t think he did either. I wish I could give him the thin girl he married, but it seems the harder I try, the fatter she gets. The more I think about this the more uncomfortable I get, so I’m going to fall head first into my avoidance issue and maybe think about this some more later. I don’t like feeling uncomfortable.

Sluggish

I was such a slug over the weekend – I spent the last two days holding my couch down for fear it would get up and run away. I ate too much pizza and too many chocolate covered raisins. I spent all of Saturday afternoon watching Dr. Doolittle AND Dr. Doolittle 3 (I have no idea what happened to #2) and Sunday afternoon was a blur of naps and football games on TV. I played Lite Brite with my 2 year old and I let my 7 year old read many, many books to me. My 10 year old stayed cocooned in his room with his Nintendo DS. The hubs was parked in the recliner, and I think he moved less than I did.  I did not run once, I barely even walked (it was more of a shuffle really). Laying around watching TV + as little exercise as possible = AWESOME WEEKEND! Oh yeah baby that’s what I said – awesome! During the week we go 100 miles an hour so this weekend I said “screw it. I don’t feel like doing anything, so I’m not gonna!” And that’s exactly what I did (or didn’t do).
Once in a while I could hear those voices in my head telling me “omigosh, you’ve just spent hours and hours doing nothing – you really should go run” or “you’re going to be sorry Monday morning when you have to scale Mt. Laundry just to find something to wear” or “you’re going to be big as a boat if you don’t lay off the snacks”, but I would just drown them out by taking a nap. A year ago, I would have beat myself to a pulp for being so lazy and not doing something conducive to weight loss, but this year, I don’t care. I need my lazy weekends!! I love lazy weekends and I now I feel recharged and ready to go.
I am learning to feel less guilty about listening to myself and honoring my needs. I always felt that good wife/mother = busy wife/mother. Had I been running around doing laundry and cleaning house, I wouldn’t have had time to listen to my son tell me how many pokemon he has captured in his game, and I wouldn’t have been able to play beauty shop with my 2 year old, or had Crispin and the Three Little Piglets read to me 5 times. I read two magazines and watched old movies – something that really makes me feel nurtured!! I am worth the time it takes to do nothing all weekend long, and it has taken me a long time to really embrace that idea. I hope I have a lot more lazy weekends in my future!

A call to action

I have spent the last 10 years gaining weight, dieting, bingeing, restricting, rebelling, and yelling about my weight. I have read many books, gone to meetings, met with “councilors”, listened to CDs, worked out with DVDs, perused magazine articles and surfed the net for weight loss sites until there wasn’t a shred of wax left on my board. I have learned a lot through all of this and I don’t regret anything I learned from any of it. In fact, I am glad I had all those experiences because now I have a great wealth of knowledge concerning healthy living. I have all this knowledge stored in my head and yet I keep looking for more because it is so much easier to think, talk, and write about getting healthy than it is to actually do it. Alicia over at The Grumpy Chair Dieter got me started thinking – I don’t need anymore information, I don’t need another *plan*, I don’t need one more single thing to lead me down the road of health. I don’t know EVERYTHING there is to know about the subject, but I think I know enough to get moving. What I need is to jump in feet first and just do the thing that I know to do – get healthy. I know how to start running now; I know what foods to eat, and what foods to eat in moderation. I know how much sleep I need and I know when I need to get off my duff and move. I know why I binge and I know to be kind to myself when I do go crazy on the cookies. I’ve been in this body long enough to know what it needs and what it doesn’t. I’ve finally filtered through all the crap so that I can see when some tidbit of info has merit and when it is just a bunch of hooey. I am learning to trust myself to do the right thing, learning to see that I’m not a bumbling buffoon – I am actually a smart and capable woman who is starting to get her groove on, and finds that she likes it! I think this call to action was actually answered a few days ago, but I am just now realizing that yes, this is the way to go for me. I used to think that all my past attempts were just wasted time, but I realize that no experience is wasted if we can learn from it, so I’m taking what I have learned and I’m putting wheels on it and I’m cruising! I trust myself to bring out the best in myself, and whatever that looks like, I’m sure it will be okay.

For Today

Today I am in a good place. Today, I am happy with things in the body/food category of my life. Running feels good and although I am repeating week 3 of c25k, I still feel good about it. For the last couple of days, I have been eating less at dinner time. Usually dinner time is when I really load up and have a gorge fest. And after the gorge-fest, I am tired and cranky and tired and don’t want to do anything. So although I didn’t really mean to, I have made small dinners the last couple of nights. And I noticed that I was able to get lots done (cleaning, laundry, getting kids to bed, etc) earlier than usual, and I wasn’t passing out from exhaustion at 9:45. I slept better and today I feel better. I just feel better!! I haven’t looked at my body in disgust the last couple of days, I’ve just looked at it and thought “wow I love this new sweater”, and that’s it ( I did notice the sweater made my rack look big, but in a good way ,tee-hee). I don’t feel chained to my bad body thoughts. I don’t feel like I have to do something! in regard to my weight. Right now I’m just doing what I do and it feels pretty good to be in my skin today. So just for today, I feel like I have gotten it right. Now, tomorrow may be a different story, but for right now today, I’m enjoying myself and it feels good. These days are few and far between so I’m going to milk it for all it’s worth!!