I was thinking the other day about why it is so easy for some people to lose weight and so hard for me.  Well, if I am going to be totally honest with myself, it is because while I really want to be healthy and slim, I don’t want to do the things that go along with it.  There. I said it.  I don’t want to change my habits.  I like eating sweets and watching movies on the couch for 2 or 3 hours.  I like reading a book all afternoon.  I like to eat casseroles and brownies.  I don’t like to sweat.  I don’t like spending and hour on the treadmill and I don’t want to have to drive 20 minutes to the nearest walking trail.  I live on a dead end street out in the country, and to walk up and down the road is about as boring as being on the treadmill.  I feel clumsy and awkward doing work out DVDs, so I avoid those like the plague.  I don’t want to take diet pills, or go to meetings, or cut out entire food groups.  Yeah, I know I sound like a spoiled brat, digging in my heels and being stubborn to the detriment of no one but myself.  But that’s how I feel. 

So having said that, I still really want to be happy in this body, and that means getting rid of some of this fat.  Actually, I do love this body, just not the fat that covers it.  So what do I do?  I’m not far enough along in my body acceptance journey to just be happy with what I’ve got, and honestly, I don’t think I ever will be as long as I am this out of shape.  How do I motivate myself to make changes that I don’t want to make?  How do I convince my brain that exercising is more fun than say, sitting at the computer and reading blogs for hours?    I’m just curious if there is anyone out there who started out this way, but overcame their own stubborn will and is now a healthy and happy person.  If you are out there, I would love to hear from you, so feel free to offer any advice you’ve got.  Thanks and have a great weekend!

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Dear John, I Mean, Cake

 Dear Birthday Cake,

            When we agreed to meet last night, I looked forward to you with great anticipation and longing.  I have been thinking of you a lot since last week when we agreed to get together for offspring #2′s birthday party.  I even stood up that third slice of pizza, just so I would have extra room for you last night.  When I saw you, you were beautiful – pink and purple flowers, every color of the rainbow frosting, and those thickly scrolled edges, Oh, how I licked my lips like Pavlov’s dogs! 

            But when I took that first bite, I knew something was amiss.  You were a little… um, dry.  And that lovely frosting?  It was so sweet that I could almost feel the granules of sugar on my tongue.  Suddenly, Cake, you weren’t so appealing anymore.  Yes, I gave you a couple more chances to taste better, but each bite seemed to get worse and worse.  I sighed in disappointment, and that’s when I knew…you weren’t forbidden anymore, so you didn’t taste as heavenly as I thought you would.  Please don’t be offended; really, it’s me, not you that has changed.  I suddenly no longer need you and you have no hold over me anymore. 

            I should be a little sad that our relationship won’t be what it was, but really, I am somewhat glad.  Because this means that maybe I am finally growing up a little and realizing my taste buds are calling for something more adult than birthday cake. So I’m afraid it is goodbye for now Sweet Cake.  I’m sure we will see each other again, and I may have one or two bites just for old time’s sake, but that is all.  I’m off to find better, more satisfying things, things that will truly enhance my life, not just my waistline.

Sincerely,

Me

Shear Terror

 My big bouncy swingy hair was feeling a little frazzled, so I made an appointment with my fabulous hair stylist T.  I really was going to get just a trim, but then I saw this cute picture of a hairstyle I liked (cue Jaws theme music).  I showed the pic to T and she said “Oh yeah we can do that”.  It all went downhill from there.  I tried not to squirm as more and more of my hair hit the floor, but when she finished the cutting part, I was visibly unconvinced that this was going anywhere other than to hell in a hand basket.  After much blow-drying, curling, spraying, teasing, brushing, and lots of poufing and de-poufing, T looked as defeated as my hair.  It was not good.  She even admitted that it was too short; she had cut too much off the back.  I tried to console her, all the while thinking that I resembled my 68 year old aunt Helen.  T gave me a considerable discount and I left the salon feeling less than hopeful about my new SHORT hairdo.   Mind you, I have nothing against short hair, but for me, I feel my best with shoulder length swingy hair. I feel like my great hair takes away from the fact that my azz needs its own zip code.  But now, I feel…exposed. I feel like my shield has been taken away and all that is left now is my big ol’ matronly body. I feel like a mini-van driving, mom-jeans wearing, den mother who is out of date without a clue as to the latest style.  I desperately want the cool, fun, likeable person I am on the inside to be as such on the outside as well.   This may sound shallow and stupid, considering all the serious and awful things going on in the world, but I can’t help it. I feel like my hair is the only thing I’ve going for me in the looks department and now it’s gone (insert pity party here). I know my hair will grow out with time (lots of time because my hair grows very slowly), but I’ve been trying so hard to just accept myself as I am and then I hit this huge speed bump.  All I could think was “if I was 120 pounds this would be a cute haircut, but not on someone my size, with my double chin”. I hate that I kept thinking that if I wasn’t so fat, it wouldn’t be such a big deal.  So if I am going to be honest with myself, it has nothing to do with my new haircut. It has everything to do with my weight and how I feel like it is the only thing that people will see when they look at me because my hair won’t be there to distract from it. And I am so much more than my weight. I just want other people to see that too.  Truth be told, the hair doesn’t look that bad. My husband and the guys that I work with have said that it looks really good on me, so I guess it isn’t a total disaster ( none of my girls have seen the new ‘do yet, so I don’t have any female input as of yet).  However, I will continue to mourn the loss of my bouncy swingy hair for at least the rest of the weekend, and maybe by Monday I will have a handle on it.  Oh, and if you don’t mind, please send lots of fast hair growing vibes my way. And some powerful body accepting vibes would be much appreciated as well!

Big Bouncy Swingy

 No I’m not talking about my derriere; I’m talking about my hair!!  I am sick of straight hair – I want some curls!  So I put away my flat iron and bought a new CURLING iron and went to work.  I have big beautiful curly hair today!!  I love curls, I think they are feminine and romantic and just plain ole pretty.

 I can’t help it; I am a product of the ‘80′s where big hair was at its finest.  Remember when Pretty Woman came out and everyone wanted Julia Roberts’ wild mane?  Well, I had it.  Yes, I was the envy of every girl on campus my first year of college in 1990.  I loooooved my hair!  But then somewhere along the way, someone thought that flat as a pancake (and just as boring) hair was better.  Pshaw I said!  However in the last few years as I have succumbed to mommy martyrdom, I saw great value in being able to just straighten my unruly locks and be ready to go in 5 minutes.

Well, no more! In my quest for better self care, I have decided that curls are something that makes me happy. It’s a small inconsequential thing, but every little bit helps, no?

So I am wearing great big curls of happiness on my head today and lovin every minute of it. 

Don’t Mess With Mama Bear

 Dear New Hire Employee,

            I realize it is your first day of work here, and you may be a little too anxious to present your knowledge of all things in the universe, however I find it terribly inappropriate for you to criticize the benefits given to you by this company and also extremely stupid of you to pick a fight with the admin assistant (me) IN FRONT OF THE BOSS.  Do you not realize that I can make your life a living hell here?  Don’t you know that if you want something done, I am the person to make it happen?  So even though I am extremely pissed off at you right now, ye of little social skills, I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt that in the future, you will be more careful about what you say and how you say it. 

Sincerely,

Take That Tone With Me Again And The Claws Will Come Out

I Feel Good, nanananananana, I knew that I would now…

Can’t think of anything awe-inspiring to write about today, so I’ll just post my little list of things that make me feel good… 

  • A nap
  • Exercise
  • Nice clothes
  • Pedicures
  • Visits with my friends
  • A good book
  • A good movie
  • Dates with my husband
  • Nice jewelry
  • Nice perfume
  • New shoes
  • Shopping at antique malls
  • Candles
  • Decorating my house
  • A good night’s sleep
  • A clean house
  • A creamy cup of coffee

Do you have a list? If not, I highly recommend making one.  Have a good weekend everyone!

Crystal Ball

 I asked myself a question last night.  “If I knew that I would never lose another pound, and I would be this same size for the rest of my life, what would I do? How would I live my life differently?”

  •  Well, for starters, I would go buy a killer wardrobe consisting of good quality clothes that fit my body well. And of course I would have to have some gorgeous shoes to go with that fabulous wardrobe!
  •  In addition to that fabulous wardrobe, I would buy some pretty lingerie and stop hiding myself in oversize Elvis t-shirts and big baggy pajama pants.
  •  I would slather myself in exotic scented lotions and pamper my feet with at home pedicures (and maybe the professional pedicure once in a while).
  •  I would be happy to see someone I know at the store, and not be so concerned about what they must think of me or how I look.
  •  I would go to my high school reunion and be excited to see my old school chums, and not be embarrassed that I don’t weigh 115 pounds like I did in high school, because I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who has put on weight in the last 20 years. :)
  •  I would tell other women – my friends, my family, and total strangers that they are beautiful no matter their weight, simply because they are women, because as far as I’m concerned, women are the most beautiful creatures on earth.

So, what would you do differently? 

GarlICKY

To My  Regional Manager,

If you are going to use my office after-hours, could you please refrain from eating, breathing, and sweating GARLIC??? I understand you love the stuff and so do I, however your overuse of the bulb has created an overpowering stench that I find  difficult to work in.  And fyi, Glade Apple Cinnamon air freshener does not cover up said garlic odor. 

Sincerely,

Passing Out From The Fumes

It Is What It Is

I’ve been trying to drown myself in good body-positive thoughts the last couple of days, and I find that I am happier for it.  I am slowly coming to terms with this body that I am living in right now.  Maybe it isn’t the disgusting, huge mountain of flesh I usually consider it to be.  Maybe it’s actually the beautiful vessel that carries around a hilarious, smart, sassy woman that has lots of friends and a great family.  There have been a few events and concepts that I have come across recently that have helped me move forward with my body acceptance: 

  • I was meeting with a couple of my girlfriends one day a few months ago and I was saying something unkind about how fat I have become, and Rachel said to me, “you are not overweight!”. And she meant it – really she is not one to tell you something just to pacify your need for a compliment, she really really does not see me as overweight! Now, I know that I am about 30 pounds overweight, but according to Rachel, I am just fine the way I am.  God love her!
  • A few days ago, I was on the treadmill, and I was working it – sweaty slicked back hair, sweaty shirt, sweat everywhere you can imagine.  My husband walked by me while I was really into it, and I swear, he looked at me like I was the sexiest thing on earth! I couldn’t believe it.  Could it be possible that he finds me attractive even without all the makeup and perfect hair and thinner body?    
  • This is related to the previous one, but if I was really as disgusting as I thought, would my husband still be after me 5 nights a week wanting to make some whoopee??? 
  • This has been really helpful too in accepting that what we see in movies and magazines is not reality, but also that normal, everyday women are as beautiful as they want to be. 

Whenever I look in the mirror and am tempted to bash my body for not being perfect, I have adopted this mantra: “It is what it is. This is my body today and there is nothing I do about the way it looks right now.”  So I had better just get over it and move on.  There are more important things to think about than the size of my thighs or the dimples in my behind.  So for today, I am choosing to ignore those nasty hateful thoughts that want to keep me down, and I am embracing those thoughts that tell me I am beautiful, just the way I am today. 

BRRRRRR

I am wearing long sleeves today and I couldn’t be happier about it!  When I left for work this morning it was a crisp 54 degrees, and it was dark.  I love love love that first cool day that lets us know that summer is over and fall is starting to fall into place.  What is it about a change in weather that can change our moods? My frame of mind has shifted this morning for no other reason than the change in weather.  I have visions of high school football games, hayrides, weenie roasts, and killer jackets and boots!!  Oooooo, I love autumn!  I love crunchy leaves, burgundy chrysanthemums, and the occasional Chai Latte.  Oh, I know there will be a couple of days when Summer tries to claw her way back in, but for today, she is gone.   I think I’ll take the kids to the park just to celebrate.